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Saturday, August 19, 2017
Southern Weather Radar


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    Jeffry Scott

    Jeffry Scott

    Jeffry Scott is a former staff reporter for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution where, over the course of 24 years, he covered two of the biggest trials in the city's history -- the racketeering trial of former mayor Bill Campbell, and the trial of courthouse shooter, Brian Nichols -- and wrote features on travel, food, politics, movies, TV and advertising, and covered breaking news on the metro desk. He left the paper two years ago and is living, quite happily, in St. Petersburg, Fla., as a freelance writer.


    Number of posts: 36
    Email address: email

    By Jeffry Scott:


      trumpian satire

      Trump Eases Testicle-Removal Regulations to Put Castratos Back To Work

      by | 7, Add your Comment | Mar 30, 2017
      Trump Eases Testicle-Removal Regulations to Put Castratos Back To Work

      President Donald Trump kept his campaign vow to put more Americans back to work by signing an executive order Wednesday that will ease government regulations against the surgical removal of testicles and revive the long-languishing castrato industry in this country.

      “C’mon, fellas, you know what this is, you know what this says,” Trump said during a signing ceremony at the White House where he was flanked on stage by unemployed males with low-pitched vocal ranges…

      strike one

      Atlantans Prepare For Daring Conquest of Cobb County Braves’ Game

      by | 5, Add your Comment | Mar 2, 2017
      Atlantans Prepare For Daring Conquest of Cobb County Braves’ Game

      Atlantans are preparing for what many believe is an impossibility: ascending I-75 during rush hour in time to make it to a Braves’ game in Cobb County.

      For weeks fans have been stockpiling food and fuel and consulting guides – one Buckhead man has hired six Sherpas – for the treacherous trek to the top of the city’s peak traffic nightmare where breathing can require oxygen and one slip can be fatal.

      “My wife doesn’t want me to go,” said Billy Waldrop. “You know, we’ve got three kids, and if I don’t make it…”

      destruction of american values

      Trump Says He’s Done More in 7 Days Than God Did

      by | 8, Add your Comment | Jan 27, 2017
      Trump Says He's Done More in 7 Days Than God Did

      President Donald Trump tweeted Friday that he’s done more in his first seven days than God did.

      “He did a lot,” Trump tweeted. “I’d be the first to admit that. I’m a devout man. But this week, Lordy, kind of hard to trump Trump!”

      According to the Biblical account, God created the entire universe in seven days. Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway conceded Friday “that was a remarkable achievement, in its own right.

      fake opinion next?

      As Trump Lies Glut Market, Fake News Sites Lay Off Thousands

      by | 1, Add your Comment | Jan 25, 2017
      As Trump Lies Glut Market, Fake News Sites Lay Off Thousands

      Fake News sites are laying off thousands of workers in the wake of Donald Trump’s first days in office when he rattled off so many lies publishers of the sites said there’s no more complete horsecrap left to make up.

      “He’s ruining our business model,” said Ted Klepper, an out-of-work auto worker who publishes TruthGodFacks.com from a shed in the back of his home in Blanchard, Michigan.

      make america ache again

      Calming Fears, Trump Vows To Keep Word and Destroy Health Care for Everybody Who Voted For Him

      by | 3, Add your Comment | Jan 10, 2017
      Calming Fears, Trump Vows To Keep Word and Destroy Health Care for Everybody Who Voted For Him

      Amid rising concerns among millions of jobless, destitute and desperately angry white males that he is about to cave to political pressure, President-elect Donald Trump reassured his supporters Monday that he still plans to destroy every last vestige of their health care.

      “Everybody who voted for me is not going to have to mess with going to the doctor, I guarantee you!” Trump tweeted …

      huuuge

      Trump to Build Canadian Wall to Keep Americans In

      by | 4, Add your Comment | Dec 1, 2016
      The Great Wall of Canada

      Trump Tower, USA – In what insiders call a “tweak” to his campaign pledge to build a border wall to keep Mexicans from sneaking into America, president elect Donald Trump plans to move the wall to the Canadian border – to keep terrified Americans from getting out.

      “It’s a testament to the power of his presidency,” said a Trump source. “He believes so strongly in …

      mexico might take them

      As Obama Orders Texit Vote, Millions of Americans Celebrate in the Streets

      by | 3, Add your Comment | Jun 29, 2016
      Texit

      In cities across America – New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, Atlanta and New Orleans – in stunning, giddy numbers, millions of Americans streamed into the streets to celebrate President Barack Obama’s executive order Wednesday calling for a “Texit” vote to expel Texas from the union.

