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not so great
It’s Always Sunny in America
Today, in his third act as President, (the first two are too embarrassing to mention) Donald Trump ended the treaty with the SunGod. He felt that others were not contributing their fair share of sacrifices to the SunGod. At today’s press conference, which was held in the complete dark due to the lack of a sun, Donald stated “America is for chumps if we are going to pay too much for sunlight! I’m not going to sacrifice one more smoking hot virgin that I could use in the Miss America pageant to some SunGod who isn’t an American. I will negotiate the best deal you ever saw with the SunGod, it will be a great deal, I do great deals.”
When asked if Hillary Clinton could have done a better job handling this international crisis Trump responded: “Hillary could never negotiate a great deal with the SunGod. Crooked Hillary would have continued to let the sun shine at no cost to anyone while Muslims and terrorists get all their sun for free. I’ve made sure that Muslims and aren’t getting any free sun anymore. I’m saving our military a ton by freezing those little fuckers to death. Furthermore I going to put the words TRUMP SUN PLAZA in enormous letters, viewable from earth, on the sun and Mexico is going to pay for it.”
The only reporter who wasn’t yet frozen asked, “But we don’t have any sun anymore and Mexico didn’t pay for your wall, what makes you think they will pay for the sun?” Trump responded in his usual – “plain spoken, speaks his mind,” kind of way — and hissed “Fuck You.”
Later, Donald’s press secretary, using a flashlight to read from a prepared script, stated that “negotiations for the SunGod are ongoing but so far there isn’t any agreement. The SunGod has not responded to our latest offer but we think he is just stalling. If you have a fireplace, now is the time to use it. We are doing all we can. At Trump University, our professor of Christian Mysticology, Ted Cruz, is looking into what, if any, spells can be cast at the sun to force it to shine. I want to stress there is an upside to all of this; global warming has come to a complete halt. Florida is at minus 78 Celsius and there is now an ice bridge from Bangor, Maine to Paris, France which should make travel to Europe much cheaper.”
When told that he had accidentally solved global warming, Trump responded, “Scientists are stupid … I want all the glaciers painted gold.”
Ivanka or Evanka or Iwanna, or whatever the name of his latest wife is, started gathering up furs from the audience saying, “Soon you vill not need theze, just cloze yors eyes.”
Then the world, and all upon it, froze to death.
- Image: Donald Trump caricature by DonkeyHotey via Flickr and used under a Creative Commons license.