make america ache again

Caricature of the American Bird of Prey - The Turkey Vulture Capitalist by DonkeyHotey

Amid rising concerns among millions of jobless, destitute and desperately angry white males that he is about to cave to political pressure, President-elect Donald Trump reassured his supporters Monday that he still plans to destroy every last vestige of their health care.

“Everybody who voted for me is not going to have to mess with going to the doctor, I guarantee you!” Trump tweeted from the Trump Tower during a break in an afternoon meeting with Russian officials helping him craft his inaugural address.

“My NoBamaCare will be the greatest!” tweeted Trump. “It even includes your dental care. If you like the bad teeth you’ve got, you get to keep the bad teeth you’ve got.”

Trump’s NoBamaCare initiative was greeting with a standing ovation by Republicans in the House who have been struggling with how to destroy the American health care system within Trump’s first 100 days in office and put as many sick and contagious people on the streets as possible.

“Democrats hate to admit it, but elections have consequences,” boasted House Speaker Paul Ryan. “From now on if some homeless guy with tuberculosis sneezes on a subway in New York City you better believe he means business.”

Angry white male Rust Belt voters whose support is credited with winning the election for Trump hooted it up in trailer parks throughout Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania.

“Government isn’t supposed to make money on people being sick,” said unemployed Ypsilanti, Mich., autoworker and Tea Party activist Ed Bartlow “Insurance companies are! Lock her up!”

Peter Walker, an unemployed machinist in Racine Wisconsin, said “It’s pretty simple. With Obamacare you couldn’t keep your own doctor even if you wanted. Now, with NoBamaCare, the government can’t tell you what doctor not to have. That’s called freedom, buddy.”

Some moderate Senate Republicans suggested that there should be some system in place when Obamacare is repealed. One plan includes duct tape clinics for people with broken limbs.

“But those would be privatized!” Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell said during a hastily called afternoon press conference to respond to rumors about the clinics. “Some kind of voucher duct tape system, we’re working on it.”

McConnell said there’s also a Senate Gorilla Glue plan for people losing their teeth, and that, too would be privatized.

“It’s a way to keep prices down,” he said. “This way you can pick the teeth you want to keep, like the ones in the back other people can’t see when you smile, who cares? Why waste money gluing them back in?”

House Democratic Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said the repeal of Obamacare would raise the mortality rate in the country as millions of sick people will go undiagnosed and untreated because they can’t afford private health care insurance.

“The Democrats are just sore losers,” Trump tweeted. “The sick and the dead are not going to Make American Great Again! Sad!”

Image: Caricature of the American Bird of Prey - The Turkey Vulture Capitalist by DonkeyHotey via flickr and used under a Creative Commons license.
Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott is a former staff reporter for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution where, over the course of 24 years, he covered two of the biggest trials in the city's history -- the racketeering trial of former mayor Bill Campbell, and the trial of courthouse shooter, Brian Nichols -- and wrote features on travel, food, politics, movies, TV and advertising, and covered breaking news on the metro desk. He left the paper two years ago and is living, quite happily, in St. Petersburg, Fla., as a freelance writer.