satire on the campaign trail

GOP Debate Lineup BS Flatulence Emissions

Iowa City, Iowa – Climatologists swarmed into Iowa Saturday hoping to avert a cataclysmic rise in global temperatures if GOP candidates are allowed to continue traveling across the state discharging billions of cubic feet of BS into the atmosphere.

Scientists said the immense discharges of the gas during the GOP debates and early months of the campaign for president are the prime reason 2015 was the hottest, and by most measures, the most unpleasant year in the history of mankind.

“It was like being stuck in an elevator with hundreds of thousands of people passing gas,” said a spokesman for the International Conference on Climate Change. “It’s hard to breath – and you really don’t want to.”

Scientists said the virulence of the BS dwarfs other carbons released into the atmosphere in terms of its lethal impact on global temperatures.

“When Carly Fiorina opens her yap, somewhere in the sub-Sahara it gets slightly hotter, and somewhere, in some poor country already on the verge of climate catastrophe, a family edges a little closer to starvation,” said Climatologist Clifford Watchman.

“The consequences of these guys dispensing so much BS in such volume is creating a carbons emission crisis worse than all the coal plants belching smoke, and all the cattle on earth farting, in unison.”

The GOP issued a statement saying its BS is within allowable greenhouse gas levels “except for Donald Trump.” But recent polls show that 73 percent of Republicans in Iowa believe “the air has gotten pretty darn funky around here lately.”

Scientists say all the BS is having a profound psychological effect on humans.

“They’re always sniffing and thinking,‘was that me?’” said Ralph Peterson, professor of “Impact of Human Flatulence on the Human Psyche” at the University of Wisconsin.

“Soon you begin to doubt yourself, and so do your friends, if you have any left.”

President Barack Obama issued an executive order last November, first reported in likethedew (http://likethedew.com/2015/11/24/obama-orders-epa-to-reduce-republican-bs-emissions/), that the Environmental Protection Agency crack down on Republican BS (H2SO4BS419) emissions.

The order was too little, too late.

Scientists said Republicans refusal to accept climate change caused by humans has only accelerated the change because by denying it they are just adding to the already astounding volume of BS they’re pumping into the air, day and night, without relief, on every subject from gun control to health care to immigration policy.

“Climate deniers such as Ted Cruz are the ones doing the greatest damage,” said Evan Highsmith, an EPA researcher. “They’re like the guy in the elevator who cuts one and then looks around at everybody else like they did it.”

According to the EPA, as first reported in likethedew, Cruz is the single greatest BS emissions offender in the country. He generates more BS in a year than all the cattle passing gas in his home state of Texas, according to the agency.

A spokesman for the cattle industry, Home Pyle, said it’s about time the EPA set the record straight.

“Cows have been getting a bad rap for years about their flatulence,” said Pyle. “Cows can’t help it. They create gas as a natural byproduct of their very important contribution to society. But the GOP candidates produce more gas than all the herds of Guernseys on earth, for no apparent reason.”

Climatologists are at a loss of how to thwart the outpouring of GOP BS in Iowa as candidates stump the state in the closing weeks before the Feb. 1 caucuses.

When Sarah Palin took the stage last week and gave a speech endorsing Donald Trump the BS was so great that the earth heated instantly and an ice shelf broke off from the Artic and began drifting into shipping lanes and melting and raising sea levels.

“We are in crisis mode,” said Phillip Turner, a climatologist who is following GOP candidates around Iowa with a BS meter keeping track of their output. So far Ted Cruz had produced the most (200,000 cubic feet), and Dr. Ben Carson the least (7 cubic feet), but that latter figure is misleading, said Turner.

“Carson speaks so softly the BS gas often doesn’t even reach our meter, but, when you hear the words you just know it’s total BS and if you look up, on a clear day, you can see ducks literally fall out of the sky.

“When I got to his speeches, I always wear a face mask — and a helmet.”

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Image: GOP Debate Lineup BS Flatulence Emissions – A composite image created for LikeTheDew.com from the illustration of the Fox Bus/WSJ GOP Debate lineup (Left to Right John Kasich, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Donald Trump, Marco Rubio, Rand Paul and Carly Fiorina) by DonkeyHotey via flickr and used a Creative Commons license – the image was modified to create the BS Emissions by LikeTheDew.com.
Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott is a former staff reporter for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution where, over the course of 24 years, he covered two of the biggest trials in the city's history -- the racketeering trial of former mayor Bill Campbell, and the trial of courthouse shooter, Brian Nichols -- and wrote features on travel, food, politics, movies, TV and advertising, and covered breaking news on the metro desk. He left the paper two years ago and is living, quite happily, in St. Petersburg, Fla., as a freelance writer.