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    gun totin' stoopid

    Patridiot Standoff Continues

    by | 7 | Jan 15, 2016

    The-Douchbag-Patridiots

    Day 15.

    Standoff continues. Patridiots not budging, holding firm on demands of more clean underwear and Febreze. Feds yet to show up or give a damn.

    No shots were fired again today to the deep disappointment of the Yee-hadists within the Patridiot’s compound. “We are at serious risk of not being taken seriously” one Patridiot exclaimed. “Christ, they may think we’re some sort of hippie, peace-nik group if there ain’t a little blood shed soon” another one complained.

    “Now I know how Davy Crockett must have felt before any of the Mexicans showed up at the Alamo.” claimed Burfurd T. Mudflap.

    The strain of nothing happening was obviously taking a toll. The guards watching the perimeter have spent tension filled days napping and playing Chutes and Ladders. The group’s leader, Alamo Bundy, was pretty sure that nothing will happen again tomorrow. Bundy stated that they are going to meet with the locals soon “to see of any of them are willing to attack us … We’ll give them the first shot and we could even pay them to make it worth their while.”

    When this reporter asked a local enforcement officer, who was eating lunch at Denny’s, “Sir, what will your next move be?” The officer grimaced, plucked at his teeth with a toothpick, and responded “whall, I might go catch a movie, or get some groceries, I’m a tad low on milk.” When I pressured him about the non-deadly standoff he said “Oh that … They’re fine, I think some of the locals put together some care packages so they wouldn’t starve, not the brightest bunch you know.”

    Back at the Patridiot headquarters it was a hubbub of no activity. Everyone was on pins and needles, and by that I mean there was a lot of sewing and cross-stitching going on. A grizzled bear of a man, identified only by the name of “Sweet Pea” proudly showed us the embroidered pillow he just finished with the phrase “Live Free or Cry.”

    This is your reporter signing off at Malheur National Wildlife Refuge covering the largest, dullest, non-deadly, non-event in U.S. history.

     

    ###
    • Image credit: from the author, "I don’t have a credit for the photo as I stole it off some site yesterday. It was taken at the Patridiots press conference on Thursday, I think. I took it and added my bullshit to it." Note: should the copyright holder be identified LikeTheDew.com would be happy to attribute, attempt to license or take down.
    Trevor Stone Irvin

    Trevor Stone Irvin

    Illustrator and Designer living in the Candler Park area...At one time I worked at the Atlanta Constitution and then for CNN at the startup...it all seemed too much like real work so I went freelance...which my father defined as "being unemployed for a real long time".

     

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    • Ken

      Thanks Trev. Keep us informed of any non-developments please as the “event” isn’t on the international news or the non-news.

      • Trevor Irvin

        Absolutely Ken,
        Nothing is currently breaking out all over at the Patridiots compound. Early this morning there were more new developments of nothing happening. No new changes are expected this evening … possibly a delivery of clean socks on Monday … Stay tuned

    • jeffry scott

      Trevor, it takes a man of great courage to cover such a war of such rampant stupidity and bold fecklessness. David Halberstam is envious beyond the grave. Keep your head down. Supplies are on the way. You like bourbon?

      • Trevor Irvin

        Thank you Jeffry for recognizing my sacrifice, and a little bourbon would take the edge off. This is a dangerous war zone to be in and cover. I am down to a 3 day supply of Slim Jims for sustenance. My only protection are a couple of bottle rockets and a pink, Hello Kitty flak jacket. I’m hunkered down at the La Quinta and room service is spotty at best …

        I don’t often take over gubmint buildings that aren’t mine and hang out with dumbasses …but when I do I drink a lot … Stay thirsty my friends.

    • David

      You stinkin’ bum, we’ll get you yet. Signed Sweet Pea

    • Frank Povah

      Tom -- can I borrow Yeehahdists? We have ’em in Australia but we call ’em Flagwits

      • Trevor Irvin

        Tom?

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