Jeffry Scott – LikeTheDew.com http://likethedew.com A journal of progressive Southern culture and politics Sun, 16 Sep 2018 15:31:50 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.8 http://likethedew.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/cropped-DewLogoSquare825-32x32.png Jeffry Scott – LikeTheDew.com http://likethedew.com 32 32 Trump Eases Testicle-Removal Regulations to Put Castratos Back To Work http://likethedew.com/2017/03/30/trump-eases-testicle-removal-regulations-to-put-castratos-back-to-work/ http://likethedew.com/2017/03/30/trump-eases-testicle-removal-regulations-to-put-castratos-back-to-work/#comments Thu, 30 Mar 2017 10:29:23 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=66766

Donald Trump Caricature by DonkeyHotey - VPresident Donald Trump kept his campaign vow to put more Americans back to work by signing an executive order Wednesday that will ease government regulations against the surgical removal of testicles and revive the long-languishing castrato industry in this country.

“C’mon, fellas, you know what this is, you know what this says,” Trump said during a signing ceremony at the White House where he was flanked on stage by unemployed males with low-pitched vocal ranges. “You’re going back to work!”

The president joked: “Don’t give me a high-five. Come back in a few weeks and give me a high C!”

According to labor statistics, thousands of potential castratos are out of work in the Rust Belt states Trump carried to win the presidential election.  While the castrato job has its difficult aspects, not unlike coal mining, it is putting America back to work, said Republicans.

“Just because you can trill, it’s not always a thrill,” quipped Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell.

A castrato is a male whose testicles have been removed so he can sing in a high pitch like Justin Timberlake.

“Justin Timberlake is huge,” Trump told reporters afterwards.

A spokesman for Timberlake said he isn’t a castrato, he just sounds like one.

GOP analysts boasted that Trump once again has shown his unerring instinct for striking a chord with the working class GOP base, not unlike his announcement Tuesday that he is rolling back environmental regulations to put miners back to work even though it will destroy the air and water for everybody on earth.

“This is even better than the coal mine executive order,” said White House Spokesman Sean Spicer. “They both require a few sacrifices, but this time the sacrifices are small – and some are smaller than others.”

In fact, recordings of Trump rallies – when supporters can be heard shrilly screaming “lock her up” – are proof many of Trump voters could already pass for those with surgically removed testicles, said Ted Bingham, a GOP consultant.

“There’s a huge, pent-up, castrato base in the GOP,” said Bingham. “For Trump to tap in, all it will take is a little fine-tuning.”

Democrats refused to comment on the executive order, except to say the chorus of GOP support for the measure isn’t a choir they’d like to join.

At press time it was not clear whether the procedure will be covered under the Affordable Care Act – otherwise known as Obamacare – but Democratic House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi said “if there is a prohibition against coverage for the procedure, we’ll be happy to waive it.”

Nor is it clear exactly what kind of jobs await castratos, who once made their living singing opera. But Arther Clingman, an out-of-work VHS repairman and Trump Supporter in Lansing, Michigan, said he’d probably give it a shot.

“What have I got to lose?” he said.

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Atlantans Prepare For Daring Conquest of Cobb County Braves’ Game http://likethedew.com/2017/03/02/atlantans-prepare-for-daring-conquest-of-cobb-county-braves-game/ http://likethedew.com/2017/03/02/atlantans-prepare-for-daring-conquest-of-cobb-county-braves-game/#comments Thu, 02 Mar 2017 11:54:34 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=66461

Atlanta Braves Suntrust Park

Atlantans are preparing for what many believe is an impossibility: ascending I-75 during rush hour in time to make it to a Braves’ game in Cobb County.

For weeks fans have been stockpiling food and fuel and consulting guides – one Buckhead man has hired six Sherpas – for the treacherous trek to the top of the city’s peak traffic nightmare where breathing can require oxygen and one slip can be fatal.

“My wife doesn’t want me to go,” said Billy Waldrop. “You know, we’ve got three kids, and if I don’t make it…”

Waldrop’s voice trailed off as he stared into the distance reflectively and took another sip of beer at Atlanta’s famous Manuel’s Tavern.

“The old stadium had its challenges,” he said, composing himself. “But this is different. This is life threatening, and, yet, life affirming. Ya know? This forces you to question existence itself and the limitations of man.

“People ask me: ‘Billy, why are you going?’ And I say ‘Because it’s there.’”

Nobody knows exactly what they’ll find there when the Braves’ home season opens April 14 with a game against the San Diego Padres.

The Braves were terrible last year and this year may be worse. Fans risking it all to see them play has prompted some mental health experts to go public with concerns.

“That third baseman they’ve got,” said Fred Sanderson, who teaches Sports Psychology and Mob Control at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. “I wouldn’t cross the street to watch him scratch his ass. These people clearly need psychiatric help.”

Braves’ owners moved the team to Cobb – which soaked taxpayers for $400 million to build a new stadium, SunTrust Field – after Fulton County bungled negotiations to keep the team downtown where it has played for half a century.

Many fans are establishing base camps along the high ridge of I-75 and plan to stay at hotels, or with relatives, or sleep in cars or under shrubs for a trek some estimate will take four days.

The most popular path of ascent from downtown is I-75 and its mass of automobiles that are aimed north during rush hour but not moving that way. But others are considering the South Col Route, which passes through Douglasville, Rockmart, and parts of Chattanooga.

“You can get lost out there on that South Col Route, I wouldn’t lie to you,” said Jeb Fletcher, who is running a guide service for the excursion, charging about 3,000 clients $475 apiece. “You’re going to need somebody, or you’re going to end up in Alabama, and, buddy, I gotta be honest, I wouldn’t wish that on my last wife.”

Even for those who make the summit, experts said there’s still the challenge of surviving long enough to savor it.

“With stadium beer and hotdog prices what they are, there’s a better than even chance of starving to death,” said Rocky Windgrass, who plans to stuff cans of beer and sandwiches down his pants. “I’ll walk a little strange, and, I’ll grant you, it won’t help with the ascent. But I’ll take my chances.”

No matter how well prepared they are, weather could change everything, the trekkers concede.

“We get a single drop of rain, during rush hour?” said Waldrop. “We’re all dead.”

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Trump Says He’s Done More in 7 Days Than God Did http://likethedew.com/2017/01/27/trump-says-hes-done-more-in-7-days-than-god-did/ http://likethedew.com/2017/01/27/trump-says-hes-done-more-in-7-days-than-god-did/#comments Fri, 27 Jan 2017 11:34:14 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=66193

The Creation of Adam by Donald

President Donald Trump tweeted Friday that he’s done more in his first seven days than God did.

“He did a lot,” Trump tweeted. “I’d be the first to admit that. I’m a devout man. But this week, Lordy, kind of hard to trump Trump!”

According to the Biblical account, God created the entire universe in seven days. Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway conceded Friday “that was a remarkable achievement, in its own right.