      The executive order came two days after the U.S. Supreme Court overturned a Texas law to limit the legal rights of women to abortions, and a week after the shocking “Brexit” vote in Great Britain to sever ties to the European Union.

      satire on the campaign trail

      Cruz Spurns Five Girlfriends to Pick Fiorina as his Running Mate

      by | 5, Add your Comment | Apr 28, 2016
      Ted Names Carly is a composite image created for LikeTheDew.com from images by DonkeyHotey via flickr and used under a Creative Commons license

      Texas Senator Ted Cruz bucked all political convention Wednesday by naming Carly Fiorina as his running mate instead of one of the five women he’s run around with on the extramarital sex circuit, according to rumors reported in The National Enquirer.

      “You figure they had leg up on Fiorina,” quipped one Cruz source. “Turns out maybe Ted isn’t as big a leg man as everybody thought.”
      Indeed, according to another source close to Cruz, the conservative evangelical Christian senator chose Fiorina to quash rumors of his extramarital sexual escapades by “picking a woman nobody in America could imagine even Ted Cruz would have sex with.

      make america great again

      Machen America Wieder Groß

      by | 0, Add your Comment | Mar 24, 2016
      not actually a photo of Donald Trump receiving an ovation at the Reichstag after announcing a successful Anschluss march

      Exasperated that its latest stratagem to derail the candidacy of Donald Trump – getting Jeb Bush to endorse Ted Cruz – has failed, mainly because Cruz is even more repugnant to most Republicans than the bellicose billionaire, the GOP is shifting its battle plan to subtle understatement.

      It’s going to distribute Trump campaign caps, “Make America Great Again,” translated into German (“Machen America Wieder Groß”) free to supporters to wear to campaign rallies in remaining primary states, hoping they get the hint.

      A GOP source admitted subtle is risky with Republicans.

      jury of peers to decide

      Soon Hogan vs. Gawker Will be the Jury’s Problem – Not Ours

      by | 0, Add your Comment | Mar 18, 2016
      Hulk Hogan v. Gawker

      St. Petersburg – The $100 million Hulk Hogan sex video case, upon which all freedom of speech in the Internet Age is said to hang, appeared to take a sudden turn Thursday morning in the direction of making all celebrity sex videos fair game for the worldwide web.

      An appeals court ruled that FBI files had to be unsealed and made public and these files were rumored to be so devastating they would destroy Hogan’s case against the gossip site he is suing, Gawker, for posting a video in 2012 of him having sex with the wife of his best friend, Bubba the Love Sponge.

      stranger than fiction

      Hulk Hogan and the Hanging Ten Defense

      by | 0, Add your Comment | Mar 10, 2016
      Hulk Hogan and the Hanging Ten Defense

      St. Petersburg – When Hulk Hogan, the former professional wrestler whose real name is Terry Bollea, took the witness stand Tuesday in his $100 million civil trial against the gossip site Gawker, there’s a good chance he wasn’t expecting to have to admit under oath he doesn’t have a 10-inch penis.

      But, on the other hand, in this suit, who knows?

      Maybe lawyers had prepped him.

      satire on the trail

      Charles Manson Endorses Ted Cruz

      by | 3, Add your Comment | Jan 25, 2016
      Left to right: Rick Perry, Charles Manson and Ted Cruz - a composite image created by LikeTheDew.com

      Convicted psychotic mass murderer Charles Manson announced Monday he is throwing his support behind Texas Senator Ted Cruz, which came as a shock to GOP analysts who had long expected Manson to back Trump.

      “I believe he’ll bring order to this race and this country that, frankly, has been a little helter-skelter during the Obama administration,” said Manson from Corcoran State Prison in California, where he is serving a life sentence for the infamous Tate-Labianca murders in the summer of 1969.

      satire on the campaign trail

      Scientists Say GOP Campaign Speeches are as Lethal as Flatulence in an Elevator

      by | 1, Add your Comment | Jan 23, 2016
      GOP Debate Lineup BS Flatulence Emissions

      Iowa City, Iowa – Climatologists swarmed into Iowa Saturday hoping to avert a cataclysmic rise in global temperatures if GOP candidates are allowed to continue traveling across the state discharging billions of cubic feet of BS into the atmosphere.

      Scientists said the immense discharges of the gas during the GOP debates and early months of the campaign for president are the prime reason 2015 was the hottest, and by most measures, the most unpleasant year in the history of mankind.

      on the campaign trail

      Cruz Says He Will Carpet Bomb Iowa

      by | 2, Add your Comment | Jan 18, 2016
      Ted "Inigo Montoya" Cruz

      Iowa City, Iowa — Fresh off a bruising debate with Donald Trump, Texas Senator Ted Cruz said he is left with no choice but to carpet bomb Iowa.

