Phyllis Schlafly has finally made millions of people very happy … she died. It was a simple, but gratifying act. Many hoped it would have happened much sooner, but as they say, better late than never. It occurs to me that there are a few others it would be nice to see follow suit. Are you listening, Cheney?
Just one question for Phyllis, which word in Equal – Rights – Amendment do you hate so much?
Schlafly, a working woman who hated women who worked, was an expert on self-loathing. She so hated her kind that she didn’t want to stop at shredding equal rights and equal pay for women; she hoped one day to become a Jewish Nazi and send herself to a death camp where she could have all her rights and humanity exterminated.
Schlafly didn’t only hate women and their quest for equal rights, she harbored a special abhorrence for the LGBT community. This even though Schlafly’s son finally announced that he is homosexual. John F. Schlafly, who has a wee touch of self-loathing and denial himself, is a 41-year-old attorney who has lived with his parents in Alton, IL., (apparently he has moved from the closet to the basement). John Schlafly defends his mother’s politics and positions, and claims that his mother and the GOP are not “gay bashers.” Though when his mom says the true purpose of same-sex marriage was to “wipe out the Christian religion,” it’s hard to imagine what level of contempt anti-gay speech must rise to before John defines it as gay bashing. But John is a lawyer, splitting hairs and helping his mom do hers is what he does.
And actually, the purpose of gay marriage was to wipe out Phyllis Schlafly … It’s a known fact that when enough gays were able to “tie the knot” around Phyllis’s heart, it stopped.
Phyllis’s other theory was that LGBT activists actually wanted to “get rid of marriage for straight people.” OK, good point. As a straight, married person, I support eliminating marriage for straight people. Marriage is all “yes dear” and “no dear” and “no dear I didn’t pick up milk” and “I swear I did not put the cat in the dishwasher dear.” In short, marriage, straight or gay, is friggin’ exhausting and should be banned.
Little things pissed Phyllis off, like Roe vs. Wade and Justice Kennedy’s deciding vote to abolish the death penalty for minors. Yes, Phyllis was very pro-life unless you were alive.
My favorite Schlafly line was when she called Obama “an elitist who worked with words.” I mean “words” – what could be more loathsome than that? I’m told that history is filled with little elitist fuckers who liked to work with words, Thomas Jefferson, Abe Lincoln, Martin Luther King to name a few … Damn liberal trash the whole lot of them!
Phyllis was in demand as a speaker, a writer and editor; in 1970, she even ran for a House of Representatives seat in Illinois. Apparently she worked hard, and got paid to do so; she just didn’t want any other woman to have the right to do so – in today’s parlance “Bitches should be playin’ house Yo!” In 1978 Schlafly told Time magazine, “I have cancelled speeches whenever my husband thought that I had been away from home too much.” In a largely unknown story, her husband had immediately issued a frantic public statement saying, “I encourage her to make as many speeches as possible, I have no problem with her staying away as long as she wants.”
Phyllis often ranted about sodomy — what she called “a central feature of same-sex marriage” (and many other marriages for that matter) — and longed for the days when it was criminalized. I’m going to go way out on a limb and say that Phyllis’s husband was likely a sad, miserable man with many an unfulfilled fantasy. But just how bitter do you have to be to want someone incarcerated for having the fun you aren’t having? And in an additional twist of irony Phyllis wanted all sodomites in prison, which is essentially a large building where, along with shiving the jailhouse rat, sodomy is a major pastime … go figger.
Phyllis regularly spouted some pretty stupid shit – Here’s a sampling:
Phyllis claimed that “Marriage settles men down.”
In what universe have men ever “settled down” let alone due to marriage? For a thousand years men married, started wars, raped and pillaged, spit, drooled, drunk too much, smelled bad, dressed poorly, produced endless numbers of weapons, invented golf, and in general fucked everything up. Since most men marry, and cause virtually all of society’s crime and violence, I think a case can be made that marriage riles men up, not settles them down.
“By getting married, the woman has consented to sex, and I don’t think you can call it rape.”
I don’t have a comeback for this one, just stunned silence.
“The atomic bomb is a marvelous gift that was given to our country by a wise God.”
So god is an interstellar arms dealer? Good to know.
“Minors are an intended audience for the highly profitable sex industry.
OK, I agree with this one, though I would add young adults, slightly older adults, middle aged adults, old dudes, dudettes, and complete geezers are also the intended audience for the sex industry.
“homosexual clubs in high school are designed for the young.”
Isn’t everything in high school designed for the young? And there have always been homosexual clubs in high school … they’re called Glee clubs.
In an interview after her death Phyllis conceded that “Ya know, Hell isn’t so bad, it’s a dry heat and I’m really learning to like that sodomy thing.”
- Image: The fabulous illustration, "Fear and Loathing with Phyllis Schlafly" by the author, Trevor Irvin.