“But, God didn’t have the liberal press questioning his every motive either, asking ‘what’s this about ‘let there be firmament in the midst of the waters?’ Isn’t that a violation of EPA regulations?’ That kind of baloney.”

“I’ll just be perfectly clear with you guys. God is easy. Trump is hard.”

In seven days Trump has issued executive orders to roll back environmental regulations and push ahead with the construction of oil pipelines and the strip mining of coal. He renounced the Trans-Pacific trade agreement. He launched an investigation into voter fraud. He begun the repeal of the Affordable Care Act. He stopped foreign aid funds for organizations that support abortion rights. He begun a crack-down on immigration and the construction of a border wall with Mexico.

Democrat strategist Ralph Stevens mocked Trump’s boast during an interview on CNN.

“He hasn’t created anything,” he told Wolf Blitzer. “All he’s done is dismantle and destroy the best intentions and highest and noblest ideals that America stands for. But, I’ll say this. He’s done that fast — like crap through a goose.”

Trump later tweeted: “You QUACK me up. Loser!”

In a caustic and volatile afternoon White House press conference, White House spokesman Sean Spicer berated reporters who questioned Trump’s claim to have outperformed God in his first seven days.

“The Almighty should thank his lucky stars that the President even mentioned Him in a Tweet,” said Spicer. “And there was actually a Pew study a few years ago that found there is no such thing as God! Just a bunch of fake photographs of a manger and some guy with a beard and a big walking stick.

“Can you guys just stick to facts?”

Spicer declined to answer follow-up questions from reporters asking him to clarify exactly what he meant by the manger and the man with a beard and walking stick comment.

Several Bible scholars told the Associated Press it was probably a reference to the Biblical account of the birth of Jesus Christ, whom Christians believe is the Son of God, and to Moses, an older bearded man who led the Jews out of bondage in Egypt, a long walk that is believed to have required a cane.

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As Trump Lies Glut Market, Fake News Sites Lay Off Thousands http://likethedew.com/2017/01/25/as-trump-lies-glut-market-fake-news-sites-lay-off-thousands/ http://likethedew.com/2017/01/25/as-trump-lies-glut-market-fake-news-sites-lay-off-thousands/#comments Wed, 25 Jan 2017 11:30:20 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=66165

President Donald Trump - Caricature by DonkeyHotey

Fake News sites are laying off thousands of workers in the wake of Donald Trump’s first days in office when he rattled off so many lies publishers of the sites said there’s no more complete horsecrap left to make up.

“He’s ruining our business model,” said Ted Klepper, an out-of-work auto worker who publishes TruthGodFacks.com from a shed in the back of his home in Blanchard, Michigan.

“He twists the truth so bad and so fast he just makes your head spin. There’s nothing left to mangle! I mean, the only way I can keep making a living at this is to … go to law school. But, you know, I’m a Trump supporter. So, before that, first I’d have to finish the 8th grade.”

Klepper was distraught that Trump lied about the size of inauguration crowds before Klepper could publish his exposé: “NASA Doctored Aerial Photographs of Trump Inauguration to Make Crowd of 17 Million Look like an Abandoned Field with 7 Illegal Mexicans.”

Others Fake News publishers were equally stunned by the fast turn-about and massive layoffs in the Fake News industry.

During the presidential election, Fake News emerged, seemingly out of nowhere, to threaten legacy news publications — such as The New York Times, The Washington Post and The Wall Street Journal – that were too hidebound by convention to make up horsecrap by the dump truck load.

“These old newspapers lacked nimbleness,” said Edward Echols with Forrest Research. “They were too slow to respond to seismic shifts in the way readers get what people call news. The same way the dot.com boom caught businesses flat-footed in the 1990s, the dumb.com boom, as we call it, has been murder to newspapers.”

Until now.

Reverberations from the collapse of the Fake News industry will go far beyond the sites themselves, said Frank Bassingham, Chief Clinton correspondent for YouCannotMakeThisBSup.com.

On Monday the Fake News site shuttered operations and laid off its staff of 200 editors and reporters on work release from a nearby state prison. “Now Hillary Clinton can run amok for real because there ain’t nobody around to make that crap up,” said Bassingham.

Experts say Trump’s glut of lies — like claiming he never criticized the U.S. intelligence community when, a week earlier, he compared the group to Nazis – will cost the Rust Belt more jobs than all the factories that have shut down and moved overseas.

They estimate the Fake News industry employs about 1.2 million, largely uneducated, morally bankrupt, angry white males who have almost no knowledge of anything, but can type.

By some estimates Trump has averaged at least three blatant public lies a day since his election last November — in press conferences, tweets and speeches — and the toll could grow exponentially, said Lloyd Flankers, a statistical theorist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

“It’s like trying to calculate how many molecules there are in a bowl of soup,” said Flankers. “Could be billions.”

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Calming Fears, Trump Vows To Keep Word and Destroy Health Care for Everybody Who Voted For Him http://likethedew.com/2017/01/10/calming-fears-trump-vows-to-keep-word-and-destroy-health-care-for-everybody-who-voted-for-him/ http://likethedew.com/2017/01/10/calming-fears-trump-vows-to-keep-word-and-destroy-health-care-for-everybody-who-voted-for-him/#comments Tue, 10 Jan 2017 06:33:21 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=66070

Caricature of the American Bird of Prey - The Turkey Vulture Capitalist by DonkeyHotey

Amid rising concerns among millions of jobless, destitute and desperately angry white males that he is about to cave to political pressure, President-elect Donald Trump reassured his supporters Monday that he still plans to destroy every last vestige of their health care.

“Everybody who voted for me is not going to have to mess with going to the doctor, I guarantee you!” Trump tweeted from the Trump Tower during a break in an afternoon meeting with Russian officials helping him craft his inaugural address.

“My NoBamaCare will be the greatest!” tweeted Trump. “It even includes your dental care. If you like the bad teeth you’ve got, you get to keep the bad teeth you’ve got.”

Trump’s NoBamaCare initiative was greeting with a standing ovation by Republicans in the House who have been struggling with how to destroy the American health care system within Trump’s first 100 days in office and put as many sick and contagious people on the streets as possible.

“Democrats hate to admit it, but elections have consequences,” boasted House Speaker Paul Ryan. “From now on if some homeless guy with tuberculosis sneezes on a subway in New York City you better believe he means business.”

Angry white male Rust Belt voters whose support is credited with winning the election for Trump hooted it up in trailer parks throughout Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania.

“Government isn’t supposed to make money on people being sick,” said unemployed Ypsilanti, Mich., autoworker and Tea Party activist Ed Bartlow “Insurance companies are! Lock her up!”

Peter Walker, an unemployed machinist in Racine Wisconsin, said “It’s pretty simple. With Obamacare you couldn’t keep your own doctor even if you wanted. Now, with NoBamaCare, the government can’t tell you what doctor not to have. That’s called freedom, buddy.”

Some moderate Senate Republicans suggested that there should be some system in place when Obamacare is repealed. One plan includes duct tape clinics for people with broken limbs.

