Head OnI’m all about the Second Amendment these days. Especially my right to keep and bear a pellet gun. High velocity. Single shot. With a scope.

It’s really more about being anti-squirrel than pro-gun. I was all right with the hordes of squirrels that besiege my neighborhood, dropping batches of babies and half-eaten nuts. In fact, I used to laugh with bemusement at folks who grumbled that they are rodents, nothing more than rats with bushy tails. In some ways they’re kind a cute, scampering across tree limbs and zigzagging across the roads.

Then a pregnant squirrel and her soon-to-be scurry took up residence in my attic. I used diplomacy. I used repellents. I used traps. I used poisons. The lady at the Tractor Supply in Brunswick listened to my long tale of woe and said, straight-faced, “I’d use a .22 with rat shot.” A noted local squirrel expert examined my attic and shrugged his shoulders. “They’ll make a mess if you don’t get them out.”

It took two years, but I got them out. I’m not revealing my method. Now I’m chasing them from the perimeter.

Hand me an NRA application.

Piney Woods Pete

Piney Woods Pete

Hard-charging salesman by day, Piney Woods Pete stays up late into the foggy night to render words.

  1. Cliff Green

    I know the feeling. We got them suckers in the attic last year and I looked in the Yellow Pages and called an outfit to get shet of them. The guy promptly fell through the ceiling, then charged us $1,700 for their services. The critters came back. I had a handyman close the latest hole, but he trapped one in the attic. We went on vacation. When we came back the house didn’t smell. Either the thing ate its way out, or my nose has gone bad.

  2. Keith Graham

    As Lee Leslie and I said Sunday (before we read this story) everyone in the South has a squirrel story, or two, or three.

  3. My husband, the most calm and cheerful man you could hope to meet at any other time of the year, goes nuts during mango season. A squirrel takes a bite from a fruit in the tree, thus ruining that mango for anyone else, then moves on to the next mango, thus ruining that fruit for anyone else. Tom never rants amok about anything else — not even during discussions about criminals and neo-Republicans (wait, are they…) — but truly, peaceful Tom wants a gun to fight, yes, these rodents. And no kid-style pellet gun. He wants something that “makes an impression” on the neighboring squirrels.

    As if.

  4. Piney Woods Pete

    Meg L. Gerrish – The something that “makes an impression” that your husband has in mind is fine if you live in the boonies. But most municipalities (Kennesaw, GA possibly being excepted) frown on discharging firearms that go “boom.”
    And, in the interest of public safety, I feel compelled to state that even pellet guns – yes, even bb guns and slingshots – should be fired carefully.

  5. Piney Woods Pete: … [sigh] … I know. But one of these days, who knows what could happen. It might be Tom that goes ‘boom’ and makes an impression. Poor Tom.

  6. M PATTILLO: I just discovered your response for the first time late in May or I would have answered sooner. I’m positive there are Tom Livergoods and Tom Gerrishs. Don’t you think? “Tom.” Goes well with every surname. I, myself, have a Pattillo in the genealogy. Cuz? (FYI — Tom hasn’t gone boom. Blooming mango season. Plenty for everyone, squirrels and people alike.) — Regards

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