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Sunday, October 22, 2017
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    Just Plain Will

    Just Plain Will

    J. P. Will is a noted counselor, spiritual adviser and advice giver to the stars as well as the star-crossed. A former goat-herder and Arctic explorer, Will is the proud holder of a GED as well as a Certificate of Attendance of the Naples, Florida School of Online Tooth Extraction and Snow Removal. He also studied psychotherapy in Vienna, which he proudly points out is located about 75 miles due north of Hahira, Georgia.

    All of these accomplishments make him as qualified to give advice as... er, well... anybody else.

    In the spirit of full disclosure, there are many who think that Justplainwill is an alter ego of frequent Dew contributor, Will Cantrell ( furthering the notion that Cantrell needs a new, different, and better personality.) On the other hand, Cantrell, in a recent meeting with our editors, vehemently denied and disavowed any knowledge of Justplainwill's existence. (“Just plain who? Never heard of the jerk... that is unless he says that he owes me money”, said Cantrell.) Despite Cantrell's protestations and what we are sure was feigned indignation, we at Offices of The Dew have our suspicions --- especially since no one has ever seen both Justplainwill and Cantrell at the same place at the same time.
    Number of posts: 21
    Email address: email

    By Just Plain Will:


      uncommon sense

      Justplainwill’s Guide to the Future (or at least 2014)

      by | 1, Add your Comment | Dec 31, 2013
      Justplainwill's Guide to the Future (or at least 2014)

      Dear Justplainwill:
      I have been looking at those year-end 2013 TV news shows that review everything that happened over the past twelve months. Sure does look like a lot of stuff went down in 2013. A lot of stuff happened that I didn’t even know about when it was going on… sometimes right under my nose. Therein lies my problem Justplainwill. For some reason, this past year I only learned about some of the really important events after they happened…

      Obama Wan Kenobi

      Devil May Care?

      by | 1, Add your Comment | Mar 21, 2013
      Devil May Care?

      Dear Justplainwill:
      I’m outraged. Here I am, working my ass off, trying my best to get along with people on the other side of the aisle, trying to get a Grand Bargain and they pull this latest crap. It’s not at all funny. When I first saw the picture we were at the water cooler just outside the Oval Office. I’d just separated Susan Rice and John Kerry. It was their third fistfight this week. (Rice is short but she has a temper and she was really kicking Kerry’s ass.) Anyway, it’s then that I see the picture falling out of Rice’s hands. Get this: the guy playing the Devil on the hit show, The Bible is my Doppelganger –my exact look-a-like.

      Uncommon Sense

      Advice from a Fiscal Cliff Dweller

      by | 4, Add your Comment | Dec 7, 2012
      Advice from a Fiscal Cliff Dweller

      Justplainwill, noted Arctic explorer, online tooth extractor and Spiritual Adviser will now answer your latest questions:

      Dear Justplainwill: Lately, every time I turn on the TV, the guy looking back at me is yapping about the fiscal cliff. He’s telling me about how those people in Washington, D.C. have the whole damn country headed straight for it. Hell, it seems just as we were on the verge of getting the ship righted and almost out of the recession, the pols seem hell bent on running this sumbitch off the road AGAIN! Should I be worried, Justplainwill? What lies over the cliff? What happens to me if we fall off?

      Practice for the Important Sport

      Southerner’s Guide to Lovin’ the London Olympics

      by | 7, Add your Comment | Jul 30, 2012
      Olympic mascots - Wenlock & Mandeville

      God bless your heart, you are really going to try this year. You’re really going to try. Not to watch at least a little of the telecasts would be downright unpatriotic you tell yourself.

      Truth is, you’ve never been terribly enthusiastic about the Olympics anyway. The only reason you really watch is to root for the Americans even though sometimes you have no Earthly idea what sport it is you’re looking at. What is “dressage” exactly, you’d like to know. It sounds like something involving a needle and thread or black patent leather pumps…

      Uncommon Sense

      Day In Court

      by | 3, Add your Comment | Jul 3, 2012
      John Roberts and the United States Supreme Court 2012. Left to right. Stephen Breyer, Sonia Sotomayor, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Clarence Thomas, Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Elena Kagan, Antonin Scalia, Anthony Kennedy, and Samuel Alito by DonkeyHotey from his Flickr Photostream and used under Creative Commons license.

