Follow us: Follow us on Facebook Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Google+ Follow us on Linkedin Follow us on Tumblr Subscribe to our RSS or Atom feed
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Southern Weather Radar


Our Writers

  • Adam Peck
  • Alan Gordon
  • Alex Kearns
  • Alex Seitz-Wald
  • Alice Murray
  • Allison Korn
  • Alyssa Cagle
  • Amanda Marcotte
  • Amanda Peterson Beadle
  • Andrea Grimes
  • Andrea Lee Meyer
  • Andrew Bowen
  • Andy Brack
  • Andy Kopsa
  • Andy Miller
  • Andy Schmookler
  • Ann Marie Pace
  • Ann Woolner & Leonard Ray Teel
  • Anna Dolianitis
  • Anna Forbes and Kate Ryan
  • Annelise Thim
  • Anoni Muss
  • April Adams
  • April Moore
  • Ariel Harris
  • Armando
  • Arthur Blaustein
  • Austen Risolvato
  • Austin McMurria
  • Barry Hollander
  • Bert Roughton III
  • Beth Ostlund
  • Betsey Dahlberg
  • Bill Caton
  • Bill Hamm
  • Bill Mankin
  • Bill Montgomery
  • Bill Moyers & Michael Winship
  • Bill Phillips
  • Bill Semple
  • Bill Tush
  • Billy Howard
  • Bob Bohanan
  • Bob Pritchard
  • Booth Malone
  • Bootsie Lucas
  • Boyd Lewis
  • Brad Clayton
  • Braden Goyette For ProPublica
  • Brandon Collins
  • Brett Martin
  • Brian Randall
  • Brianna Peterson
  • Bruce Dixon
  • Bruce E. Levine
  • Burton Cox
  • Candice Dyer
  • Carl Kline
  • Carol Carter
  • Carson M. Lamb
  • Casey Hayden
  • Cathleen Hulbert
  • Center for American Progress
  • Chantille Cook
  • Charles Finn
  • Charles O. Hendrix Jr.
  • Charles Seabrook
  • Charles Walston
  • Chelsea Toledo
  • Chelsey Willis
  • Chris Bowers
  • Chris Kromm
  • Chris Wohlwend
  • Christopher Burdette
  • Chrys B. Graham
  • Chuck Collins
  • Cliff Green
  • Cody Maxwell
  • Collin Kelley
  • Craig Miller
  • Crissinda Ponder
  • Dallas Lee
  • Dan Kennedy
  • Daniel Flynn
  • Daniel K. Williams
  • Daniel Palmer
  • Danny Fulks
  • Dante Atkins
  • Darby Britto
  • Dave Cooley
  • Dave Johnson
  • Dave Pruett
  • David Bradford
  • David Evans
  • David Harris-Gershon
  • David Jenks
  • David Kyler
  • David Parker
  • David Roberts
  • David Rotenstein
  • David Swanson
  • Dean Baker
  • Deb Barshafsky
  • Debbie Houston
  • Deborah Chasteen
  • Denise Oliver Velez
  • Dennis McCarthy
  • Desiree Evans
  • Dian Cai
  • Diana
  • Diane Rooks
  • Dina Rasor
  • Dindy Yokel
  • Doc
  • Don Lively
  • Don O'Briant
  • Donnie Register
  • Door Guy
  • Doug Couch
  • Doug Cumming
  • Dr. Brian Moench
  • Dr. Dorothy Ann Boyd-Bragg
  • Dr. Nick De Bonis
  • Dr. Ravi Batra
  • E. David Ferriman
  • Earl Fisher
  • Eden Landow
  • Eileen Dight
  • Eleanor Ringel Cater
  • Elizabeth Shugg
  • Ellen Brown
  • Elliott Brack
  • Erin Kotecki Vest
  • Fatima Najiy
  • FishOutofWater
  • Francisco Silva
  • Frank Povah
  • Fred Brown
  • Frederick Palmer
  • Gadi Dechter, Michael Ettlinger
  • Gail Kiracofe
  • Gaius