“But those would be privatized!” Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell said during a hastily called afternoon press conference to respond to rumors about the clinics. “Some kind of voucher duct tape system, we’re working on it.”

McConnell said there’s also a Senate Gorilla Glue plan for people losing their teeth, and that, too would be privatized.

“It’s a way to keep prices down,” he said. “This way you can pick the teeth you want to keep, like the ones in the back other people can’t see when you smile, who cares? Why waste money gluing them back in?”

House Democratic Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said the repeal of Obamacare would raise the mortality rate in the country as millions of sick people will go undiagnosed and untreated because they can’t afford private health care insurance.

“The Democrats are just sore losers,” Trump tweeted. “The sick and the dead are not going to Make American Great Again! Sad!”

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Trump to Build Canadian Wall to Keep Americans In http://likethedew.com/2016/12/01/trump-to-build-canadian-wall-to-keep-americans-in/ http://likethedew.com/2016/12/01/trump-to-build-canadian-wall-to-keep-americans-in/#comments Thu, 01 Dec 2016 22:47:35 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=65795

The Great Wall of Canada

Trump Tower, USA – In what insiders call a “tweak” to his campaign pledge to build a border wall to keep Mexicans from sneaking into America, president elect Donald Trump plans to move the wall to the Canadian border – to keep terrified Americans from getting out.

“It’s a testament to the power of his presidency,” said a Trump source. “He believes so strongly in our Democracy he wants to build a wall to keep it intact because, after all, isn’t Democracy government by the people?

“So, if everybody is running like hell, there goes the f-in Democracy, right?”

Great Wall of North America
The great wall on Canadian border will span 5,525 miles (the Mexican border only 3,201 – not so great).

Trump’s decision was partially driven by a recent internal poll that found there’s no longer a need to build the southern border wall because “not even Mexicans want to come to America anymore,” said a Trump Tower source.

“Eighty-seven percent of Mexicans said they would rather live in East Germany before they tore down the wall,” said the source. “The other 13 percent preferred Albania.”

There’s also anecdotal evidence that 47,314,229 million Americans are stockpiling food, fuel, water and yoga pants and planning to load up rented U-hauls to make a run for the Canadian border before the Jan. 20 inauguration.

“After the election, when Republicans repeal Obamacare, we figure traffic through Canadian check points will back up to Tennessee,” said a Trump source. “And, no matter how bad it gets, nobody wants to be stuck in Tennessee.”

The size of the American exodus is hard to measure, said Vladimir Vilichmyitch, head of the Department of Pogrom Dynamics at the University of Minsk.

“Our satellite photos show massive migrations to your northern border. What’s not clear is whether it’s moose or liberals.”

The logistics of the plan are still being worked out, said a Trump transition team source.

“The wall may have to be even higher on the Canadian border to keep Americans in because a lot of these are millennial rock-climber types who are just now figuring out they were idiots for voting for Jill Stein.”

Trump plans to fund the wall with the money he saves by abolishing the Environmental Protection Agency, and build it with the labor of thousands of older white male rust-belters who voted for him because he promised to bring back jobs.

“With those guys on the build site, it may take a while,” said a source.

Trump insiders said there were early indications Trump was changing his mind about building the wall on the Southern border based on a tweet he sent shortly after being elected.

“I’m hearing billions are leaving,” he tweeted.  “Billions! Sad. Move the wall!”

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As Obama Orders Texit Vote, Millions of Americans Celebrate in the Streets http://likethedew.com/2016/06/29/as-obama-orders-texit-vote-millions-of-americans-celebrate-in-the-streets/ http://likethedew.com/2016/06/29/as-obama-orders-texit-vote-millions-of-americans-celebrate-in-the-streets/#comments Thu, 30 Jun 2016 03:58:52 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=64355

TexitIn cities across America – New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, Atlanta and New Orleans – in stunning, giddy numbers, millions of Americans streamed into the streets to celebrate President Barack Obama’s executive order Wednesday calling for a “Texit” vote to expel Texas from the union.

The executive order came two days after the U.S. Supreme Court overturned a Texas law to limit the legal rights of women to abortions, and a week after the shocking “Brexit” vote in Great Britain to sever ties to the European Union.

In his executive order, Obama said he didn’t embrace the outcome of the Brexit vote, but the spirit of it – “the cathartic, throwing off of the yoke of oppression. For them, it was the European Union. For us, it most certainly is the state of Texas.”

As the news hit social media millions walked out of offices and off job sites across the nation to spontaneously erupt in ecstatic happiness.

“This is a day I’ve dreamed of my entire life,” said Max Felder, a 73-year-old union laborer in Chicago, who joined thousands whooping and hollering and chanting at passing vehicles on Michigan Avenue.

“Good-bye Tex-ass, hell-o free-dom! Good-bye Tex-ass, hell-o free-dom!”

In the New Orleans French Quarter jazz bands played “The Saints Go Marching In,” and “What Do I Do to Be So Black and Blue” as thousands danced in the streets, deliriously, late into the night.

“I feel like I’ve died and gone to heaven!” said reveler Chris Chambers, a black cab driver who once spent a night in a Houston jail for loitering. “I was guilty of picking up a cigarette butt under the influence of being Black,” he said.

It all started with a low-key press conference late Wednesday morning in the White House Rose Garden.

“Our friends in Great Britain put their nation’s best interest up for a popular vote,” said Obama. “That was courageous. I think something like that here will go a long way to clear the air of the divisiveness and rancor and anger and hatred that have increasingly divided America.”

The divisions in this nation, he said, “always seem to start in Texas, or find a happy home there to stew and fester. More than any single act I can think of, giving Texas its long-overdue walking papers will restore this nation to the freedom-loving, democratic nation the founding fathers envisioned.”

Although the “Brexit” vote is still sending aftershocks around the world, experts said there would be no such repercussions if, in November, Americans vote to give the Lone Star State the boot.

The idea of having nothing to do with a state known for its repressive Baptist fundamentalism and radically un-American conservative politics that deny science and religious freedom — and laws that systematically oppress the poor, immigrants, minorities and women – for far too many people, is just too damn good to be true.

“It has been the dream of millions, for what feels like since dinosaurs roamed the earth, to be shed of Texas, with its fetid ideas and appalling geography and crappy little towns like Brownsville and Waco and big oozing sores like Dallas and Houston,” said Ted Sandburn, a professor of Humanities and Geophysics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

“When Americans vote Texas out of the union, there will be no aftershocks. It will be like cuddling after sex.”

Early polls show that if the vote were held today 92 percent of the nation would vote to kick Texas out of the union, and 8 percent would oppose Texit (of that 8 percent of voters, said pollsters, roughly 100 percent of them are Texans).

Historians said America’s revulsion at Texas dates back to the moment it was admitted into the union, in 1845. The antipathy most Americans feel towards the state, according to polls, has only grown worse in recent years as Texas has produced two of the most miscreantic political figures in the history of mankind: George Bush, and Ted Cruz.

