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satire on the trail
Convicted psychotic mass murderer Charles Manson announced Monday he is throwing his support behind Texas Senator Ted Cruz, which came as a shock to GOP analysts who had long expected Manson to back Trump.
“I believe he’ll bring order to this race and this country that, frankly, has been a little helter-skelter during the Obama administration,” said Manson from Corcoran State Prison in California, where he is serving a life sentence for the infamous Tate-Labianca murders in the summer of 1969.
on the campaign trail
Iowa City, Iowa — Fresh off a bruising debate with Donald Trump, Texas Senator Ted Cruz said he is left with no choice but to carpet bomb Iowa.
“That state is as threatening as ISIS because it could destroy America by not allowing me to be elected president,” said Cruz during a campaign stop with his two young daughters who were working the crowd asking for donations and posing for pictures with complete strangers who gave them candy.
gun totin' stoopid
Standoff continues. Patridiots not budging, holding firm on demands of more clean underwear and Febreze. Feds yet to show up or give a damn.
No shots were fired again today to the deep disappointment of the Yee-hadists within the Patridiot’s compound. “We are at serious risk of not being taken seriously” one Patridiot exclaimed. “Christ, they may think we’re some sort of hippie, peace-nik group if there ain’t a little blood shed soon” another one complained.
“Now I know how Davy Crockett must have felt before any of the Mexicans showed up at the Alamo.” claimed Burfurd T. Mudflap.
gun totin' stoopid
KRAZYVILLE, Ore. Community leaders were sent in today to help the Yee-hawdists who have taken over bird watchin’ from the commie, big-gubment liberals at a Federal reserve in Oregon.
The local sheriff David Ward stated “we had to send someone in with a scissors to help because the I.Q.s are so low they would have died trying unsuccessfully to open the snacks we sent in.” A reporter for the Oregon Sentinel interviewed one of the Tali-banjo who said they couldn’t seem to figure out how to open the Zip-Lock bags containing the S’mores…
in the name of religion
Balm for the afflicted. Opiate of the masses. Fairy tales. Myth. The deepest truths.
Religion is a lot of things.
In today’s various wars – the War on Terrorism, the Culture Wars, the Jihad Against the Great Satan and the Little Satan, and the ever-popular War on Christmas (!), religion is a key element, if not the key element. Religion inspires us to do and be our best – but through so much of history, religion also has inspired us to kill and hate one another.
sympathize for the suffering
If a person has a hostile relationship with a neighbor, we don’t know if the problem is with one of them, or the other, or some of both. But if someone has a hostile relationship with all his or her neighbors, would you not agree there must be something amiss with that person?
And so it is with that part of the American electorate that is rallying to the support of Donald Trump as he — the current frontrunner for the Republican nomination for president — expresses hostility to one major group among us after another.
gift that keeps on taking
Merry Christmas and a happy GOP!
Has there ever a better time than now to celebrate America’s God and the birth of America’s savior, Jesus Christ, our Lord? Has there ever been a better time than now to support the Republican Party, the one that believes in America’s God? Has there ever a better time than now to cash in on the biggest savings on The Savior you have ever seen!!
OMG! Where else are you going to find a Signed, Rand Paul, Curly Head, Deep Pile, Bathroom Throw Rug — for only $29.95? Or a Where’s Bobby Jindal? Coloring Book — for only $18.95?
school cheating scandal
Every now and then a big-time civil settlement makes sense and is good for our country. Recently the government brought suit against Education Management Corporation, based in Pittsburgh, Pa., which operated several for-profit colleges. The government maintained that the company was violating rules on paying incentives to employees for signing up unqualified students for Pell grant assistance to attend their schools. One story said all the low-income students needed was “a pulse and a Pell (grant)” for the colleges to enroll them…
Today I’m announcing my candidacy for president of the United States. It’s fitting that I begin my candidacy in the historic setting of my upstairs studio. I am honored to be surrounded by so many supporters and well-wishers, and by that I mean my two cats. (My wife has yet to sign on to my campaign but give her time).