      “That state is as threatening as ISIS because it could destroy America by not allowing me to be elected president,” said Cruz during a campaign stop with his two young daughters who were working the crowd asking for donations and posing for pictures with complete strangers who gave them candy.

      satire on the campaign trail

      Trump Demands Proof of Ted Cruz’s DNA

      by | 3, Add your Comment | Jan 7, 2016
      GOP candidates led by Trump vs Cruz's birth certificate

      Stepping up his birther attacks on Ted Cruz, Donald Trump is demanding proof of the Texas Senator and GOP presidential candidate’s DNA and has hired Ancestry.com “to prove, once and for all, he is one of us.”

      “I look at the guy and I think a face like that can’t possibly be a real American,” Trump said in a Thursday press conference. “And he doesn’t look Canadian either, which is where he was born, and his father was a Cuban?

      “I mean, this guy’s family tree is monkey bars!”

      better’n pissed on?

      Poll Shows 100 Percent of Republicans are Pissed Off at Everything

      by | 2, Add your Comment | Dec 29, 2015
      Poll Shows 100 Percent of Republicans are Pissed Off at Everything

      A new University of Wisconsin poll found that 100 percent of Republicans are pissed off at everything.

      That includes puppies and sunshine, said researchers.

      “There’s just so much anger out there, so much disillusionment – I don’t know any other way to put it, but everything just pisses them off,” said Jed Williamson, the lead researcher on the poll that surveyed registered Republican voters nationwide.

      gift that keeps on taking

      Just in Time to Celebrate America’s God: the GOP Christmas Catalog

      by | 10, Add your Comment | Dec 15, 2015
      Just in Time to Celebrate America’s God: the GOP Christmas Catalog

      Merry Christmas and a happy GOP!

      Has there ever a better time than now to celebrate America’s God and the birth of America’s savior, Jesus Christ, our Lord? Has there ever been a better time than now to support the Republican Party, the one that believes in America’s God? Has there ever a better time than now to cash in on the biggest savings on The Savior you have ever seen!!

      OMG! Where else are you going to find a Signed, Rand Paul, Curly Head, Deep Pile, Bathroom Throw Rug — for only $29.95? Or a Where’s Bobby Jindal? Coloring Book — for only $18.95?

      satire

      Republicans Introduce Legislation to Make Guns and Ammo Affordable for All Americans

      by | 3, Add your Comment | Dec 8, 2015
      Guns Over People by Mario Piperni

      Congressional Republicans moved swiftly Tuesday to change the subject from banishing all Muslims from entering this country to passing new legislation that will make it beside the point because every single American will have a gun.

      If passed, the Affordable Guns & Ammo Act (AG&AA) will cut prices on assault rifles for middle class families by as much as 40 percent and require employers to buy workers up to 1000 rounds a month, or face stiff fines, said GOP officials.

      in the wake of paris

      Obama Orders EPA to Reduce Republican BS Emissions

      by | 2, Add your Comment | Nov 24, 2015
      Dangerous BS Emissions from GOP Candidates Cause EPA Action

      President Barack Obama issued an executive order Tuesday requiring the Environmental Protection Agency to crack down on Republican BS emissions that have risen dramatically in recent weeks.

      “We are facing a crisis in this country and what we need to get through it is clear thinking and what we need for clear thinking is clean air and what we’ve got it too much BS,” said Obama in a morning press conference.

      “I’ve asked the EPA to step in and start fining offenders…

      satire on the campaign trail

      Most Iowans Would Rather Have Bobby Jindal Do Their Brain Surgery

      by | 1, Add your Comment | Nov 10, 2015
      Dr. Ben Carson Dinosaur Wrangler

      Most Iowans would rather have Bobby Jindal perform brain surgery on them than Dr. Ben Carson, according to the latest Quinnipiac University Poll of registered Republicans in the state who either need brain surgery, or are undecided.

      A retired brain surgeon, Dr. Carson led in all previous polls in the key primary state that asked voters: “If you needed brain surgery, which GOP candidate would you want to perform it?” In the latest poll – coming in the wake of recent revelations about Dr. Ben Carson fabricating parts of his personal history and making bizarre statements about pyramids and other things – Iowa voters’ faith in the candidate appears to be shattered.

      satire

      Researchers Say Fox News Causes Brain Damage in Rats

      by | 2, Add your Comment | Nov 3, 2015
      Brain damaged rat watching Fox News

      Researchers said Tuesday that watching Fox News caused brain damage in rats. They said they’re not sure what that means, but the results are conclusive.

