satire on the campaign trail
America’s Savior is A. Tad Semple
My brother and sister Americans, let me introduce myself: my name is Arturo Tad Semple. Fearing someone might think I liked longhair classical music, or read books, or attended foreign movies, or watched PBS, or was born in Italy or France, or god forbid, Kenya, I dropped the “Arturo” years ago in favor of just a simple, less confusing “A.” I hope this information makes it easier to understand why I am known as A. Tad Semple.
I prefer it that way. It is an unique name and is easy to remember. And it fits me.
My grandmother always told me that what is sauce for the goose is batter for the rooster, and I am hereby revealing my plan to jump into the popping hot grease of the nation’s political skillet and announce my candidacy for the presidency of the United States — or “Newnited” States if you listen to Reverend Jimmy Swaggart. And who doesn’t?
Let me say up front that I don’t believe in anything that Franklin D. Roosevelt ever did as president; and I don’t believe in light beer, low-calorie cheese, global warming, songs that can’t be sung by a three-year old child, taxing rich people, Social Security, Medicare, Welfare, Medicaid, Ralph Nader, Pell grants, Michael Moore, gay puppets on TV, unemployment benefits, or remakes of John Wayne movies. Not necessarily in that order.
Speaking of movies, there damn sho’ don’t need to be all that cussin’ in movies. To a real god-fearing American there is no more sacred place than the picture show.
In fact when I’m elected, I guarantee you that the polio treatment center that FDR created at Warm Springs, Georgia, will be torn down and replaced with a bank, or a Wall Street southern annex; or at least a pay-day loan company. Something that serves the common good.
Ill health is a a punishment from God. Those struck with physical afflictions are supposed to suffer. Roosevelt interfered with God’s plan.
Or the Warm Springs Institute for Rehabilitation, as it’s called now, could be used as a holding pen for illegal aliens while they’re are waiting to be deported to Mexico, regardless of their country of origin. Roosevelt’s fascist hospital, which is nothing but a temple to communist, liberal, socialist lunacy, like every other satanic thing ol’ Frank forced on unwitting Americans, cannot stand! It is a choking stench in Uncle Sam’s nostrils.
To prevent any doubt of where I stand on the environment, let me say upfront that I believe global warming is a monumental hoax created by Al Gore and his nerdy friends. Al and his effete bunch are still angry because Al didn’t get to be president just because he won the election, as if that were a valid reason. And they came up with this global warming crap to get even. What a bunch of semi-gay sorehead whiners!
Isn’t it about time the lefties stopped crowing about Bill Clinton balancing the budget and leaving a surplus in the treasury? Obviously, Slick Willie didn’t leave enough surplus or it wouldn’t have disappeared so quickly. That alleged surplus disappeared before Dubya Bush got his second war started. Luckily, he did get the taxes cut on all his struggling millionaire and billionaire friends. Whew! That was a close one.
There’s nothing worse than having a used yacht tied up at your dock when all your friends have a new boat.
Everyone knows that Clinton was probably lying about that surplus – he was lying about everything else. He even went on television and confessed that he lied about dallying with that pudgy girl. You’ll never hear a conservative admit that he did anything wrong. Never! A true conservative regards telling the truth as a character flaw.
As a true conservative, I’ve outgrown the Tea Party and am now affiliated with the Neo-Flat Earth Society, or the NFES, also known as the Neefies. As the first Neefy elected to the presidency, A. Tad Semple promises to remove the teaching of evolution from the schools, not to mention the teaching of ovulation. Nobody needs to hear that stuff in mixed company. Our nether regions get enough attention as it is.
Moreover, I will go farther than that. I promise to remove the teaching of photosynthesis from science classes. Photosynthesis never made a lick of sense to me. I don’t believe a word of it. I’ll never believe a common weed is capable of a feat that is beyond the expertise of Monsanto or even the NASCAR Petty Racing Team.
But, my main goal is to eliminate free school lunches for poor kids. This outrage has gone on long enough. Those of us who attend $35,000 a plate political dinners know there is no such thing as a free lunch. A underprivileged child can’t learn this valuable lesson in reality soon enough. Coddling them makes them weak.
It’s high time Maw Maw and Paw Paw got off the Social Security gravy train. They can get off their wrinkled butts and go to work. I don’t want to hear that guff about all the jobs being sent to China and Pakistan, neither. There are boats leaving every day headed that way. They can get on one.
There is an answer to our nation’s problems. And it is A. Tad Semple.
- Images: This image, which has absolutely nothing to do with this story, is from a poster entitled, “Yes We Canada” from AmericaButBetter.com - the license for use is a tad unclear other than “Download here - Wallpaper a home. Tease a neighbour. Wear your support. Did you say screensaver?Embarrass your parents. Force a political conversation.” We take that as fair use, but would unabashedly take it down if they ask, but probably wouldn't if you just bought their book, America But Better: The Canada Party Manifesto, by by Chris Cannon and Brian Calvert - they say that it is, "Packed full of provocative thought pieces and delicious post-apocalyptic recipes."