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Task Force Created to Attack Fearbola
The American Medical Association has announced Fearbola is now recognized as a legitimate disease and warrants further investigation by the medical profession as to treatment and prevention.
“The abnormal and uncontrollable fear of terrorists can have profound detrimental impact on the individual as well as our economy if it goes untreated,” said Dr. Oscar Kemper of the AMA. “Having people afraid to leave their homes and live in fear of what might happen is a recipe for a neutered society.”
The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta created a task force to seek out the source of Fearbola but have yet to determine its origins.
“The affliction does seem to have more of an impact on what we call “red” states, although unreasoned fear of someone who people think looks like a terrorists is not confined to just those areas,” said Dr. Simon Gladstone of the CDC. “We think the disease may have broken out someplace in Texas, possibly initiated by people afraid the illegal immigrants brought in to pick cabbage for coolie wages may be planning to poison the food crop, but there is no hard evidence to support this, although statements by Ted Cruz do give the theory some weight.”
Gladstone went on to say the disease was along the lines of “paranormal paranoia.”
“It’s like Atlanta Braves fans being asked to believe the team will be good in a few years,” said Gladstone. “Fans want to believe but the evidence is thin, and those with Fearbola are convinced the bullpen is hiding people who will blow up anything, including a five run lead.”
Symptoms of Fearbola are abnormal sweating, bed wetting, bowel lock and an uncontrollable desire to watch Fox News. Gladstone also noted that many of the infected people screech in high pitched Ted Cruz voices.
“Individuals affected by this disease function under the basic premise that there is a terrorist not only behind every tree but that the terrorist has specifically targeted them for annihilation,” said Gladstone. “Individuals who suffer from Fearbola may retreat into the darkest parts of their mind and never return. We’re not certain if the brain is actually devoured or just dulled, but the most seriously affected are left with the delusional notion Donald Trump is a reasonable candidate for president.”
Gladstone noted as of now there is little in the way of treatment.
“When people are cowed by half-truths they will look for anything as a cure, but we’ve determined leeches on the neck or exposure to rational thought have little effect,” said Gladstone. “For the most severe cases, the only treatment appears to be for the sick to lock themselves in a room and watch the Republican presidential debates with a .357 magnum in their lap.”
Beeny Snipp, an onion farmer from Valdosta, Georgia, was diagnosed with the disease but was able to overcome it by adhering to the idea he refused to live in fear that would affect his lifestyle.
“I go to Wal-Mart regular and stand in a line with 20 people who can’t speak English because they never have more than two registers open,” said Shipp. “You think I’m scared of some terrorists?”