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Trump Targets Aliens at Area 51
In a series of tweets and Fox News interviews, President Donald Trump on Thursday vowed to deport Area 51 aliens and answer scores of questions that have plagued the minds of millions who voted for him.
“The people have a right to know, and I’m going to tell them,” Trump tweeted. “I’ve ordered the FBI to send me all of their X-Files.”
At an afternoon press conference in Roswell, New Mexico, before a crowd estimated by the White House to exceed fourteen million while aerial photos indicated it was closer to 14 and six prairie dogs, Trump said he knows about the aliens housed at Area 51, where they have lived, at taxpayers’ expense, for decades.
“They came here illegally, have never been vetted and been living on welfare, so I’m ordering every agency to pursue deportation of these big-eyed intruders,” said Trump. “We’ve got to get rid of freeloading aliens.”
Trump also said he’s concerned about the ramifications from the previous visits.
“I know the ancient astronauts built the pyramids,” said Trump. “They came here uninvited, and took jobs away from hard working Egyptians who were known for their rock carrying and ability to endure the lash, and now we have these big piles of rocks like the pyramids that no one knows what to do with. We’re talking to Egyptian authorities about purchasing the pyramids and reusing the rocks to build the wall.”
The president also pointed out the “hidden agenda” of crop circles.
“These are obviously terrorist attacks on the grain industry,” said Trump. “If we have to water-board somebody to get to the bottom of crop circles, so be it.”
The president was adamant about “getting the truth about all this science and NASA stuff, which has been inflicted on the public by a bias liberal media.”
When asked about funding for NASA and science, Trump said it was clear what course to take.
“Did we land on the moon, or was it just wasteful spending on a movie set in a warehouse in Nevada owned by the Clinton Foundation?” Trump said. “How much did the government pay these guys to say they walked on the moon? I’m in favor of space exploration, I look at the moon all the time, but we have to know what we’re paying for.”
Trump also pointed out the pictures from space prove “absolutely nothing.”
“Those reported pictures of Earth show only one angle, which means the Flat Earth Society may be right,” said Trump. “I’m considering granting them tax-exempt status.”
Science studying global warming and weather also raised the ire of the president.
“The global warming sham is disgusting! So what if it gets warmer,” said Trump. “We all love warm weather, look at all the old people who move to Florida. We need more places for them to move, and if we had warmer weather all the time, think what a boon to the economy of the northern states it would be.”
Trump noted government needed to stay out of the weather business.
“I watch the weather, and half the time the forecast is wrong,” said Trump. “If it were not for the gals in their sweaters, I’d order the Weather Channel shut down.”
As for his attack on science education, Trump was clear he was not railing against any specific course of study.
“We just have to be smart in what we’re allowing schools to teach,” said Trump. “Why study dinosaur bones, ancient archeological sites or teach people to read hieroglyphics? When was the last time an out-of-work steel worker had to write in hieroglyphics on his job application?”
Addressing the search for Sasquatch and the Loch Ness Monster, Trump said he was determined to get to the facts.
“I want facts on these creatures, not fake facts but real facts,” said Trump. “If Nessie is there we need to know if there’s any way it can be bred to help the seafood industry. As for Sasquatch, I’m holding a cabinet post open just in case.”
- Editor's Note: This story is a work of satire. Perhaps those who hold strong opinions from the right about "fake news" might appreciate this definition from Google:
sat·ire /ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/ Noun The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Synonyms: mockery, ridicule, derision, scorn, caricature; irony, sarcasm Origin: early 16th century: from French, or from Latin satira, later form of satura ‘poetic medley.’Image Credit: Image Credit: The image featured in this story is a composite image created by LikeTheDew.com from a Donald Trump caricature is by DonkeyHotey (via Flickr and used under a Creative Commons license) and a background image of Area 51 is by |Dusk| (also via Flickr and used under a Creative Commons license).