      After watching “The O’Reilly Factor” and “Hannity” for six months the rats were never the same.

      “They got more hostile and I would venture to say more irrational,” said University of Wisconsin researcher, Ralph Phillips, who led the study that was published in the November issue of the science journal Mind Bender.

      satire on the campaign trail

      Bush Campaign Leaves Huge Crater in Arizona Desert

      by | 2, Add your Comment | Oct 29, 2015
      Flying elephants animated gif via Giphy.com

      When it crashed in the Arizona desert, it left a crater where there was once a Bush presidential bid.

      “I haven’t seen anything like this since Herman Cain in 2012,” said GOP astrophysicist Ted Billard as he examined the still-smoldering hole in the ground Thursday morning. “But Herman’s crater you could step across, about two feet. This one, we measured it, is a quarter of a mile across and 400 feet deep.

      on top of stone mtn

      Georgia to Build “We Exhibit – You Decide” Racial Strife Museum

      by | 6, Add your Comment | Oct 25, 2015
      Georgia Plans for Stone Mountain Covered Up

      Georgia plans to build a “We Exhibit – You Decide” racial strife museum atop Stone Mountain to address the state’s long and troubled history of discrimination against dozens of minorities and blacks by making it a tourist attraction.

      The museum will offer exhibits on both sides of the controversy over civil rights: people for them, and people against them.  And, instead of passing judgement, the museum will allow people to decide for themselves, said Georgia Governor Nathan Deal in an afternoon press conference.

      satire on the campaign trail

      Republican Party Confirms George Bush Was Once President

      by | 6, Add your Comment | Oct 21, 2015
      George Bush - Caricature by DonkeyHotey via flickr

      The Republican Party confirmed Wednesday that George Bush was once President of the United States.

      “We’re just trying to clear the air and make it clear we’re all about transparency,” said GOP spokesman Frank Billingham. “There have been all these press reports that he was president and, rather than fan more speculation, we confirm that he was, indeed, President of the United States – but, let me emphasize, for the point of absolute clarity, it was a long, long, LOOOOOONG time ago.”

      on the campaign trail:

      Lack of Hate in Democratic Debate Angers Republicans

      by | 5, Add your Comment | Oct 14, 2015
      2016 Democratic Candidates - caricatures of (left to right) Lawrence Lessig (not invited or shown), Jim Webb, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Martin O'Malley and Lincoln Chafee – by DonkeyHotey via flickr and used under a Creative Commons license

      Republicans expressed anger and resentment at the “lack of hate” in the Democratic debate Tuesday night that pitted front-runner Hillary Rodham Clinton against self-declared socialist candidate, Bernie Sanders.

      “I’ve heard all this talk on the radio about how they are destroying this country, how he’s such a socialist, and she’s such a liar, I just expected fireworks and a meltdown, the kind of hatred and vitriol we take for granted at Republican debates and campaign rallies,” said Ted Fletcher, who watched the debate with his family at their home in Satsuma, Ala.

      not rocket science either

      Scientists Seek Answers to What Happened to Dr. Ben Carson’s Brain

      by | 5, Add your Comment | Oct 10, 2015
      Ben Carson - Caricature by DonkeyHotey via flickr and used under a Creative Commons license.

      Scientists around the world are grappling with one of the great mysteries of the age: What happened to Dr. Ben Carson’s brain? Did he perform brain surgery on himself and botch the procedure? Or did he actually perform brain surgery on himself and it was a success — sort of like how he once separated twins joined at the head, except…

      satire

      Volkswagen to Bring Back AMC Gremlin, Ford Pinto, and Chevy Vega

      by | 3, Add your Comment | Oct 7, 2015
      1971 AMC Gremlin, 1973 Chevrolet Vega and 1972 Ford Pinto by Julia LaPalme - promotional photo for Motortrend

      Embattled car-maker Volkswagen plans to bring back the AMC Gremlin, Ford Pinto, and Chevy Vega so that its own vehicles that have been illegally pumping toxic pollutants into the air for years will suddenly look good by comparison.