  • Georgia Logothetis
  • Gib Ennis
  • Gina Williams
  • Gita M. Smith
  • Glenn Carroll
  • Glenn Overman
  • Gordon Anderson
  • Gregory C. Dixon
  • Gryphon Corpus
  • Hamp Skelton
  • Harriet Barr
  • Heather Boushey
  • Henry Dreyer
  • Henry Foresman
  • Hollis B. Ball III
  • Hugh
  • Hyde Post
  • Ian Kim
  • Ian Millhiser
  • Isabel Owen
  • Ivy Brashear
  • J.A. Myerson
  • Jack deJarnette
  • Jack Wilkinson
  • Jacklyn C. Citero
  • Jake Olzen
  • James Hataway
  • James Marc Leas
  • James N. Maples
  • Janet Ward
  • Jasmine Burnett
  • Jason Palmer
  • Jason Parker
  • Jay Thompson
  • Jaz Brisack
  • Jeff Cochran
  • Jeff Davis
  • Jeff Rayno
  • Jeff Spross
  • Jeffry Scott
  • Jennifer Hill
  • Jesse Harwell
  • Jessica Luton
  • Jim Allen
  • Jim Bentley and Jeff Nesmith
  • Jim Clark
  • Jim Cobb
  • Jim Fitzgerald
  • Jim Newell
  • Jim Stovall
  • Jim Walls
  • Jim Warren
  • Jimmy Booth
  • Jing Luo
  • Jingle Davis
  • JL Strickland
  • Joan Donovan
  • Jodi Jacobson
  • Jody Wegmueller
  • Joe Earle
  • Joe Shifalo
  • Joel Groover
  • Joey Ledford
  • John A. Tures
  • John Dembowski
  • John Hickman
  • John Hickman with Sarah Bartlett
  • John Huie
  • John M. Williams
  • John Manasso
  • John Sugg
  • John Tabellione
  • John Yow
  • Jon Sinton
  • Jonathan Grant
  • Jonathan Odell
  • Joni Hunnicutt
  • Jonna Pattillo
  • Joseph B. Atkins
  • Joseph Gatins
  • Josh Dorner
  • Josh Sewell
  • Joy Moses
  • Judith Stough
  • Judy McCarthy
  • Juli Ward
  • Julian Bond
  • Julian Riggs Smith
  • Julianne Wyrick
  • Julie Ajinkya
  • Julie Puckett Fodera
  • Just Plain Will
  • Kaili Joy Gray
  • Kate Greer
  • Kate McNally
  • Katherine A. Edmonds
  • Kathleen Brewin Lewis
  • Kathleen Harbin
  • Kathleen R. Gegan
  • Kathryn Hoffman
  • KC Wildmoon
  • Keith Graham
  • Ken Edelstein
  • Ken Haldin
  • Ken Hawkins
  • Ken Peacock
  • Kevin Austin
  • Kevin Duffy
  • Kip Burke
  • Kirk McAlpin
  • Kirsten Barr
  • Kos Moulitsas
  • Kristie Macrakis
  • Lacey Avery
  • Lamont Cranston
  • Laura Clawson
  • Laura Smith
  • Laurence Lewis
  • Lawrence S. Wittner
  • Lee Leslie
  • Lee Robin
  • Leon Galis
  • Leonce Gaiter
  • Les Eatwell
  • LikeTheDew
  • Linda Hunt Beckman
  • Linda Jordan Tucker
  • Lisa Byerley Gary
  • Lisa Kerr
  • Lois Beckett, Propublica
  • Lorraine Berry
  • Louie Crew Clay
  • Louis Mayeux
  • Lovell Jones, Ph.D.
  • Lucy Emerson Sullivan
  • Lucy Guest
  • Maggie Lee
  • Maisha White
  • Mandy Richburg Rivers
  • Margi Ness
  • Marian Wang, ProPublica
  • Marie Diamond
  • Mark Dohle
  • Mark Johnson
  • Mark Sumner
  • Martha W. Fagan
  • Mary Civille
  • Mary Elizabeth King
  • Mary Kay Andrews
  • Mary Lee
  • Mary Willis Cantrell
  • Matt Blakely
  • Matt Johnson
  • Matt Musick
  • Matt Renner
  • Matthew Wright
  • Maurice Carter
  • Meg Livergood Gerrish
  • Meghan Miller
  • Melanie Rochat
