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Trump Eases Testicle-Removal Regulations to Put Castratos Back To Work
President Donald Trump kept his campaign vow to put more Americans back to work by signing an executive order Wednesday that will ease government regulations against the surgical removal of testicles and revive the long-languishing castrato industry in this country.
“C’mon, fellas, you know what this is, you know what this says,” Trump said during a signing ceremony at the White House where he was flanked on stage by unemployed males with low-pitched vocal ranges. “You’re going back to work!”
The president joked: “Don’t give me a high-five. Come back in a few weeks and give me a high C!”
According to labor statistics, thousands of potential castratos are out of work in the Rust Belt states Trump carried to win the presidential election. While the castrato job has its difficult aspects, not unlike coal mining, it is putting America back to work, said Republicans.
“Just because you can trill, it’s not always a thrill,” quipped Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell.
A castrato is a male whose testicles have been removed so he can sing in a high pitch like Justin Timberlake.
“Justin Timberlake is huge,” Trump told reporters afterwards.
A spokesman for Timberlake said he isn’t a castrato, he just sounds like one.
GOP analysts boasted that Trump once again has shown his unerring instinct for striking a chord with the working class GOP base, not unlike his announcement Tuesday that he is rolling back environmental regulations to put miners back to work even though it will destroy the air and water for everybody on earth.
“This is even better than the coal mine executive order,” said White House Spokesman Sean Spicer. “They both require a few sacrifices, but this time the sacrifices are small – and some are smaller than others.”
In fact, recordings of Trump rallies – when supporters can be heard shrilly screaming “lock her up” – are proof many of Trump voters could already pass for those with surgically removed testicles, said Ted Bingham, a GOP consultant.
“There’s a huge, pent-up, castrato base in the GOP,” said Bingham. “For Trump to tap in, all it will take is a little fine-tuning.”
Democrats refused to comment on the executive order, except to say the chorus of GOP support for the measure isn’t a choir they’d like to join.
At press time it was not clear whether the procedure will be covered under the Affordable Care Act – otherwise known as Obamacare – but Democratic House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi said “if there is a prohibition against coverage for the procedure, we’ll be happy to waive it.”
Nor is it clear exactly what kind of jobs await castratos, who once made their living singing opera. But Arther Clingman, an out-of-work VHS repairman and Trump Supporter in Lansing, Michigan, said he’d probably give it a shot.
“What have I got to lose?” he said.
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