I’m working on a campaign slogan—it’s a toss-up between…
pas d'armes autorisées
OK then, Canada it is. I’ve been looking for a country to move to in case Donald Trump gets elected president. That country’s decision to not only take in some of the flood of migrants from Mid-Eastern countries but to welcome them warmly helped me make up my mind.
Or I might go ahead and move there anyway. When a Christian school urges its students to arm themselves and gun sales nationwide are higher than ever, when mass shootings are everyday…
what do your see?
It’s understandable that the media give wall-to-wall coverage to Donald Trump: he gives them great ratings. But at this point, it is not Trump himself we should be focusing on.
By now, we’ve gotten a good look at what Trump is up to, and the spirit he is serving. When even Republicans are using the word “fascist” to describe Trump’s message, the picture has surely become clear enough.
end gun violence
It was a beautiful Saturday morning to be in Woodruff Park. About 70 degrees. Broken clouds to keep the sun from feeling too hot. It was so easy to be there.
Any excuse to get outside in mid-December was welcomed. Our excuse was the third anniversary of the Sandy Hook shootings. The idea was pretty simple: we would meet in the park to remember the 20 children and six adults killed December 14, 2012 at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newton, Connecticut.
The American Medical Association has announced Fearbola is now recognized as a legitimate disease and warrants further investigation by the medical profession as to treatment and prevention.
“The abnormal and uncontrollable fear of terrorists can have profound detrimental impact on the individual as well as our economy if it goes untreated,” said Dr. Oscar Kemper of the AMA. “Having people afraid to leave their homes and live in fear of what might happen is a recipe for a neutered society.”
Congressional Republicans moved swiftly Tuesday to change the subject from banishing all Muslims from entering this country to passing new legislation that will make it beside the point because every single American will have a gun.
If passed, the Affordable Guns & Ammo Act (AG&AA) will cut prices on assault rifles for middle class families by as much as 40 percent and require employers to buy workers up to 1000 rounds a month, or face stiff fines, said GOP officials.
sensible gun laws now
Congress and the Senate today vowed to do everything in their power to do absolutely nothing about the mass shootings today. Which shooting you ask? I don’t know, pick one, there are far too many to keep track of.
The Speaker of the house, Paul Ryan, in an interview today said “We don’t want to rush to judgment and take away the rights from any red-blooded, all-American, shit-for-brains that simply wants a big-ass gun. His right to stupid supersedes your right to life, liberty and the pursuit of breathing…
police killing of caroline small
It was well covered in the news, the local reporter says. And, indeed, the Atlanta Journal Constitution has been on the story for a long time. After all, the shooting of Caroline Small, by two Glynn County, Georgia, cops, occurred over five years ago, well before cops shooting citizens became a topic of national disgust.
About a month ago, some strangers with a camera showed up at the Glynn County Commission meeting, but nobody knew why they were there. The only thing that happened that night, which the visitors might have noted, but probably didn’t, was that the Commission passed an imprudent resolution…
spreading despair not helping.
It’s a sad sentiment voiced loudly and with much distress in these times: what a dangerous world we live in! It’s as true as it always has been.
I don’t remember the exact moment I was sentenced to die. Then again, it was over 56 years ago and I was but a millisecond old at the time. Yet, the instant I welcomed that first gasping breath into my infant lungs, I also accepted my fate. Someday, I would die.
It wasn’t that day – nor has it happened with any of the roughly 20,513 sunrises since. But it will. I surely didn’t know then, but it’s been a fact of my life for a long, long time now that someday it will end.
living in a secular society
“You are not being persecuted for your beliefs when you are merely being denied the privilege of shoving them down someone else’s throat.” – The Bard of Affliction
Several months ago, there was a lot of Sturm und Drang over one Kim Davis, a Kentucky county clerk who had garnered a certain amount of notoriety for having refused to issue wedding licenses to same-sex couples despite having been ordered by the courts to do so. Putting her name on said licenses would (she had said) imply her approval of same-sex marriages, something she felt she could not do based on her religious beliefs.