  • Melinda Ennis
  • Michael Bailey
  • Michael Beckel
  • Michael Castengera
  • Michael Ettlinger
  • Michael J. Solender
  • Michael Linden
  • Michael Lux
  • Michael W. Twitty
  • Mike ”Hunter” Lazzaro
  • Mike Copeland
  • Mike Cox
  • Mike Handley
  • Mike Lofgren
  • Mike Ludwig
  • Mike Williams
  • Mimi Skelton
  • Moni Basu
  • Monica Smith
  • Murray Browne
  • Myra Blackmon
  • Nancy Melton
  • Nancy Puckett
  • Nancy Robinson
  • Nancy Rogers
  • Neill Herring
  • Nelly McDaid
  • Nikki Gardner
  • Niles Reddick
  • Noel Holston
  • Occupy Wall Street
  • Overman & Senn
  • Pamela Sumners
  • Pat Garofalo
  • Pat LaMarche
  • Pat Norman
  • Patrick Andendall
  • Patrick L. Ledford
  • Patsy Dickey
  • Patti Ghezzi
  • Paul Buchheit
  • Paul Krupin
  • Paul Rutledge
  • Paul Thim
  • Pete & Jack
  • Peter Crawford
  • Peter Turnbull
  • Phil Gast
  • Phil Noble
  • Philip Graitcer
  • Phyllis Alesia Perry
  • Phyllis Gilbert
  • Piney Woods Pete
  • Polly
  • R S
  • R.L. Miller
  • Rafael Alvarez
  • Randy Conway
  • Randy Schiltz
  • Ray Bearfield
  • Raymond L. Atkins
  • Reagan Walker
  • Rebecca Sive
  • Ric Latarski
  • Richard Eisel
  • Righton C. Willis
  • Rob Chambers
  • Rob Coppock
  • Rob Douthit
  • Robert Dardenne
  • Robert E Hunt Jr
  • Robert Jensen
  • Robert Lamb
  • Robert M. Williams, Jr.
  • Robert Mashburn
  • Robert Weiner & Richard Mann
  • Robin Marty
  • Rodney Adams
  • Roger Gregory
  • Ron Feinberg
  • Ron Taylor
  • Rose Aguilar
  • Rose Weaver
  • Rosemary Griggs
  • Russ Wellen
  • Sam Morton
  • Sao Magnifico
  • Sara Amis
  • Sarah Ayres
  • Sarah Bufkin
  • Saralyn Chesnut
  • Scott Anna
  • Scott Borchert
  • Scott Keyes
  • Scott Wooledge
  • Sean Manion
  • Seth Cline
  • Shane Gilreath
  • Sharon M. Riley
  • Shay Dawkins
  • Sheffield Hale
  • Sheila Barnard Nungesser
  • Sigrid Sanders
  • SoniaTai
  • Sonya Collins
  • Soraya Chemaly
  • Spencer Lawton
  • Stephanie Taylor
  • Stephen Lacey
  • Stephen Wing
  • Steve King
  • Steve Krodman
  • Steve Valk
  • Stuart Liss
  • Sue Sturgis
  • Sujigu
  • Susan De Bonis
  • Susan Soper
  • Susan Wilson
  • Suz Korbel
  • Tammy Andrews
  • Tammy Ingram
  • Tanya Somanader
  • Ted Kooser
  • Terri Evans
  • The Barnacle Goose
  • Thomas A. Bledsoe
  • Tiger Liliuokalani
  • Tim Oliver
  • Timothy Freeman
  • Timothy Hurst
  • Tom Baxter
  • Tom Crawford
  • Tom Ferguson
  • Tom Millsop
  • Tom Poland
  • Tom Walker
  • Travis Waldron
  • Travis Waldron & Pat Garofalo
  • Trevor Stone Irvin
  • Tricia Collins
  • Troubadour
  • Valerie Evans
  • Viveca Novak
  • Waldron, Somanader & Garofalo
  • Walter Rhett
  • Wanda Argersinger
  • Wayne Countryman
  • Wayne Johnson
  • We The People
  • Will Cantrell
  • Will Nelson
  • William Cotter
  • William Hedgepeth
  • Yana Kunichoff
  • Yasmin Vafa
  • Zack Beauchamp
  • Zack Ford
  • Zaid Jilani
  • Zaina Budayr




