presidential debates

 

 

Hollywood these days seems to be in a serious rut. There is the occasional original and interesting new film, but for the most part studio heads apparently don’t like to take risk so we are constantly getting remakes of old films or one more in a series of previously successful movies.

Another James Bond or Indiana Jones film makes perfect sense, but remakes of wonderful old movies are usually wholly unsatisfying and generally disappointing despite all the new technology available to fill them with moronic special effects.

With Halloween upon us, and the Republicans hammering away at each other in what are comically called debates, it appears Hollywood has missed a tremendous opportunity to fill a void.

No doubt numerous candidates will need to find new careers so a remake of the old classic science fiction and horror movies, starring soon to be forgotten presidential candidates, would fill the theaters. Politicians are accustomed to working in a world of fiction and trying to make the public believe something is real when it isn’t, so they could adapt to their new roles with ease.

Ronald Reagan went from being a second rate actor to a successful politician so it seems only fair that second rate politicians be given the chance to become actors.

Ben Carson, by all accounts a doctor and supposedly a man of science, is a conundrum to anyone who listens to him closely. Since he apparently doesn’t believe in science, one must wonder what his genetic makeup is and if he is a void in the evolutionary scale he doesn’t believe in. This would make him ideal as the lead in the remake of “The Creature from the Black Lagoon.”

Jeb Bush, disappearing faster than ice cream at a six-year-old’s birthday party, is perfect for a new “Invisible Man.”

Donald Trump seems pretty clueless about how government operates and what is going on in the real world, so casting him in “The Thing from Another World” is a winner, and given his hair little would have to be spent on makeup.

“Frankenstein” is often the name associated with the creature created by the mad doctor, Henry Frankenstein. This role is perfect for Ted Cruz, and the produces could save themselves a lot of money by letting him play both parts, especially since he has experience pretending to be a presidential candidate and a senator.

Chris Christie, apparently unaware there is a country west of New Jersey, could star in “Journey to the Center of the Earth”, although the name might have to be changed to Journey to the Center of Ohio. If this role doesn’t work out, “The Hunchback of Nortre Dame” is always an option as Christie has the required girth.

Bobby Jindal, who seems to be one thing then another, could lock up the role of “The Wolf Man” and he wouldn’t have to wait for a full moon to morph into a creature you can’t believe exists.

Naturally one might think Carly Fiorina would be perfect for “Bride of Frankenstein”, but she would have to work on her scream. Instead, in trying to provide more good roles for women in film, she could replace Bela Lugosi in “Dracula.”  As a former corporate executive, she has experience sucking the life out of people and would be perfect as “Countess Dracula.”

A remake of “The Fly” would be ideal for Mike Huckabee because he keeps hanging around like a fly at a picnic.

And if television wants to get in the act, a resurrection of “Lost” starring Lindsey Graham, Rand Paul, and George Pataki could bring new life to the series.

Maybe come Halloween next year we can see a whole new world from Hollywood when it comes to remakes. And by then, of course, they will also have a couple of Democrats looking for work.

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Editor's note: Governor Kasich and Senator Rubio were not included in the story, but their images have been added to the slide show as John Kasich as Freddy Kruger in the "Nightmare on Elm Street" and Marco Rubio as David Kessler in "An American Werewolf in London."

Images: Dr. Ben Carson as “The Creature from the Black Lagoon” is a composite image created for LikeTheDew.com from a studio promotional photo Ricou Browning found at the Motion Picture Files and a Creative Commons photo of Ben Carson speaking at CPAC 2015 by Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia.org; Jeb! Bush as “The Invisible Man” is a composite image created for LikeTheDew.com from a Creative Commons photo Jeb! Bush speaking at CPAC by Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia.org and a promotional shot of RayBans; Donald Trump as "The Thing from Another World" is a composite image created for LikeTheDew.com from a Creative Commons photo Donald Trump by Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia.org and promotional photo from the movie (found on images.wikia.com/fair use); Ted Cruz as "Frankenstein" is a composite image created for LikeTheDew.com from a Creative Commons photo of Cruz speaking to the Values Voters Summit by Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia.org and pieces (didn’t take much) of promotional photos from the Frankenstein movie; Chris Christie in "Journey to the Center of the Earth" is a composite image created for LikeTheDew.com from a promotional photo for the movie and an unattributed photo of Mr. Christie (happy to attribute should the copyright holder be found or take down); Bobby Jindal as “The Wolf Man” is a composite image created for LikeTheDew.com from  Gov. Jindal’s state portrait (public domain) and promotional photos for the movie; Carly Fiorina as the "Bride of Frankenstein" is a composite image created for LikeTheDew.com from a promotional image from the movie and a portion of a screen shot from one of the debates; Mike Huckabee as "The Fly" is a composite image created for LikeTheDew.com from a photo of a common house fly and with a head of Huck stuck on - apologies if we abuse your copyrights passed fair use; Lindsey Graham, Rand Paul, and George Pataki in “Lost” is a composite image created for LikeTheDew.com from official portraits and a promotional image for the show; John Katich as Freddy Kruger is a composite image created for LikeTheDew.com from a  youtube screen shot of Governor Kasich; and promotional photo for the movie “Nightmare on Elm Street”; Marco Rubio as David Kessler in An American Werewolf in London is a composite image created for LikeTheDew.com from a promotional photo from the movie and a tiny picked of photo of Senator Rubio from Biography.com. Note: if any copyright holder wishes us to attribute differently or take down, please email our webmaster.

Ric Latarski

Ric Latarski has written for a variety of publications in the Atlanta area, was a stringer for Time Magazine, did commentary for Georgia Public Radio and wrote the guidebook, Atlanta: 101 Great Choices. He now writes fiction and recently completed his first novel.