better’n pissed on?

Angry-RepublicansA new University of Wisconsin poll found that 100 percent of Republicans are pissed off at everything.

That includes puppies and sunshine, said researchers.

“There’s just so much anger out there, so much disillusionment – I don’t know any other way to put it, but everything just pisses them off,” said Jed Williamson, the lead researcher on the poll that surveyed registered Republican voters nationwide.

Analysts said the findings, while shocking, aren’t surprising.

“If it occurred during the Obama presidency, it’s bad, according to Fox News and all the radio talk shows, so what is there to be happy about?” said GOP analyst Walker Phillips. “Sunshine and laughing babies? A cheeseburger and French fries and a chocolate milk shake?”

“Their thought is: Are you f-king kidding me!”

GOP candidates were delighted by the new poll because it shows their constant message of a failed Obama administration – in spite of tons of evidence to the contrary, such as rising employment and plunging gas prices — has hit home with a vengeance.

“Wow, this is like an all-you-can-eat buffet of wedge issues!” effused GOP presidential candidate and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who is considered, by many, an authority on all-you-can eat buffets.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz, who was in Iowa campaigning with his daughters as unpaid child labor, said he was just “tickled pink by the revelation that everything I’ve been saying about how everything in America is horrible has finally come true.”

Pollsters said the strident, angry, and reviling campaign of Donald Trump has brought a comfort to voters who feel like they can really express their revulsion at everything, up to, and including, warm apple pie and adorable kittens.

“Trees, flowers, sunshine, are all the same sh-it to me,” said Ed Talbert a concrete worker in Bogalusa, Louisiana.

“When I wake up in the morning and I see sun coming into the window it makes me sick to my stomach, makes me pissed off at every life form and every wonder of nature within the cosmos.”

“They suck!”

Flowers are what really piss off Republicans the most, said pollsters.

“You plant them and it gets warm and then they sprout and, it’s like, ‘see, there is global warming!” said Ted Ballard of Arab, Ala. “When I see a rose all I can think of is Barack Obama and I just want to puke.”

Ballard then made a gaakking sound and threw up.

Researchers asked poll respondents “What pisses you off the most,” and listed 217 things, ranging from shingles and tuberculosis and Muslims and ISIS, to Obama and a warm overcoat and ear muffs in a cold snap, and Republicans checked every box.

“Frankly, it was frustrating to us,” said researcher Williamson. “Then we thought ice cream! Everybody loves ice cream! How could ice cream possible piss them off? So we put ice cream on the list and everybody checked it. Some people checked it three times.”

In follow up interviews, researchers asked Republicans what pisses them off about ice cream.

“They said it was socialism because everybody wants some,” said Williamson.

###
Image: Frankenstein (1931) - Public domain - gif found at Necrogen Egregore
Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott is a former staff reporter for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution where, over the course of 24 years, he covered two of the biggest trials in the city's history -- the racketeering trial of former mayor Bill Campbell, and the trial of courthouse shooter, Brian Nichols -- and wrote features on travel, food, politics, movies, TV and advertising, and covered breaking news on the metro desk. He left the paper two years ago and is living, quite happily, in St. Petersburg, Fla., as a freelance writer.