satire

Guns Over People by Mario Piperni

Congressional Republicans moved swiftly Tuesday to change the subject from banishing all Muslims from entering this country to passing new legislation that will make it beside the point because every single American will have a gun.

If passed, the Affordable Guns & Ammo Act (AG&AA) will cut prices on assault rifles for middle class families by as much as 40 percent and require employers to buy workers up to 1000 rounds a month, or face stiff fines, said GOP officials.

“It’s all well and good banishing Muslims from entering this country as one of our candidates has suggested,” said a GOP spokesman.

“But what about the ones who are already here, like that couple who killed 14 in California? Everybody in this country needs to be locked and loaded at all times, and that’s what this legislation guarantees.”

Republicans said they would fund the AG&AA by raising taxes on Muslims and “other suspicious groups we’ll identify later.”

According to an Iowa poll released 7 minutes later, 87 percent of all Republican voters in that early caucus state “hooted and hollered” in support of the measure.

Republicans criticized the Obama administration for “obsessing” on health care for all Americans instead of providing them with guns and ammo.

“The middle class is getting crunched by rising gun and ammunition costs, and all the Obama administration is talking about is treating the symptoms of lack of gun ownership — the physical wounds, and sometimes death, that come from being unarmed in the face of a terrorist attack,” said House Majority Leader Paul Ryan.

“This bill will take dead aim at dealing with that.”

According to gun and ammo industry experts the cost of the two assault rifles used in the attack in San Bernardino, Calif. that killed 14 – a Smith & Wesson M&P .223 Caliber Assault Rifle, and a DPMS Panther Arms .223-Caliber Assault Rifle – is about $2,000.

That’s far more than many Americans can afford, said Republicans.

“When a family of four can barely buy two assault rifles, and maybe 500 rounds of ammo, that means two members of that family are completely unarmed and would have to resort to things like hammers and butter knives and spatulas in the case of a terrorist attack,” said a GOP official.

“We’re the richest country in the world! The idea that we cannot afford to arm every single American is simply outrageous — and morally appalling.”

Some employers worried that they may have to lay off people because the cost of buying 1,000 rounds a month for everybody on the payroll would be too expensive.

“On the other hand,” said Ralph Williamson, who runs a concrete plant in Sylacauga, Ala., “I don’t want to be the guy to tell Fred over there, who just got four assault rifles that I can’t afford to buy his bullets and I might have to lay him off.”

“I could see Fred coming back later that afternoon real pissed off.”

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Illustration: Guns Over People by Mario Piperni via flickr and used under a Creative Commons license.
Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott is a former staff reporter for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution where, over the course of 24 years, he covered two of the biggest trials in the city's history -- the racketeering trial of former mayor Bill Campbell, and the trial of courthouse shooter, Brian Nichols -- and wrote features on travel, food, politics, movies, TV and advertising, and covered breaking news on the metro desk. He left the paper two years ago and is living, quite happily, in St. Petersburg, Fla., as a freelance writer.