      Have issues? Got problems? Have questions about life, love, homework or even “Kanye West and Kim Kardashian??? You’re kiddin’ me, right? I mean does Kim even know any white guys?” Write JustPlainWill@LikeTheDew.com .

      Dear Justplainwill:
      Until about a week ago, everything in my world was fine. In fact, you might even say it was exceptional. I had a nice job in the jurisprudence game, a late model car, good looking wife, smart kids and great standing in the community…

      Uncommon Sense

      Now, Shut up, open wide and say “Ah!”

      by | 2, Add your Comment | Jun 14, 2012
      Now, Shut up, open wide and say "Ah!"

      Have issues? Got problems? Have questions about life, love, homework or even “Is a Republican saying ‘yes’ to Obama a sure sign of the Apocalypse? Write Justplainwill@likethedew.com for advice.

      Dear Justplainwill:

      My husband is so hardheaded. I cannot get him to see a doctor, even when he might be ailing. Unless, at that very moment, he is sporting an open wound and gushing blood like a BP Oil spill, he just won’t go.

      Uncommon Sense

      Dear Justplainwill: Man(ning) Up!

      by | 2, Add your Comment | Mar 9, 2012
      Dear Justplainwill: Man(ning) Up!

      Dear Justplainwill:

      I’m frustrated!

      I have spent the last fourteen years serving humankind – as well as humankind’s Indianapolis branch – by being, many people say, the greatest quarterback the world has ever seen. Sadly, after giving the Colts the best years of my life, I have suddenly been cast adrift.

      The only thing I was told when given the pink slip by management is that over the past year or so, I have become ‘a royal pain in the neck’ (their term, not mine) and that my services were no longer needed. Go figure.

      Uncommon Sense

      Dear Justplainwill: Bettering Billy Beane and the Speed of Light!

      by | 1, Add your Comment | Sep 26, 2011
      Dear Justplainwill: Bettering Billy Beane and the Speed of Light!

      Justplainwill will now take your questions.

      Dear Justplainwill:

      Every time I turn on the TV I see Brad Pitt promoting his new movie, Moneyball.  The guy must think that he’s God or maybe even that Sarah Palin because lately he is everywhere: the Late Night with David Letterman… Jay Leno… the Today Show…the Tonight Show…the Day After Tomorrow Show and that ridiculous “Who-dat and Kathy Lee”. You name the TV time slot and that Brad’s been on it promoting that damn movie.

      Southern Advice

      Dear Justplainwill: Death,Taxes and Pledge Week!

      by | 7, Add your Comment | Jul 26, 2011
      Dear Justplainwill: Death,Taxes and Pledge Week!

      Justplainwill will now take your questions.

      Dear Justplainwill:

      This morning, while breakfasting at the Waffle Hut, I couldn’t help but overhear the couple in the next booth. They were having a tête-à-tête about whether or not Michael Jackson was still alive. The conversation soon turned ugly. Loud bickering and fisticuffs ensued.

      Though fighting is not an unusual occurrence at a Waffle Hut, my waitress, Wanda bravely stepped between the warring couple. Exasperated with them both, she threw up her hands and said “Stop it! This is a respectable place… and if you just have to know, Michael Jackson is alive. He and that chimp, Bubbles come in here all the time.

      Dear Justplainwill

      CPAs, Camo and Liquor on Sundays

      by | 4, Add your Comment | May 1, 2011
      Woman Sneezing - Licensed from Dreamstime.com by LikeTheDew.com

      Justplainwill will now take your questions. Have questions about life? Love? Relationships?  Homework? Or even “Is Donald Trump nuts?” Write Justplainwill.

