Fair Warning to the Rest of the Country
Atlanta, Georgia will be closed on Monday, February 6th. I would suggest any plans you may have for doing business with anyone in Atlanta on February 6 be postponed until later in the week – or maybe until the following week. All regular human activity will come to a standstill, no business will get done and hardly anybody will even be at work on Monday. You’d think that Atlanta had a full inch of snow on the ground.
No, Monday is not an official Federal holiday – it’s better; it’s the day after the Super Bowl in which the Atlanta Falcons play some dumb NFL team from New England…and as long as we’re playing, we plan on winning the thing. An Atlanta victory on Sunday will put us in a very …er, huh, ‘festive’ mood and if there is one thing we know how to do in this town, it is be ‘festive’ – i.e. PARTY (‘party’ being a verb). We long-suffering Atlanta fans have been ‘itchin’ to throw a Super Bowl Victory Party for 51 years now and we are NOT to be denied.
Atlantans love football – especially pro football. We LOVE IT. And while from time to time Atlantans may argue and fight among ourselves over matters of race, rush hour traffic, whether or not to ‘Save the Fox’ (Theatre) and why we even need Daylight Savings Time in the first place, nothing unites Atlantans more than our collective hatred for the New Orleans Aints or our love for the Atlanta Falcons…as long as the Falcons are winning.
This year they’re winning – BIGLY.
Some folks have been preparing for this blessed event as if it were New Year’s Eve Eve. For example, on Saturday, the lines at one local liquor store were so long they stretched to the horizon. Almost everyone I know has got ribs marinating in beer and beer marinating on ice for the obligatory drunken victory tailgate party which will start Sunday night and likely go on for days. (For you non-Atlantans, there is actually a long-standing local legal statute that even REQUIRES us, in the event of Super Bowl victory to party like there’s no tomorrow.) I have it on good authority that the local gun shops have had a run on bullets to be used for ‘spontaneous’ celebratory gunfire after the game. The Police Department has already warned people about driving drunk though they’ve said little to nothing about walking drunk or even crawling drunk which I’m sure there will be a lot of Atlantans doing after Sunday’s victory, taking advantage of that that legal loophole. There was also a rumor going around this morning that there had been a few Delta pilots who’d been seen practicing barrel rolls, Immelmans and Figure 8’s with 747’s in anticipation of a Falcon win. (Admittedly this could have been fake news, but then again the Championship drought has been so long around here that folks are liable to do anything in celebration.) One thing you can definitely count on is a plethora of babies born exactly nine-months from Sunday night, all of whom have the first name ‘Julio’ or “Matt” – even the girl babies. Yep, we know how to party-hearty in this burg, and since a Super Bowl Victory has been long time coming, if you watch the festivities on the inevitable nightly national news report we will be ‘gettin’ down., as they say. You might think either Jesus has come back to take over the Earth or Obama has come back to take over the White House.
So the bottom-line is this: any business that you have in Atlanta that didn’t get done this past Friday, definitely won’t get done on Monday. Say, if you call an Atlanta-based customer service call center on Monday, be prepared to be on hold a rather loooooong time. If you are planning on making a connecting flight in Atlanta on Monday, you might want to have a back-up plan.
Lastly, on the off-chance we might lose the Super Bowl, don’t even think about calling one of us. WE WILL NOT be in good mood to talk, work, or do anything besides drink. In the event of a loss on Sunday, if you call one of us on the phone, you will be hung up on. More than likely you will get cussed out. So, in the words of a Greek philosopher, whose name I can’t currently recall; “Don’t you be calling over here to Atlanta on Monday and expecting to get anybody or anything done. IT AIN’T HAPPENING!
Don’t hold it against us. We’re nice folks. We just take our football very seriously. Win or lose we will ultimately be ok. It’s just going to take us a few days.
You’ve been warned. GO FALCONS!
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