Obama addressed that indirectly in his announcement.

“America must pass the kidney stone,” he said. “There will, no doubt, be shaking, and sweating, and times of excruciating pain in purging Texas from our body politic, as you imagine a thing that shape, that big, with the panhandle and all, passing through our urethra. Yeah. It’s gonna hurt, I won’t lie to you.”

“But, buddy, what a relief when that thing, boom! passes. As a nation we will recoil and sag as the hugeness of what we have just achieved ricochets around the world letting freedom ring! And, when that happens, you have my permission: go ahead and light a cigarette.”

Republicans called Obama’s action another instance of executive over-reach. “You can’t just vote on stuff in this country,” said angry House Speaker Paul Ryan who, last week, refused to allow the House to vote on gun control after the murder spree in Orlando that killed 49 people in a gay nightclub.

Ted Cruz said the move was “unconstitutional.” Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted. “Big surprise. Kenyan-born president hates America. This won’t stop me from building the wall. I’ll just move it to Oklahoma. And Mexico will still pay for it!”

In New York, in Times Square, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders joined the thousands in a street celebration not seen since the end of World War II, and provided what certainly will become an image for the ages.

Like the sailor and the nurse in the famous photo, Bernie Sanders embraced Hillary Clinton and bent her backwards at the waist. Then he kissed her.

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Cruz Spurns Five Girlfriends to Pick Fiorina as his Running Mate http://likethedew.com/2016/04/28/cruz-spurns-five-girlfriends-to-pick-fiorina-as-his-running-mate/ http://likethedew.com/2016/04/28/cruz-spurns-five-girlfriends-to-pick-fiorina-as-his-running-mate/#comments Thu, 28 Apr 2016 09:52:23 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=63941 even Ted Cruz would have sex with.]]>

Ted Names Carly is a composite image created for LikeTheDew.com from images by DonkeyHotey via flickr and used under a Creative Commons license

Texas Senator Ted Cruz bucked all political convention Wednesday by naming Carly Fiorina as his running mate instead of one of the five women he’s run around with on the extramarital sex circuit, according to rumors reported in The National Enquirer.

“You figure they had leg up on Fiorina,” quipped one Cruz source. “Turns out maybe Ted isn’t as big a leg man as everybody thought.”

Indeed, according to another source close to Cruz, the conservative evangelical Christian senator chose Fiorina to quash rumors of his extramarital sexual escapades by “picking a woman nobody in America could imagine even Ted Cruz would have sex with.

“Her abominableness gives credence to his denials.”

Political analysts called the Fiorina selection an act of desperation after Trump trounced Cruz in five primary states Tuesday and is threatening to win enough delegates to lock up the Republican nomination before the convention in July.

“He wants to change the narrative, from being the ugly, obnoxious and disgustingly duplicitous and morally repugnant jackass to the cool and enviable guy who already has his date lined up for the Big Prom,” said GOP analyst Fred Chalmers. “Which works, until you get a look at her.”

Trump, who has harshly criticized Fiorina for her physical appearance, tweeted: “Glad to see Lyin’ Ted’s VP is a woman with a face that could make a train take a dirt road. Because that’s where his campaign has been since Iowa.”

Democratic analysts praised the Cruz move.

“It will force Trump to heap all his misogyny on Carly instead of Hillary,” said Robert Alderman, a Democratic pollster. “Bada bing, bada bing!”

None of the five women rumored to have had sex with Cruz would comment unless a reporter agreed to pay their going rate of $375 an hour to “escort” them through the facts.

Unfortunately, that’s against the editorial policy of LikeTheDew.

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Machen America Wieder Groß http://likethedew.com/2016/03/24/machen-america-wieder-gros/ http://likethedew.com/2016/03/24/machen-america-wieder-gros/#respond Fri, 25 Mar 2016 02:50:43 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=63585 (“Machen America Wieder Groß”) free to supporters to wear to campaign rallies in remaining primary states, hoping they get the hint. A GOP source admitted subtle is risky with Republicans.]]>

not actually a photo of Donald Trump receiving an ovation at the Reichstag after announcing a successful Anschluss march

Exasperated that its latest stratagem to derail the candidacy of Donald Trump – getting Jeb Bush to endorse Ted Cruz – has failed, mainly because Cruz is even more repugnant to most Republicans than the bellicose billionaire, the GOP is shifting its battle plan to satire and irony.

It’s going to distribute Trump campaign caps, “Make America Great Again,” translated into German (“Machen America Wieder Groß”) free to supporters to wear to campaign rallies in remaining primary states, hoping the adoring mobs get the hint.

A GOP source conceded that satire and irony are always a risky bet with Republicans.

“There’s a thing about them where they just don’t get it and frankly we don’t get why they don’t get it and we haven’t cared why they don’t get until now because it worked great for us for decades, them not… getting it,” said a GOP source.

The base’s continued belief, for instance, that Ronald Reagan was a great president  — even though he set in motion the destruction of the middle class in America by his attacks on unions and tax breaks for the rich, and his trickle-down theory of economics, to most people, just felt like a warm stream or urine down the back of their necks — heightens strategists’ fears that too many Republicans are too hopelessly slow to recognize when something is ironic, satiric, sardonic — or simply a travesty.

“If they don’t get this – that they’re wearing a hat that would be appropriate attire at a Nuremberg rally – we could easily see Trump embracing the slogan, and using it in his own commercials, and the whole thing could fehlzundung like Romney.”

The anti-Trump GOP forces have also produced a shock-effect reminiscent of the Atom Bomb commercial LBJ used against Goldwater in the 1964 election. In that a little girl is picking flowers and a nuclear bomb goes off with a mushroom cloud, implying Goldwater would start a nuclear war.

 

 

The GOP ad features Trump in on the Mexican border, while the crowd salutes him, with right arms thrust in the air, as they have in recent rallies, while he speaks in German: “Ich werde eine Mauer zu errichten und Mexiko wird dafur bezahlen!”

The ad leaves it to viewers to translate.

And there is no mustache.

“Again, we’re talking satiric, sardonic, ironic,” said the GOP source. “It’s the subtle power of the extremely obvious to everybody else.

The GOP said they’re left with no choice but to be satirical because blunt opposition to Trump has backfired, and fueled Trump’s support. They said they are encouraged, however, that Republicans have, in the past picked up the double meaning of words such as “takers” and the “urban vote” to understand what they were intended to convey: undesirable blacks.

That, they got – thank God,” said the GOP source.

In that vein, the anti-Trumpers are also working behind the scenes to get black activist Al Sharpton to endorse Trump. The pitch to Sharpton is that if Trump is derailed, then Democrats win the election.

“With all Sharpton’s talk about equality and opposition to police brutality, if he endorses Trump, Trump’s support dries up and dies,” said the GOP source. “They have a German word for it. Let me translate.

Kaput.”

