sensible gun laws now
In Nothing We Trust
Congress and the Senate today vowed to do everything in their power to do absolutely nothing about the mass shootings today. Which shooting you ask? I don’t know, pick one, there are far too many to keep track of. The Speaker of the house, Paul Ryan, in an interview today said “We don’t want to rush to judgment and take away the rights from any red-blooded, all-American, shit-for-brains that simply wants a big-ass gun. His right to stupid supersedes your right to life, liberty and the pursuit of breathing. Furthermore, if these people aren’t walking around strapped with a Glock on their leg 24/7 and don’t have an iron lined panic room in their homes, isn’t it kinda their fault that their dead?” Ryan immediately left the press conference stating “I have a lot of nothing to get back to.”
Mitch McConnell responded to a reporter’s question of “Aren’t you rushing to judgment way too slowly?” The human turtle responded, “No, I think that, by doing nothing, very slowly, we are taking the right approach. Keep in mind that “doing nothing” is a serious responsibility. If we “did something” we could be making a grave mistake. ” McConnell went on to say “The fact that thousands having been dying for decades in our streets, schools, homes, businesses and churches is no reason to overreact and conclude that access to dangerous assault weapons might somehow be connected to this phenomena. A few more guns owners and I think we’ll have this problem licked.” He added, “Think about it, by not outlawing sharpened pencils we have successfully prevented most mass pencil stabbings.” Recently, Congress, in its deep wisdumb has insisted that the Center For Disease Control in Atlanta stop doing something, and instead, do nothing, by not studying gun violence – When the CDC objected, Congress wisely took their funding away.
Donald Trump, not to be outdone, jumped into the conversation by saying “I’ll build a bigger than big wall, made out of superglue and poker chips. It will be manned and paid for by illegal migrant worker croupiers who will harvest your lettuce on their nights off. It will be the hugest wall/casino ever built.” Donald, forever pleased with himself, added “I am such a huge winner … so huge.”
So America, learn from this. Doing nothing is the most pro-active thing we can do right now as a society to prevent more ass-hats from blowing us away on a daily basis. So continue to do nothing and speak in platitudes, but try to be honest with yourselves. Admit, that the constitutional right to pretend you’re a man, by owning that Remington 700 Tactical or Sig Saur P-220, is worth a few grammar schools kids’ lives. Surely their parents can make more kids? And for those who like to educate themselves at the University of Bumper Stickers, remember, freedom ain’t free, freedom is doing whatever the fuck you want.
The republicans now think they have a bead on things by blaming it all on a lacking mental health system. Refresh my memory, but isn’t this the same mental health system they dismantled under the Ronnie RayGun administration — being, and I quote, “a huge fucking waste of money.” The only fly in this ointment is, even a psychiatrist can’t determine who is crackers enough to kill someone until after it happens. And it hasn’t occurred to them that they didn’t arrest Timothy McVeigh or James Holmes until after they killed a few folks. Up until that point Timmy and Jimmy were just a little weird. And in this country “a little weird” isn’t a mental illness, and it can still purchase weapons legally or otherwise any hour of the day. Yes, the next McVey and Timmy Holmes are out there right now, buying assault rifles, stocking up on large capacity clips, maybe a bullet proof vest or two – Are you going to the mall today? I hope you’re ready for him. No one knows who they are, where they are, or what they are thinking; and let’s be frank, they will never be tested for mental illness. Granted it’s far easier to determine who is crazy enough to kill people by counting the number of bodies left behind after they’ve waded through a mall with an AK-47. For until there is a pile of bodies you really can’t be sure who is nutz and who ain’t, can you? But the irony is sane people kill people too … whatcha gonna do to stop them? Most of the people incarcerated for murdering others are not classified as insane wack-jobs. Future, sane killers, will keep the NRA in a constant orgasmic state by buying weapons at an astounding rate. Hope they don’t live close to you … of course some probably already do. Are you’re feeling lucky? I hope you will be satisfied with the platitudes and prayers when it’s your kid, your wife or your brother.
I’m beginning to see two groups emerge: Group 1 thinks the way to determine the difference between batshit crazy enough to kill, and run-of-the-mill asshole is, give everyone a magical mental illness test and only restrict guns to those deemed too crackers for weaponry. Group 2 wants to sell everybody guns and sort it out afterward and then, and only then, restrict their weapons.
Both these groups suffer from severe cranial rectal inversion.
How, and who, will determine if you are “mentally fit” for gun ownership? Will it be a state test given to all 3rd graders and graduating seniors? Or maybe it should be given with your driver’s test? “Please navigate the yellow cones in front of you and have you ever considered turning your Dodge Caravan into a car bomb?”
Will varying degrees of crazy be awarded varying degrees of firepower? If it turns out that you’re a pretty stable dude will you be allowed a 38 caliber snub nose and 12 rounds, or the choice of a pump shotgun and no shells? If you are only a little nuts, like my neighbors, maybe you’re allowed a 22 varmint gun. If you have “crazy eyes” I suggest you only be permitted a licensed B.B. gun. And if your test scores you “full bore O.J. Simpson” you’ll receive a gift certificate for a rubber wash cloth.
Personally I think hitting and beating your wife, or anyone else for that matter, is a sign you have mental health issues. Are the republicans prepared to take away the guns from every case of domestic abuse nationwide? Domestic abusers kill their wives and families everyday – do you care more about the abused woman or that the abuser keeps his constitutional rights to own weapons? What ‘bout good-old Uncle Billy, who has been taking Prozac for his “bad days” for years? You gonna take his huntin’ rifle away? How about Trump? – Does anyone want him showin’ up at a debate locked and loaded? If you are not prepared to take a lot of guns away from a lot of people, and register every last one of them, you are simply doing nothing, you are the problem.
Today, folks from Australia spoke up about their oppressive gun laws and the disastrous decline in gun deaths due to them. In 1996, just 12 days after the worst mass shooting in Australia’s history, the government passed a law that would become one of the largest gun reforms in recent history. Afterward, gun deaths plummeted … Well durn, who whudda’ figgered?
Horace Dijeerydoo Johnson, from Australia’s deep outback, is still royally pissed about that turn of events. “We too could still have mass shootings all year long just like the United States if they would just allow us all to have our butt-load of handguns, assault rifles and automatic weaponry back.” He went on to say, “It’s really dull living here now – I can’t tell you when I last feared for my life. Saturday night was a whoopin’ good time full of shoot’em-ups back in the day. But we fooked it all up and actually did something about it, absolute shame.”
Mike Huckabee has the ultimate fall back for doing nothing – He suggests “that we all pray and think about the stricken families.” Since praying has never worked for shit, it is the perfect, soporific, social appeasement – it’s the ultimate act of nothingness. Praying, or preying, in the face of a real tragedy is the epitome of doing nothing. It’s playing make-believe with other people’s lives. It creates the illusion that you care without doing a damn thing. When a Congressman tells you that he’s going to pray for you, what he really means is, “I ain’t gonna do jack shit.” Another word for praying is lip-service. So tell all the dead peoples families how bad you feel and how much you are praying and thinking about them. Then as soon as the politely appropriate amount of time has expired, let’s forget the dead, forget their destroyed families and go back to doing what we’ve always done about this problem … nothing.
- Image: Gun Roulette by Steve Sack - licensed by LikeTheDew.com at Daryl Cagle’s PoliticalCartoon.com Store.