It’s long been said that if you want a friend in Washington, adopt a dog.
President-elect Trump does not have a pet, other than his ex-wives, but reports by a Trump consultant indicated he may be changing his mind on having a national pet.
While presidents in the past have had all manner of pets, ranging from dogs to goats, because of Trump’s noted short attention span and indifference to details and facts, there are worries that a White House pet could be neglected.
“We would be much more comfortable if Mr. Trump would just amuse himself with a game of Mr. Potato Head,” said a spokesman for the ASPCA.
A high level administration official, who spoke on conditions of secrecy because that is the standard operating procedure being established by the new cabinet, said Trump is seriously considering a pet.
“He’s thinking about a Komodo dragon lizard because he says it reminds him of his business acumen, but he’s also considering a tarantula,” said the source. “I think he plans to name it Hillary.”
The ASPCA immediately issued a statement noting the name was inappropriate and not in keeping with the characteristics of a tarantula.
“We believe a more appropriate name would be after someone from his proposed cabinet or a close advisor, like Newt Gingrich,” said an ASPCA spokesperson.
Trump, who owns a number of high profile golf course, many of which support a wide range of wildlife, is also reportedly looking at bringing in an alligator from one of his Florida courses.
“This could be an ideal pet, as well as serving a useful purpose when the White House invites enemies of the state to visit, such as reporters, Democrats and a few Republicans,” said the White House source. “The difficulty may be in moving the creature to the south lawn, especially if we can’t use illegal immigrants for labor.”
The fact a pet will often exhibit a look or take on the personality of its owner has been especially troubling in considering a companion animal for the president-elect.
“There are just not that many animals with orange hair,” said the source, “and a baboon is out of the question because it could create an identity crisis. If we get an animal that takes on the personality of President Trump, the howling will keep all of Washington awake at night.”
Plans for Trump to contact Yerkes Primate Center to check on the availability of a baby ape as a pet were quickly dashed by several members of his cabinet, citing the disharmony it could bring to the administration.
The source went on to say that, “All manner of apes are out because it would offend the evangelical vote who would see the juxtaposition of Trump and a silver back in the White House and the truth of evolution would be inescapable,” said the source. “Just being near an ape could cause our new Director of Housing and Urban Development to go into apoplexy.”
The idea of a traditional pet, such as a dog or cat, has also been scratched off the list.
“A dog is supposed to be man’s best friend, so finding one that would cuddle with President-elect Trump could be a problem,” said the source. “And we certainly don’t want a cat, because we don’t want a picture in the papers of Present Trump grabbing a, uh, cat,” said the source.
Odds makers in Las Vegas have made it 6-1 that the White House pet will be a goldfish.
“If Mr. Trump gets angry at the fish, he can just swallow it,” said Bennie “The Big Book” Berellie.