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Soon Hogan vs. Gawker Will be the Jury’s Problem – Not Ours http://likethedew.com/2016/03/18/soon-hogan-vs-gawker-will-be-the-jurys-problem-not-ours/ http://likethedew.com/2016/03/18/soon-hogan-vs-gawker-will-be-the-jurys-problem-not-ours/#respond Fri, 18 Mar 2016 12:03:45 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=63530

St. Petersburg – The $100 million Hulk Hogan sex video case, upon which all freedom of speech in the Internet Age is said to hang, appeared to take a sudden turn Thursday morning in the direction of making all celebrity sex videos fair game for the worldwide web.

An appeals court ruled that FBI files had to be unsealed and made public and these files were rumored to be so devastating they would destroy Hogan’s case against the gossip site he is suing, Gawker, for posting a video in 2012 of him having sex with the wife of his best friend, Bubba the Love Sponge Clem.

He claims that posting the video, which was seen on by about 2.5 million people, was an invasion of privacy. Gawker claims Hogan (real name, Terry Bollea), has bragged about his penis size and sexual prowess so much in two books and numerous interviews, he has no privacy left to invade.

Before Thursday morning, the case, after almost two weeks in court, was winding down, at times droning on, to a conclusion. Closing arguments were expected Thursday afternoon. Then the FBI files bombshell landed.

In those FBI documents – which Hogan attorneys and Judge Pamela Campbell have fought vigorously to keep out of evidence – does Hogan admit he knew he was being videotaped when he was having sex with Bubba the Love Sponge Clem’s wife, Heather Clem?

In those FBI documents, are there more devastating Hogan comments that will be played to a jury, similar to his racial and homophobic slurs leaked last summer to the National Enquirer, after which he was summarily fired by World Wresting Entertainment, for whom he had been their biggest draw for two decades?

If the jury heard comments like that now, wouldn’t it be ruinous to Hogan’s credibility, not to mention any kind of sympathy he might have engendered with the 6-person panel over the last two weeks of often frighteningly coarse testimony?

Speculation in the third floor media room at the Pinellas County courthouse Thursday morning ran rampant when word broke that Judge Pamela Campbell had been overruled in the case – for the third time — along with a sense of pleasure, and relief, that the appeals court has smacked her around.

She needed it.

Believe me.

From the beginning the Jeb Bush appointee has thwarted efforts to cover the trial by keeping bench arguments out of hearing distance, and ruling that the jury would be shown the Hogan video (it never was, except for a brief outtake), but reporters would not be allowed to view it.

Campbell appeared shaken as she sat on the bench with it all unraveling around her.

The media was demanding that the clerk’s release the unsealed, now public files. Attorneys from both sides were gathered in front of her, evidently arguing – at times it appeared heatedly – but out of hearing distance, over what to do with those unsealed files.

Could these time bombs finally be allowed into evidence?

It was the last thing, judging by the expressions on their faces, that Hogan attorneys wanted. It was everything, judging by expressions, that Gawker attorneys had hoped and pleaded and motioned and prayed for – for months.

After a couple of hours of this, Campbell clicked the courtroom microphone back on and told the jury to go home for the day. Hogan attorneys filed a request for an “emergency stay” to prevent the FBI documents from being released to the press, despite the appeals’ court ruling.

Judge Campbell said the press had until 3 p.m. to argue against the request with the appeals court. The joy that had enlivened the media room, not always subtle, began to ebb as reporters on deadlines with sparse information tried to deduce what the hell was going on and file something.

This case, from the beginning, had no redeeming characters. It has been an exercise in how low the 1st Amendment must go to guarantee the rest of us freedom of speech. But couldn’t it be less bottom-feeding than having to watch an aging wrestler have sex with his best friend’s wife in a canopy bed?

Surely, the Founding Fathers weren’t thinking that?

On Tuesday, the founder of Gawker, Nick Denton, was asked on cross examination by a Hogan attorney to read excerpts from an “essay” that ran with the Hogan sex video when it was posted back in 2012.

It was pretty rank, descriptive stuff, explaining, for instance, how Heather Clem had performed a “slow, dutiful blowjob” on Hogan. Denton, who is English, read it devoid of emotion or inflection. Still, it came off as triple XXX Masterpiece Theater.

One juror put her hand to her mouth.

Hogan buried his head in his hands.

It was his finest moment in two weeks in the courtroom.

A few days earlier, a deposition was played of Gawker’s former editor in chief, A.J. Daulerio. He’s the one who wrote the “slow, dutiful blowjob” essay. He said, on questioning by a Hogan attorney that Gawker does, indeed, have editorial standards in regards to when a sex video is acceptable.

The Hogan attorney asked him what is the standard? Daulerio said no children sex videos. The attorney asked him what age children? How young? Where do you draw the line?

Daulerio answered: “4.”

Later, on the witness stand, Daulerio said he was being sarcastic, not serious. The Hogan attorney asked him: Were you joking about child pornography? He said no, he wasn’t joking about child pornography.

It just sounded like he was joking about child pornography.

Speculation among reporters Thursday morning was the FBI files could swing the verdict in Gawker’s favor. By late Thursday afternoon that speculation had become as pointless as trying to hear what the lawyers were talking about in the courtroom in front of Judge Campbell’s sounds-of-silence bench.

The court public information officer, Stephen Thompson, send out an email: “Journalists, Closing arguments are scheduled to begin tomorrow at 9 a.m.” In other words there would be no FBI files entered into evidence.

The jury likely will get the case late Friday and return a verdict next week. It will be reported that it’s either a crushing blow to freedom of the press, or the right to privacy has a new hero who wears a bandanna and is inordinately well-endowed.

No matter what the six members of the jury decide, you’ve have to know that they, like the rest of us, every last one of them, will be relieved that this belly crawl through the bowels of the 1st Amendment is finally.

Over.

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Hulk Hogan and the Hanging Ten Defense http://likethedew.com/2016/03/10/hulk-hogan-and-the-hanging-ten-defense/ http://likethedew.com/2016/03/10/hulk-hogan-and-the-hanging-ten-defense/#respond Thu, 10 Mar 2016 12:49:03 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=63485

hulk-hogan

St. Petersburg – When Hulk Hogan, the former professional wrestler whose real name is Terry Bollea, took the witness stand Tuesday in his $100 million civil trial against the gossip site Gawker, there’s a good chance he wasn’t expecting to have to admit under oath he doesn’t have a 10-inch penis.

But, on the other hand, in this suit, who knows?

Maybe lawyers had prepped him.

Hogan: “Can I admit my penis is only 8 inches?”

Lawyer: “I wouldn’t go that far.”

Hogan: “Seven inches?”

Lawyer: “I didn’t mean literally.”

Hogan: “Nine inches?”

Lawyer: “Add an inch. It sounds more believable.”

Hogan: “Ten?”

Lawyer: “You’re the Hulk. The jury will buy it. Your penis is not ten inches, as hard as that is to believe, but you’re still The Loch Ness Monster.”

Hogan: “Got it, bro.”