      “We think consumers will re-think Volkswagen, see it in a different light, once they get behind the wheel of a Chevy Vega and just try to start the damn thing,” said a spokesman…

      on the campaign trail

      Mr. Speaker: May I Have Your Urine Sample, Please?

      by | 8, Add your Comment | Oct 3, 2015
      Tea bag in GOPee urine sample

      To fend off the inevitable criticism from Democrats, liberals and the media that the next GOP Speaker of the House is so delusional he or she must be on drugs, the new Speaker will first have to pass a urine test. “That should settle the matter that they’re not on drugs, even all those guys in the Tea Party Freedom Caucus,” said a GOP insider, who compared the plan to being pulled over by a cop. “So you’re weaving like crazy, and blowing…

      satire

      Pope Warns of Global Dumbing

      by | 3, Add your Comment | Sep 29, 2015
      Pope Francis Speaks to US Congress by DonkeyHotey via flickr and used under a Creative Commons license

      Having returned from his trip to the U.S. where he addressed Congress, Pope Francis on Tuesday issued an encyclical from the Vatican warning of “man-made Global Dumbing.” “It disturbs me beyond belief the level of intelligence quotient that I encountered during my visit to the U.S., especially in the Republican-led Congress, where I’m guessing the average IQ must be in the high 70s or low 80s, at best,” Francis said, through an interpreter. “That’s unacceptable.”

      on the campaign trail:

      Trump To Get Baptized In Creek before Next Debate

      by | 5, Add your Comment | Sep 21, 2015
      Trump To Get Baptized In Creek before Next Debate

      Opp, Ala. – For the first time since announcing his run for president, Donald Trump spoke in tongues on Monday and told evangelicals gathered at a tent revival and barbecue he plans to get baptized in a creek before the next presidential debate.

      The announcement at a rural Alabama Baptist church caught GOP observers by surprise as well as evangelicals gathered to hear the usual Trump stump speech denouncing Mexicans and insulting women.

      on the campaign trail

      Psychologists Say GOP Candidates Scare Pets and Small Children

      by | 3, Add your Comment | Sep 10, 2015
      The Top Sixteen GOP Candidates - Caricatures by DonkeyHotey via flickr and used under a Creative Commons license

      Bellevue, Ill. – Psychologists say there is growing evidence that GOP candidates scare pets and small children.

      The psychologists, meeting here for their annual convention, said the research is based on interviews with parents whose children watched the first GOP debate and have since had difficulty sleeping without a parent in the room or leaving the lights on all night.

      on the campaign trail:

      Looking For a GOP Soul

      by | 2, Add your Comment | Sep 2, 2015
      Looking For a GOP Soul

      San Clemente, Calif. – The back yard of Richard Nixon’s old Western White House seemed like as good a place as any to start the search for a Republican soul, said researcher Ed Whitfield as he prowled the grounds with a metal detector late Wednesday afternoon.

      “Any kind of beep, and I’m getting aroused, I’m telling you that right now,” said Whitfield, a retired entomologist who is among scores of GOP volunteers scouring the nation for any trace of a Republican soul.

      consume 

      Coca-Cola Thinks About Recalling 600 Billion Soft Drinks

      by | 2, Add your Comment | Aug 24, 2015
      Coca-Cola Thinks About Recalling 600 Billion Soft Drinks

      Responding to criticism that its soft drinks contribute to epidemic obesity in America, and that it hooks kids on the sugary sodas like Bill Cosby giving away Quaalude Jell-O shots to kindergarteners, and that it has funded research to confuse Americans about how horrible soft drinks are for human health, the Atlanta-based Coca-Cola Co. said it is thinking doing something – but probably not.

      “Sure, we could recall all 600 billion soft drinks Americans drink on an average day, and you could make the case that these sugar-packed sodas contribute to the nation’s appalling weight gain, in the same way you could make the case that eating ANYTHING, including alfalfa sprouts, contributes to weight gain,” said a Coca-Cola spokesman…

      let the free market decide

      GOP to Auction Off “Bottom-Feeding Seven” on eBay

      by | 2, Add your Comment | Aug 14, 2015
      Fox GOP Kids Table Debate” by DonkeyHotey via his flickr photo stream and used under a Creative Commons license. https://www.flickr.com/photos/donkeyhotey/20319204396/in/dateposted/

      The Republican Party plans to auction off the bottom seven GOP presidential candidates on eBay. The party said the move will channel money to the low-polling stragglers and simplify the debate format.

      “Look, we’ve got nothing against Rick Santorum and Bobby Jindal, even if obviously voters do,” said a GOP spokesman. “This is threefold: it gives those boys a chance to raise money, it raises their visibility, and it gives the electoral process back to the average voter. Win. Win. Win.”

      politics republican style

      Wisconsin Teachers’ Union Sends Condolences to Scott Walker

      by | 4, Add your Comment | Aug 8, 2015
      FOX Debate Republican Idol

      Trying to mend fences with Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, public employees’ unions sent condolences to Walker Friday afternoon after his performance in Thursday night’s GOP debate on Fox News.

      The union’s ranks were decimated after it lost a bitter battle with Walker, who passed laws limiting collective bargaining rights in the state, costing many their jobs and livelihoods.

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