  • Writer Login


    Like the Dew?

    We are non-commercial, all volunteer and supported by our readers. Please help sustain the Dew by making a donation.

    the great equalizer

    The Preparation

    by | 4 | Dec 27, 2015

    Toliet Paper by Ken Peacock

    The Boy Scouts motto of “Be Prepared” was drilled into me as a kid – “Be prepared in Mind” and “Be prepared in Body”. I never forgot that instruction as it followed me around the world. In German-speaking countries I was told “Allzeit Bereit”, in France “Toujours Pret”, in Italy “Sii Preparato” and in Spain “Siempre Listo.” But the one that was easiest for me to remember was “Always keep your ass covered”.

    As I get older “Be Prepared” and “Keep your ass covered” has taken on a new meaning. After a recent consultation with the doctor I was handed a brochure that started out: Preparing for your procedure. Your doctor wants to examine your large intestine. This is a simple process, but first your bowel must be totally clean so the doctor can see clearly. After I read that little opener I thought: “What? The doctor wants to look up my ass! While it may fit with being prepared in mind and body, it doesn’t fit with keeping my ass covered.” They now had my attention so I read on. The preparation involved starting a “low residue diet” three days before the “procedure”, and avoiding anything that contained nuts. That meant I couldn’t watch the Republican Candidates’ debate. A long table listed (in red) high fiber food and drinks to avoid, including baked beans, grapes and all other fruit and food with skins or seeds. The table had a shorter list of food and drink that was “allowed”, white rice, fish, eggs, lean beef, tofu, clear soup, coffee and clear strained fruit juice. I thought I could find something there to eat and drink for three days. For the clear juice I selected the Arneis, a fine grape juice from the Cuneo Province in Piedmont, Italy. Arneis, full-bodied and dry with a hint of pears and apricots, is best consumed as an aperitif to stimulate the appetite. It was perfect for my preparation.

    On the day before the procedure the instructions allowed breakfast and then “only clear fluids until instructed” which meant “after the procedure.” For the clear fluids I chose a Sancerre from the left bank of the Loire because it was clear and well balanced, not like some of the Presidential candidates from the right. Following the instructions I mixed sachets A and B in a jug of water then prepared two cups of clear fluids. At 4pm I started consuming the preparation and the clear fluids. The idea was for the preparation to promote frequent exercise, mostly running, which apparently is to enable the doctor to see clearly. The brochure explained the process: This solution is designed to give you watery diarrhea. Your bowel motions become clearer and clean and will eventually look like urine, yellow water or beer. Please check the bowl to see whether this is happening. I didn’t have to wait long.

    When I first looked into the bowl I thought about the election, the debates and myriad of candidates. There was a similarity between their preparation and mine so I decided the debates could be replaced by a mandatory colonoscopy for every candidate. This would ensure they were all clear in mind and body and looking in the bowl would confirm what they said to the voters was clear. If it wasn’t like yellow water or beer they would need more preparation.