If you’ve been following this trial and reading the clips-on-steroids that claim freedom of the press in the Internet age may very well hang in the balance, it sure doesn’t feel like a trip through the Bill of Rights if you’ve been listening to the testimony.

It’s like watching mud wrestling.

And both guys are out of shape and wearing thongs.

Bollea is suing Gawker for posting a video, in Oct. 2012, of him having sex with the then wife of radio shock jock, and, in those days, best friend, Bubba the Love Sponge. Gawker attorneys claim the video was fair game because Hogan is a celebrity and he’s been bragging about his sexual endowment and prowess for years.

He jokes that his member is the third leg of a tripod.

He calls it… The Loch Ness Monster.

Still, the wrestler says, it’s one thing to boast about your monster on radio and TV and in two auto-biographies, but it’s quite another to have a tape of you performing cunnilingus and having sex – “naked before the world,” his attorney, Shane Vogt, said in his opening statement – in a canopy bed, posted on the internet for 203 days.

It was an invasion of privacy, Bollea testified. It turned his world upside down. “I was completely humiliated,” said the wrestler who once appeared in his reality TV series, “Hogan Knows Best,” sitting on the commode, with his pants down to his ankles.

Gawker attorney Michael Sullivan tried to shake the wrestler’s story Tuesday during cross examination and reveal him as a shameless self-promoter who had long ago surrendered any right to privacy in his sex life. If you’re going to talk about Loch Ness, Sullivan essentially said, then the world deserves to see the monster.

Sullivan played several radio and TV interviews of Hogan talking about his sex life and equipment, including a 2006 radio interview with Bubba the Love Sponge in which the two of them joked about the size of the wrestler’s penis.

“I’ve seen it before,” said Bubba. “Hard, you’re probably seven or eight inches.”

“Dude,” said Hogan. “I’ve got size 15 (shoes). I wear a size 15 ring…figure it out. A man’s penis is two thirds the size of your feet and hands.”

“So, Hogan, you’re claiming, you’re claiming to maybe have a 10-inch cock?”

“I’m not claiming. Those are the facts, Jack.”

Sullivan then asked Bollea about the interview: “Did you hear the reference to the length of your penis?”

Bollea said that he wasn’t sure he did. Not those exact words, anyway, and the recording wasn’t all that great. Could he play it again?

Sullivan waved his hand, never mind, and rephrased his question:

“Do you have any doubt that you were discussing the length of your penis?”

“It’s not mine,” said Bollea, as all motion in the courtroom froze and you could feel a slight tremble as the world wobbled on its axis. “We were discussing the size of Hulk Hogan’s penis — because Terry Bollea’s penis isn’t 10 inches.”

Sullivan had violated the rule lawyers say you should never violate: Don’t ask a question you don’t know the answer to. If you’re going to ask a man about a penis, then, by God, make sure he doesn’t have TWO of them.

The media room in the Pinellas County courthouse, where I was watching, erupted in laughter. A TV reporter whooped: “Who’s going to lead at noon with that!” None of them did, of course, not that explicitly.

Ten inches is not family entertainment.

But, in the world of tabloid New York media, the exchange was in the wheelhouse. The New York Post ran this headline – “Hulk Hogan Is Asked the Question Every Man Fears” – in Wednesday editions.

The story began:

“Hulk Hogan cut himself down to size on Tuesday — testifying that his real-life manhood doesn’t measure up to the boasts of his ​larger-than-life character.

“Day Two of Hogan’s $100 million invasion-of-privacy trial against the Web site Gawker saw the pro wrestling legend admit that while his professional persona claims to have a 10-inch penis, he is really more modestly endowed.”

The New York Times played it straight.

Absolutely no pun intended.

Under the headline “Hulk Hogan Exudes Calm In Second Day of Sex Tape Trial Against Gawker,” the story began:

“On the witness stand for a second day, Hulk Hogan was far from the chest-thumping, T-shirt-tearing champion wrestler admired for years by his fans for his braggadocio and his swagger.

“Under quiet but relentless cross-examination Tuesday by a lawyer for the website Gawker, which he has sued for invasion of privacy, the wrestler was subdued, even melancholy. Referred to in court by his real name, Terry G. Bollea, and wearing a cross on a silver chain around his neck, he appeared intent on keeping calm under the onslaught, with only the occasional trace of irritation in his responses. Even then, he consistently addressed the lawyer, Michael Sullivan, as “sir.”

“I’m not the same person I was before all this stuff happened,” said Mr. Bollea, 62, and retired from the ring. “I don’t have my guard up anymore.”

When we broke for lunch I ran into Bollea in the elevator, dressed, as always, as the Hulk – black bandanna on his head, black T-shirt, and biceps bulging through a black sports jacket, and Fu Manchu mustache.

He looked weary.

“Been up there a long time,” I said.

He looked at me and smiled. “Yeah,” he said.

Other witnesses took the stand in the afternoon. Who could remember who they were, what they said, or why? I guess the jury listened. The press reported it in Wednesday’s editions. But the story had taken the elevator down and left the building.

Gone up the street, with a slight limp.

On the witness stand they were adding elements of fact and lawyers were making $500 an hour to dicker about them.

But did they matter?

This case was supposed to be about the First Amendment, and the Right to Privacy, and where does one end and the other begin if you’re a celebrity who, by law, doesn’t have as much right to privacy as the rest of us who are without publicists.

But you ask yourself: Does either side in this case even have the right to breathe air?

Hogan’s reputation, such as it was, as a professional wrestler, was destroyed last summer when it was reported there is a recording of him using racist epithets. Here’s one of the quotes published, and not disputed by Bollea, in the National Enquirer.

“I mean, I don’t have double standards. I mean, I am a racist, to a point, f*cking n*ggers. But then when it comes to nice people and sh*t, and whatever.”

As for Gawker, it’s a gossip site that routinely uses the words “fuck” in news stories, and whose founder, Nick Denton, says what really motivates him is telling the unvarnished truth, telling the uncomfortable stories people like to talk about.

Like – an aging professional wrestler having sex with his best friend’s wife.

There’s really no high ground here in St. Pete.

This case is a gutter ride from the bay to the Gulf.

The legal story is far less interesting, probably even non-existent, compared to the story of Terry Bollea: the man trapped inside of Hulk Hogan to the point that even he has difficulty articulating where Hogan begins and where Bollea ends.

Dressed as the Hulk, Bollea tried repeatedly on the stand Tuesday to untwin himself from Hulk.

“If they ask a question about Hulk Hogan, I will answer as Hulk Hogan,” he explained to Sullivan. “If they ask me about Terry Bollea’s life, I will answer as Hulk Hogan. You will never go down to Terry Bollea.”

Got that?

I tried to get a couple of lawyers to answer whether they’d ever heard of such a legal strategy, claiming that when you say one thing, in character, you’re not responsible if it contradicts what you say when you’re not in character.

They wouldn’t bite.

Nobody asked the obvious question: Well, you’re dressed like Hulk now, but you’re testifying as Terry Bollea, who the hell are you? A few of the press reports called the scene surreal.