      Dear Justplainwill:

      My allergies are worst than ever. They are just killing me. Do you think that it’s because the pollen count is higher than normal this year? And who counts all those pollens anyway, Justplainwill?

      Allergia
      Atlanta, GA

      Dear Allergia:

      Forget the Pollen Count!

      The plain truth is that there is just no such thing as a pollen counter or as the government would call him or her, a ‘CPA’ – Certified Pollen Accountant. In reality, the pollen counter is about as real as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny.

      Uncommon Sense

      Breaking News: Murder, Potholes and Glee!

      by | 4, Add your Comment | Mar 25, 2011
      Breaking News: Murder, Potholes and Glee!

      Justplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or “Would somebody pullease have a talk with John Boehner about all the crying?” Write Justplainwill.

      Dear Justplainwill:

      I’m the morning news goddess on a TV station in a large southern city. Lately our ratings have been dismal. We’ve tried everything to attract viewers: bands, clowns, fireworks… you name it. Last week, we even staged an on-air fistfight between the weather guy and the traffic guy. (“Mr. Traffic” won in a knock out.) We’ve even tried entrapment: a few months ago, the management had me pose as a streetwalker…

      Uncommon Sense

      Dear Justplainwill: Brother, can you spare a Trillion?

      by | 3, Add your Comment | Mar 16, 2011
      Dear Justplainwill: Brother, can you spare a Trillion?

      Dear Justplainwill:

      Everybody is on my butt about the budget. The Sunday morning pundits, Republicans and even Democrats are carping. Naturally, those idiots at Fox News are giving me hell. They all say that $14 trillion is too much debt.

      They also say that all I need to do to make the situation right is to do the same things that any American family, sitting around the kitchen table would do to balance their budget. Easy for them to say, they don’t have to maintain a fleet of Stealth Bombers, an Army or have to cut the grass at Yellowstone National Park.  They also don’t have that Nosey Bill Clinton or that Crazy-ass Joe Biden inviting themselves over all the time and trying to tell them what to do … even when no one asked either of them a darn thing …

      Barry O.
      Washington, D.C.

      Uncommon Sense

      Dear Justplainwill: Wha Happened!?

      by | 4, Add your Comment | Mar 7, 2011
      Dear Justplainwill: Wha Happened!?

      Justplainwill will now answer your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? the Office? Or even “Don’t you think the police should have carted Charlie Sheen off instead of the kids?” Write Justplainwill.

      Dear Justplainwill:

      I have for the past several months been seeing a man and have gotten to know him, his friends and his family fairly well.  They embraced me and I am tickled with them. …

      Recently he told me he does not want me in all areas of his life and basically told me how great I was but he just doesn’t have the time or want to have the time for me anymore.

      So, what happened?

      Confused

      Uncommon Advice

      Dear Justplainwill: Boys n Berries n Pie

      by | 3, Add your Comment | Feb 9, 2011
      Dear Justplainwill: Boys n Berries n Pie

      Justplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or even “Damn… you mean there’s even more of ’em!? Just how many more Kardashians have the scientists found now?” Write Justplainwill.

      Dear Justplainwill:
      I’m looking for an after school activity for my 12-year old son. The hours between 3:00 and 5:00 are when kids typically get into trouble. I’ve got to find him something to do after school until I get home from work. February is the 101st Anniversary of the Boy Scouts, Justplainwill. Can you tell me about Scouting and if you think that it is the activity he needs?
      Betty
      Woodstock, GA

      Very Common Sense

      Martha, Mashuganas and Motherf@#$&%s

      by | 1, Add your Comment | Feb 6, 2011
      Martha, Mashuganas and Motherf@#$&%s

      Justplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or even, “Who does Herman Cain really think he’s foolin’ anyway?” Write Justplainwill.

      Deer Jesplanewool:
      Sum dam phool at my kid’s skool has came up wit the torrible idear for the teecher to grade the payrints. They sez thet theys want us payrens to be more invelvid in they’s  kids larning. I mean I got me thangs to do. Dis is the stoopidesst ideer I’ze ever herd of. Besides, me an my kid does utter stuff, likes smoke, drank and git drunk together. What duz you thank, Jesplanewool?

      Southern Funnies

      Dear Justplainwill: Not your father’s Buick… or baby

      by | 5, Add your Comment | Jan 31, 2011
      Dear Justplainwill: Not your father's Buick... or baby

      Justplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or even ‘really now, does anyone with a lick of sense take Nene Leakes seriously’? Write Justplainwill.

      Dear JustPlainWill:

      It is said that when one door closes, the universe open’s another one. Is this true?

      Moonbeam
      Woodstock, NY

      Dear Moonbeam:

      Yes! There really is balance in the universe — an ebb and flow as it were… a yin and a yang.

      Advice for Life

      Dear Justplainwill: Boards, Bombs and N-words

      by | 6, Add your Comment | Jan 23, 2011
      What'd you say about my Mama?

      Got questions about life… love… happiness.. homework … or even “just who the hell does Nancy Grace really think she is!?” Write Justplainwill.

      Dear JustPlainWill:

      I am a top official on the school board of a large southeastern city. Lately, things have not been going well at all. Jealousy, in-fighting and talking about each other’s mama has been commonplace… and that’s just at the school board office! On top of all this, our high school kids are under-performing on the standardized tests. On this last ‘go-round’ of tests, we ranked next to last. (One wonders where we would have ranked if it wasn’t for Mississippi) As a result of all this, the authorities have placed our entire school system on probation. Probation, Justplainwill. PROBATION!

      Advice for Life

      Dear Justplainwill: Mea Culpas from La La Land

      by | 1, Add your Comment | Jan 18, 2011
      Dear Justplainwill: Mea Culpas from La La Land

      Justplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or even where to catch the No. 37 MARTA bus? Write Justplainwill.

      Dear Justplainwill:

      I am a pro quarterback, who has had an awful season. I’ve had 17 passes intercepted during games. I have also thrown some wild “off the field” passes too. These were also intercepted by the wrong people. Yep, I’ve been bad. I have also been caught…

      Dear Justplainwill: Global Warming, Bad Toyotas and McTablets?

      by | 3, Add your Comment | Jan 8, 2011
      Dear Justplainwill: Global Warming, Bad Toyotas and McTablets?

      Justplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or even where to catch the No. 37 MARTA bus? Write Justplainwill.

      Dear Justplainwill:
      I am a proponent of global warming – a “true believer” – you might say. Lately though, it seems that both global warming – and me – have lost some of our “mojo.” A lot of people are expressing doubts… saying that the whole thing might even be a hoax. They want absolute proof. Last summer, the whole thing even caused a serious rift between me and my wife, Tipsy. Can you advise me on what to do, Justplainwill?
      Albert G.
      Nashville, Tenn.

      Dear Justplainwill: More Advice to the Star-crossed

      by | 3, Add your Comment | Jan 2, 2011
      Dear Justplainwill: More Advice to the Star-crossed

      Got problems? Have issues? Questions about life, love and happiness? Quit banging your head against the wall. Write Justplainwill.

      Dear Justplainwill:
      Billboards all over the country are advertising that Jesus is Coming on May 21, 2011. Should I repent? Do I still have to keep paying my bills?
      Eddie L.
      Lithonia, Ga.

      Dear Eddie:

      I’ve seen the billboards but I don’t think that there’s… er, well… a snowball’s chance in hell…

      Dear JustPlainWill: Advice to the Star-crossed

      by | 5, Add your Comment | Dec 24, 2010
      Dear JustPlainWill: Advice to the Star-crossed

      In a quandry? Have problems? Have questions… about anything… anything at all? Stop banging your head against the wall? Write Justplainwill.

      Dear Justplainwill:

      My wife is pregnant with our first child. We are so excited. Do you have any suggestions for baby names?

      Maury, Los Angeles, CA.

      Dear Maury:

      Congratulations on the big event. However, I suggest that you wait quite awhile before you officially name the new offspring…

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