Pennsylvania, now leading the nation in school security, takes it up a notch again.

The folks in Erie, Pennsylvania, not to be outdone by the folks in Schuylkill County PA, have raised the bar (or bat) in the school protection racket.

You may have heard that Schuylkill County, PA. is lamely doling out buckets of rocks (I shit you not) to students and faculty to sling-about in case semi-automatic weapons fire goes wafting through their classrooms. But Erie, PA. is supplying a far more deadly weapon – a baseball bat. And not a full size bat either – it is a deadly, miniature, 18 inch baseball bat. My guess is the wily folks who thought this up made it miniature so it can be legally used as a “concealed carry” bat. Permits and 6 months of appropriate training will be required in order to carry it.

Minature Bat Given out to schools
William Hall, the superintendent of the Millcreek Township School District in Pennsylvania, with one of the miniature bats given to teachers in response to recent school shootings. (Credit: a screenshot of video from Erie News Now)

William Hall, the superintendent of the Millcreek School district, didn’t want to get everyone’s hopes up too high and said,

“We’re not just going to go hide.” The 18-inch wood bats are also meant to be “symbolic, to remind people that the old policy of simply turning off the lights, shutting the door and hiding, is not enough..” Now, he says,“one option is fighting back. They are no match, of course, for a gunman toting a semiautomatic weapon.”

Even so, Mr. Hall said, “I think a bat could disarm a pistol with a nice swing.”

(I passed out for 20 minutes after reading that last part).

What say you? Turning off the lights is not a strong enough deterrent to bullets zipping around at 3,000 feet per second? And a magic, symbolic bat to beat back the real, non-symbolic bullets may be the right defense?

Well, on top of thinking that Willy Hall is a symbolic ignoramus, apparently this is what a generation raised on 50 years of Sgt. Rock and Archie comic books brings to the party.

Don’t restrict weapons – give a teacher a bat? Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?

New 2018 Pennsylvania School Shooting Policy Strategy:

A school shooter will mistakenly think, Sally, a 5th grader, sneaking up real close to him, carrying a miniature baseball bat, is just on her way to miniature baseball practice and poses no threat. While the shooter is preoccupied killing everyone else in the room Sally is able to lay the shitheel out with a real old-fashioned ass-whipping.

OK, good to know, I will be removing my child from that school. Stupid should not be part of the curriculum.

Mr. Hall, not content to be knee deep in stupid, went full belly-flop and said,

“The bats are meant to be used only during a “hard lockdown situation and are locked up in the district’s buildings and classrooms so they don’t fall into the wrong hands.”

(At this point I passed out again).

Let me get this straight: They wisely lockdown these magic, bullet-defying, miniature baseball bats – but don’t lockdown the regular, non-weapons grade, baseball bats used in gym class?

Here’s todays homework kids – please write neatly and put your name in the upper right hand corner:

Billy’s country locked down all the actual weapons.

Jimmy’s country gave everybody magic baseball bats and rocks.

Who dies next week, Jimmy or Billy?

Is it just me or does this all smell like a huge, reeking pile of dumbass?

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Trevor Stone Irvin

Trevor Stone Irvin

Illustrator and Designer living in the Candler Park area...At one time I worked at the Atlanta Constitution and then for CNN at the startup...it all seemed too much like real work so I went freelance...which my father defined as "being unemployed for a real long time".