Both sides hired PR firms. They work the press corps and send out releases explaining to reporters what they really heard and what that testimony really meant. On Tuesday, Hogan’s publicist issued this statement:

“Terry Bollea has clearly set forth that Gawker has violated the rights of the private person, Terry Bollea. After today’s cross examination it is clear even though he is a celebrity playing certain roles, he is deserving of privacy in his personal life. It would seem Gawker is suggesting if a celebrity plays a sexual role in a movie it would then be appropriate to post a sexual video of that celebrity taken in their private life. Being a celebrity in no way shape or form occasions the loss of right to personal privacy.”

Gawker’s PR firm had this to say:

“Today in court we heard Terry Bollea state that he’s in character as “Hulk Hogan” virtually 24 hours a day (whenever he’s not home in the way he put it) – also acknowledging that as “Hulk Hogan” he regularly takes “artistic liberty” and does not tell the truth.”

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I left in the middle of the afternoon. The testimony was dull and I didn’t have the daily deadline I could see etched in the brows of the guys in the media room. It was a beautiful afternoon, temperature in the mid-70s, and sunny, and I thought, heck, I’ll go for a walk, maybe stroll over to the Dali Museum, just a few blocks away.

They’ve got a good collection of crazy, weird stuff over there, but not too perverse.

I could use a break.

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Charles Manson Endorses Ted Cruz http://likethedew.com/2016/01/25/charles-manson-endorses-ted-cruz/ http://likethedew.com/2016/01/25/charles-manson-endorses-ted-cruz/#comments Mon, 25 Jan 2016 19:32:19 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=62920

Left to right: Rick Perry, Charles Manson and Ted Cruz

Convicted psychotic mass murderer Charles Manson announced Monday he is throwing his support behind Texas Senator Ted Cruz, which came as a shock to GOP analysts who had long expected Manson to back Trump.

“I believe he’ll bring order to this race and this country that, frankly, has been a little helter-skelter during the Obama administration,” said Manson from Corcoran State Prison in California, where he is serving a life sentence for the infamous Tate-Labianca murders in the summer of 1969.

The announcement came only hours after former Texas governor Rick Perry announced his endorsement of Cruz.

“I’ve always liked Rick, trusted his judgement, and felt like we were kind of kindred spirits,” said the insane mass murderer of Perry, with whom Manson has very little in common, said GOP officials, except they’ve both been indicted.

It’s not clear if other members of the Manson Family support Cruz or Trump.

Through a spokesman, Squeaky Fromme said she is “torn between the two GOP front-runners.” Last week, former Alaska governor and 2012 Republican vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, endorsed Trump.

“It would be hard to top that Palin speech if I decided to back the billionaire,” said Fromme, who was convicted of attempting to assassinate President Gerald Ford in 1975.

“She nailed it.”

GOP analyst Charles Clanton said the endorsements may persuade some of the militia-type outlaw terrorist fringe of the Republican Party, such as the Bundy boys – who have seized Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon, at gunpoint — to support Cruz.

“But it’s a pipe dream to think that’s enough to swing Iowa in Cruz’s favor because, sadly, there are only a few thousand of those gun nut psychos in the Republican Party and it is not in their nature to participate in caucuses,” said Clanton.

“They’re kind of a hole up and barricade and eat snack food loner loser crowd.”

Analysts expect other endorsements this week as candidates jockey for any edge in the Feb. 1 Iowa caucuses.

Conservative media star Glenn Beck announced he is also backing Cruz. Former Flint Michigan lead-poison-in-your-water-decider mayor, Dayne Walling, is throwing his weight behind Chris Christie.

Un-convicted Trayvon Martin killer, George Zimmerman, announced Monday he is backing Carly Fiorina.

“She’s a straight shooter!” he Tweeted.

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Scientists Say GOP Campaign Speeches are as Lethal as Flatulence in an Elevator http://likethedew.com/2016/01/23/scientists-say-gop-campaign-speeches-are-as-lethal-as-flatulence-in-an-elevator/ http://likethedew.com/2016/01/23/scientists-say-gop-campaign-speeches-are-as-lethal-as-flatulence-in-an-elevator/#comments Sun, 24 Jan 2016 02:15:29 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=62906

GOP Debate Lineup BS Flatulence Emissions

Iowa City, Iowa – Climatologists swarmed into Iowa Saturday hoping to avert a cataclysmic rise in global temperatures if GOP candidates are allowed to continue traveling across the state discharging billions of cubic feet of BS into the atmosphere.

Scientists said the immense discharges of the gas during the GOP debates and early months of the campaign for president are the prime reason 2015 was the hottest, and by most measures, the most unpleasant year in the history of mankind.

“It was like being stuck in an elevator with hundreds of thousands of people passing gas,” said a spokesman for the International Conference on Climate Change. “It’s hard to breath – and you really don’t want to.”

Scientists said the virulence of the BS dwarfs other carbons released into the atmosphere in terms of its lethal impact on global temperatures.

“When Carly Fiorina opens her yap, somewhere in the sub-Sahara it gets slightly hotter, and somewhere, in some poor country already on the verge of climate catastrophe, a family edges a little closer to starvation,” said Climatologist Clifford Watchman.

“The consequences of these guys dispensing so much BS in such volume is creating a carbons emission crisis worse than all the coal plants belching smoke, and all the cattle on earth farting, in unison.”

The GOP issued a statement saying its BS is within allowable greenhouse gas levels “except for Donald Trump.” But recent polls show that 73 percent of Republicans in Iowa believe “the air has gotten pretty darn funky around here lately.”

Scientists say all the BS is having a profound psychological effect on humans.

“They’re always sniffing and thinking,‘was that me?’” said Ralph Peterson, professor of “Impact of Human Flatulence on the Human Psyche” at the University of Wisconsin.

“Soon you begin to doubt yourself, and so do your friends, if you have any left.”

President Barack Obama issued an executive order last November, first reported in likethedew (http://likethedew.com/2015/11/24/obama-orders-epa-to-reduce-republican-bs-emissions/), that the Environmental Protection Agency crack down on Republican BS (H2SO4BS419) emissions.

The order was too little, too late.

Scientists said Republicans refusal to accept climate change caused by humans has only accelerated the change because by denying it they are just adding to the already astounding volume of BS they’re pumping into the air, day and night, without relief, on every subject from gun control to health care to immigration policy.

“Climate deniers such as Ted Cruz are the ones doing the greatest damage,” said Evan Highsmith, an EPA researcher. “They’re like the guy in the elevator who cuts one and then looks around at everybody else like they did it.”

According to the EPA, as first reported in likethedew, Cruz is the single greatest BS emissions offender in the country. He generates more BS in a year than all the cattle passing gas in his home state of Texas, according to the agency.

A spokesman for the cattle industry, Home Pyle, said it’s about time the EPA set the record straight.