A friend recently told me that her great grandmother to the ninth generation was aboard the Mayflower. The young lady in question arrived in what was to become this country when she was only four. Living to be eighty-three and becoming a matriarch directly linked to at least fifty grandchildren, she was obviously a most incredible woman. But what also struck me about her story was that her future father-in-law was the leader of a Purists/Separatists/Dissenters group in Holland. In one of his sermons, he said: “But now we are all, in all places, strangers and pilgrims, travelers and sojourners.”
meet me in dabiq
Were I to tell you a story in which Jesus, the son of the virgin Mary, was sent by God to guide the children of Israel, perform miracles including curing blindness, raising the dead and casting out demons, was crucified and raised alive into heaven to be the God incarnate. Jesus, who is promised to come back as the Messiah on judgement day to lead God’s army against the armies of Rome led by the Antichrist to the final victory in Jerusalem. What holy book do you think that would be from?
power and terror:
In an interview with ABC news correspondent Martha Raddatz pointed out to Dick Cheney that a majority of citizens opposed the war in Iraq. Cheney replied, “So?”
Martha asked, “You don’t care what the American people think?”
He said, “NO.” Cheney then goes on to say that we can’t be subject to fluctuations in opinion polls.
A White House spokesman was asked later if this meant the government didn’t think the public should have input. The spokesman remarked that the public has input every four years.
Researchers said Tuesday that watching Fox News caused brain damage in rats. They said they’re not sure what that means, but the results are conclusive.
After watching “The O’Reilly Factor” and “Hannity” for six months the rats were never the same.
“They got more hostile and I would venture to say more irrational,” said University of Wisconsin researcher, Ralph Phillips, who led the study that was published in the November issue of the science journal Mind Bender.
threatens as much as war
The word “conservative” means something different today than it used to.
Conservatives have traditionally understood the importance of stability—and the dangers of disrupting the established order. They considered it a responsibility to preserve their heritage and pass it down intact to the next generation.
Conservatives have been the guardians of tradition because they saw that what our forebears created is a great achievement, built with difficulty over time.
bald faced untruth
Do Marco Rubio’s inhumanly large and pointy ears wiggle when he lies? That’s what it seemed like during last Sunday’s interview with John Dickerson on “Face the Nation.” Maybe it was just a trick of the television lens but there is reason to think that something almost fey about Rubio’s successful dissembling. Asked about possible political repercussions of failing to do what most Americans believe U.S. Senators are paid to do – to actually vote on legislation in the U.S. Senate – said, “I’m not a political strategist; I’m a candidate.” And he got away with that…
pause to pity
Pause a moment to pity temporary front runner Ben Carson for his poor performance at the Third Republican-CNBC Debate in Boulder. Perhaps ‘non-performance’ is the right word. He was hardly a presence among the weirdly energized collection of candidates. So how did candidate Carson go from being the ‘great Evangelical hope’ to ‘doctor who?’ You only notice that Carson is boring when he is faced with any competition for attention on the stage. Between his soft, slightly slurred voice and the rambling illogic of his story-telling…
on top of stone mtn
Georgia plans to build a “We Exhibit – You Decide” racial strife museum atop Stone Mountain to address the state’s long and troubled history of discrimination against dozens of minorities and blacks by making it a tourist attraction.
The museum will offer exhibits on both sides of the controversy over civil rights: people for them, and people against them. And, instead of passing judgement, the museum will allow people to decide for themselves, said Georgia Governor Nathan Deal in an afternoon press conference.
poor school districts
You might not get much in your morning newspaper if reporters didn’t turn in stories by a certain time. Deadlines keep reporters — and columnists — on task. If there were not a specific time limit to submit a story for publication, the story might never get written. There’s always somebody else you can call or interview.
Like newspapers, courts set deadlines frequently. Time limits provide some certainty in the often long, convoluted judicial process and move cases along toward conclusions…