A Pennsylvania school has taken great steps in implementing a safety policy for mass school shootings.

The solution is to supply the teachers and students with weapons capable of repelling the onslaught of a shooter wielding an automatic weapon. Match firepower with firepower you say? Not quite. Each classroom will be supplied with a 5 gallon bucket filled with rocks … yes, rocks. These deadly rocks will be used to bring down any maniac with an AR-15 that happens by, spitting lead, at about 2 rounds per second.

How does this work? Mrs. McWissenhimer, the 4th grade teacher, passes out rocks to the students one by one, whispering, “Bobby, you have the best arm, get out in the hallway and take that sonufabitch out.” While crawling out the window, she yells to the class, “If Bobby goes down, send out big Sarah to take a run at him-good luck!”

Yes, folks we’ve brought back the most bizarre form of defensive “stoning” since David and Goliath.

I can only assume that school budgets will increase so students and faculty will receive the appropriate number of hours of rock tossin’ training – as accuracy will be critical. If really stretched, the budget for science books could instead be used for the installation of vats of boiling oil on the roof above every entrance to delay shooters– Yes, we’ll try anything, anything but take his fuckin’ gun away, noooo, we don’t want to do that.

Up until now a student’s only defense has been to grab the odd microscope or black board eraser to heave, willy-nilly, at marauding shooters in order to defend themselves – As anyone can see, that is purely an act of desperation. But a five gallon bucket of rocks, well now, that’s a sure-fire, well-crafted, defense strategy guaran-damn-teed to save lives.

Little Jimmy can stop sweatin’ now – cuz’ all it takes to stop a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a rock.

There is an old saying: Never bring a knife to a gunfight – I’m going to include rocks in that strategy as well.

If rock throwing was an effective deterrent to automatic weapons fire – the NRA would stand for the National Rock Association and Bass Pro Shops would have a whole line of high caliber rocks for sale.

Hey, here’s an idea – lets equip every child and teacher with Hollywood, movie-style, blood packets. At the first sign of trouble every student and faculty member would explode their blood packets, flop over, and play dead where they sat … the shooter, walking through the school would assume that another shooter had already beat him to it and move on to the local Starbucks in frustration. Yes, blood stains all over your good school clothes is a high price to pay, but at least everyone is still alive. (See, doesn’t that sound stupid? – Yes it does, because it is).

To add a dose of ignorant to stupid- Former GOP Pennsylvania senator and presidential candidate Rick Santorum said Sunday that the protesting students should respond to the massacre of their classmates by “taking CPR classes” instead of “looking to someone else to solve their problem.” Really? A CPR class is gonna solve this problem?

I read Santorum’s comment to say “Fuck all you kids, Congress ain’t gonna do shit for you, but your whiny ass needs to learn CPR.” It doesn’t get more ignorant and condescending than that.

Is this really what is seen as reasonable in today’s America?

We give a child a rock to defend its life against a gun? We suggest that learning CPR to keep classmates alive while being shot at – is a solution? This what masquerades as reason in America today? Does this makes any sense at all? Forget home ownership, forget affordable health care — is the American Dream now simply to survive high school in the most violent western society on earth?

I thought school was to teach biology, history or trigonometry – The curriculum is now Absurd Strategies in Death Avoidance.

If you think that this is reasonable – I have a bucket full of rocks with your name on it.

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The feature illustration of the Grim Reaper was created by the author,  © Trevor Stone Irvin.
Trevor Stone Irvin

Trevor Stone Irvin

Illustrator and Designer living in the Candler Park area...At one time I worked at the Atlanta Constitution and then for CNN at the startup...it all seemed too much like real work so I went freelance...which my father defined as "being unemployed for a real long time".