    When I arrived at the hospital, on the morning of the procedure, I was asked to produce identification and a credit card to prove I was who I said I was and could pay the fees. I thought what crazy fool would try to impersonate someone about to have a camera poked up his ass. We went over the many forms I had completed a week earlier to make sure I had ticked every box and answered the questions. I was weighed and my height measured, even though it was on the form, so I asked why that was important if the doctor had performed a colonoscopy before. They asked if I knew what procedure I was to have done that day. Apparently “the doctor wants to look up my ass” wasn’t the correct answer. Nor was: “If you don’t know then I am in the wrong place.” The final question was: “When did you last eat, drink or go to the bathroom?” I told them about 24 hours ago for the food, 2 hours for the clear fluids and 20 seconds for the bathroom. After reading and signing the form I was asked why I had not filled in the name of the person who held my power of attorney. I replied: “Because if I don’t get out of here no one is paying the hospital fees!” I wanted them to feel a little pressure.

    After navigating the trick questions they let me pass the admitting desk and go to a bed behind a curtain to take off my clothes and put on a white gown with ties at the back. The gown wasn’t consistent with my philosophy of keeping my ass covered. I was prepared internally but externally exposed so climbed under the sheet and waited for their next move. It wasn’t long before a cheerful nurse pulled back the curtains and asked the same questions as the admissions desk. She checked the band on my wrist and asked my name, date of birth, what procedure I was scheduled to have and the name of my doctor. I was correct on three out of four but passed the test. Over the next 1½ hours two other persons in blue gowns came in, checked my wrist band and asked the same questions. They wanted to make sure I wasn’t the hip replacement patient.

    Finally, someone arrived to push the bed down the corridor and into into a small room where I was greeted by four happy people wearing blue gowns. They rolled me onto my side, removed the sheet, opened the gown at the back, attached several monitoring devices, fixed an oxygen mask to my face and inserted a needle into my arm. In this position they asked me one more time for my name, date of birth and what procedure I as having today. I truthfully answered all the questions. The anesthetist asked why I was having a colonoscopy and I said I was thinking of running for President but after I looked in the bowl I changed my mind. I proceeded to tell them why all political candidates should have a colonoscopy when he said breathe deeply and count to ten.

    ###
    • Photo by the author, Ken Peacock.
    Ken Peacock

    Ken Peacock

    Ken Peacock, a former senior Australian executive of a mining company, first visited China in 1972 at the end of the Cultural Revolution and before diplomatic recognition by the Australian and US Governments. This was the first of many visits to China during the 1970s and 1980s. In 1978, he traveled throughout China with a trade delegation and revisited Shanghai where he stayed at the Shanghai Mansions Hotel and discovered the “Last Bottle of Gin in China”.

     

    Print Friendly, PDF & Email

     

    • David

      What a hoot. I’ll have to ask Trevor if he’s had his colonoscopy yet. Bet he has not.

      • Trevor Irvin

        As usual you’d be wrong Dave … But I’ll cut your single digit I.Q. some slack. During my deeply unpleasant “cleanse” I saw things I’d lost in 1969. During the procedure I wept softly as I was no longer a virgin.

        Ken, these are very painful memories for me that should be suppressed at all cost. Please try to write about happy, fun things from now on -- more unicorns and rainbows, less lower bowel procedures.
        Regards,
        T

        • Ken

          Trevor
          Happiness is when you look in the bowl and it is yellow water or beer, and when the doctor says “it is all clear”. This is not the first time for me.

      • Ken

        Thank you. It wasn’t a crystal ball so I couldn’t see the future. It was a porcelain bowl so I only saw the past.

  • Worthy of Comment






  • Health Care: U.S. vs. Canada



  • 'L-G-B-T' - James Corden
    Sings for Transgender Troops



  • "The Elections Are Rigged" Arnold Schwarzenegger On Trump, Congress, Gerrymandering

     

  •  
     
     
  • Please Help Support the Dew

  • %d bloggers like this: