Trump Tower, USA – In what insiders call a “tweak” to his campaign pledge to build a border wall to keep Mexicans from sneaking into America, president elect Donald Trump plans to move the wall to the Canadian border – to keep terrified Americans from getting out.
“It’s a testament to the power of his presidency,” said a Trump source. “He believes so strongly in our Democracy he wants to build a wall to keep it intact because, after all, isn’t Democracy government by the people?
“So, if everybody is running like hell, there goes the f-in Democracy, right?”
Trump’s decision was partially driven by a recent internal poll that found there’s no longer a need to build the southern border wall because “not even Mexicans want to come to America anymore,” said a Trump Tower source.
“Eighty-seven percent of Mexicans said they would rather live in East Germany before they tore down the wall,” said the source. “The other 13 percent preferred Albania.”
There’s also anecdotal evidence that 47,314,229 million Americans are stockpiling food, fuel, water and yoga pants and planning to load up rented U-hauls to make a run for the Canadian border before the Jan. 20 inauguration.
“After the election, when Republicans repeal Obamacare, we figure traffic through Canadian check points will back up to Tennessee,” said a Trump source. “And, no matter how bad it gets, nobody wants to be stuck in Tennessee.”
The size of the American exodus is hard to measure, said Vladimir Vilichmyitch, head of the Department of Pogrom Dynamics at the University of Minsk.
“Our satellite photos show massive migrations to your northern border. What’s not clear is whether it’s moose or liberals.”
The logistics of the plan are still being worked out, said a Trump transition team source.
“The wall may have to be even higher on the Canadian border to keep Americans in because a lot of these are millennial rock-climber types who are just now figuring out they were idiots for voting for Jill Stein.”
Trump plans to fund the wall with the money he saves by abolishing the Environmental Protection Agency, and build it with the labor of thousands of older white male rust-belters who voted for him because he promised to bring back jobs.
“With those guys on the build site, it may take a while,” said a source.
Trump insiders said there were early indications Trump was changing his mind about building the wall on the Southern border based on a tweet he sent shortly after being elected.
“I’m hearing billions are leaving,” he tweeted. “Billions! Sad. Move the wall!”