“Cows have been getting a bad rap for years about their flatulence,” said Pyle. “Cows can’t help it. They create gas as a natural byproduct of their very important contribution to society. But the GOP candidates produce more gas than all the herds of Guernseys on earth, for no apparent reason.”

Climatologists are at a loss of how to thwart the outpouring of GOP BS in Iowa as candidates stump the state in the closing weeks before the Feb. 1 caucuses.

When Sarah Palin took the stage last week and gave a speech endorsing Donald Trump the BS was so great that the earth heated instantly and an ice shelf broke off from the Artic and began drifting into shipping lanes and melting and raising sea levels.

“We are in crisis mode,” said Phillip Turner, a climatologist who is following GOP candidates around Iowa with a BS meter keeping track of their output. So far Ted Cruz had produced the most (200,000 cubic feet), and Dr. Ben Carson the least (7 cubic feet), but that latter figure is misleading, said Turner.

“Carson speaks so softly the BS gas often doesn’t even reach our meter, but, when you hear the words you just know it’s total BS and if you look up, on a clear day, you can see ducks literally fall out of the sky.

“When I got to his speeches, I always wear a face mask — and a helmet.”

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Cruz Says He Will Carpet Bomb Iowa http://likethedew.com/2016/01/18/cruz-says-he-will-carpet-bomb-iowa/ http://likethedew.com/2016/01/18/cruz-says-he-will-carpet-bomb-iowa/#comments Tue, 19 Jan 2016 01:56:22 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=62869

Ted "Inigo Montoya" Cruz

Iowa City, Iowa — Fresh off a bruising debate with Donald Trump, Texas Senator Ted Cruz said he is left with no choice but to carpet bomb Iowa.

“That state is as threatening as ISIS because it could destroy America by not allowing me to be elected president,” said Cruz during a campaign stop with his two young daughters who were working the crowd asking for donations and posing for pictures with complete strangers who gave them candy.

“When I’m done, these Iowa voters will wish to God they had never even heard the idolater names of Trump, Rubio, and What’shisface,” said Cruz.

It’s not clear who Whatshisface is, and Cruz refused to say. But GOP consultant Ralph Davidson said “it’s obviously not Jeb Bush, because he’s ‘Whogivesadamn.’”

Other GOP consultants said Cruz’s carpet bomb strategy could be risky because it will take out thousands of innocent people.

“You’ve got somebody who is a big supporter of Rand Paul and suddenly they’re blasted into oblivion?” said GOP strategist Ned Cochran. “That’s not what America is about. We don’t do that to people. We’re selective about who we obliterate.”

As the campaign heads for Iowa caucuses, Feb. 1, other candidates are revealing strategies to get out the vote, assuming all the voters haven’t been preemptively incinerated or vaporized by Cruz’s vow to carpet-bomb the state “until the corn glows.”

Mike Huckabee is going door to door to drum up votes and selling cleaning products to raise money. His big seller, said a spokesman, is a toilet bowl cleaner guaranteed not to cause rump rashes, unlike harsher chemicals, such as Clorox.

Rand Paul has been working shopping malls and washing cars. Dr. Ben Carson is going door to door and offering free brain surgery to anybody who will vote for him.

Unfortunately, polls show the only people who would vote for Dr. Carson are brain damaged, so that strategy to perform surgery to restore human intelligence could backfire.

“Hell, they could vote for Bernie Sanders,” said GOP analyst Earl Bussington

Carly Fiorina said she planned to lay off anybody who doesn’t vote for her. Chris Christie said he would eat all the food in the state and leave everybody starving if he doesn’t win, which people who have followed Christie in buffet lines said is entirely possible.

Donald Trump has offered anybody who votes for him preferred non-voting stock in the next casino he builds in Atlantic City and then file for bankruptcy so the campaign won’t end up costing him a cent. Rich Santorum is going door to door with an offering plate and performing communions — for $5 a pop.

Marco Rubio’s plan is to go door to door boring voters into submission with yet another story about how poor his parents were, then putting all the expenses on a GOP credit card and explaining it all away later with great charisma and rhetorically brilliant bullsh-t.

 

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Trump Demands Proof of Ted Cruz’s DNA http://likethedew.com/2016/01/07/trump-demands-proof-of-ted-cruzs-dna/ http://likethedew.com/2016/01/07/trump-demands-proof-of-ted-cruzs-dna/#comments Thu, 07 Jan 2016 21:39:44 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=62798 monkey bars!”]]>

GOP candidates led by Trump vs Cruz's birth certificate

Stepping up his birther attacks on Ted Cruz, Donald Trump is demanding proof of the Texas Senator and GOP presidential candidate’s DNA and has hired Ancestry.com “to prove, once and for all, he is one of us.”

“I look at the guy and I think a face like that can’t possibly be a real American,” Trump said in a Thursday press conference. “And he doesn’t look Canadian either, which is where he was born, and his father was a Cuban?

“I mean, this guy’s family tree is monkey bars!”

Trump operatives have been following Cruz around Iowa where he’s campaigning hoping to obtain hair samples and flakes of skin from the Texas Senator who is known to shed in public.

“Lots of, huge vacuuming going on, we’re going to make follicle collection great again!” said Trump, laughing.

Trump said, even if Cruz is a “natural born citizen” because his mother was a U.S. Citizen, and he therefore is eligible to be president, there are still questions about how Cruz’s mother, after giving birth to him in Canada, entered the U.S.

“Did she sneak across the border? I’m just saying I’d love to see this straightened out. I’d hate to have it hang like a cloud over the Iowa caucuses next month.”

Trump’s campaign released satellite footage of what appears to be a mother and small child crossing the nation’s northern border, and bypassing security checks.

“It’s hard to say from outer space, but that could be Mrs. Cruz and that little bundle could be your GOP presidential wannabe who wasn’t even born in this country and apparently entered it illegally because there’s no wall,” said Trump.

The political fact-checking site, Politifact, later said the video was actually shot in Minnesota and it was of a woman carrying a duck home for dinner, which is a tradition in that state.

Trump said he’s not ready to demand that Cruz release his long-form birth certificate, as he did when he questioned whether Barack Obama was born in the U.S.

“That’s a lot of paper work and he’s busy on the campaign trail along with his children, who he has going door to door in Iowa begging for donations. You know how people have a hard time saying no to young children.”

Genealogical experts said it’s not clear what Cruz’s DNA results might produce.

“It could be a pastiche of ambiguity,” said University of Arizona researcher Will Bedwood. “Or it could be he’s got one of those crazy Bundys hiding in the wood pile.

“Wouldn’t that be a hoot?”

GOP analysts said Trump’s ploy could backfire if Cruz demands Trump’s DNA.

“I’m not going to make a hair joke, and I’m not going to talk about any other members of the animal kingdom, if that’s what you’re getting at,” said Steven Alford, a political consultant with America Now, America Tomorrow, America Forever.

“Can you please keep this campaign coverage on the high road?”

Alford then coughed, repeatedly.

Reporters in the room said it sounded like: “Ba-Boon, Ba-Boon. Ba-Boon.

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