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satire on the campaign trail
Republican Party Confirms George Bush Was Once President
The Republican Party confirmed Wednesday that George Bush was once President of the United States.
“We’re just trying to clear the air and make it clear we’re all about transparency,” said GOP spokesman Frank Billingham. “There have been all these press reports that he was president and, rather than fan more speculation, we confirm that he was, indeed, President of the United States – but, let me emphasize, for the point of absolute clarity, it was a long, long, LOOOOOONG time ago.”
The presidency of George Bush has been in the news lately because his brother Jeb Bush is running for president on the GOP ticket and recently had to explain how his brother George kept America “safe” even though George was in fact president at the time of the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attack that killed almost 3,000 Americans, a nuance that may have escaped the notice of the Republican base, said GOP analysts.
Jeb Bush has also had to explain that his brother George, who was president of the United States from 2001 to 2009 — appointed to his first term by the U.S. Supreme Court, elected the second time by voters — made a mistake when, based on “flawed” intelligence, he attacked the nation of Iraq, costing another 4,500 American lives.
“George has become almost too much for Jeb to bear, and the rest of us clearly share his pain,” said Ted Plangent, a GOP analyst.
The announcement, ending months of speculation on conservative social media (“George Bush was president? OMG! LOL!”), could ease tension in the JEB! campaign and allow the network of Republican news and opinion web sites to get back to denying climate change and calling for a more thorough Congressional investigation of Benghazi and Hillary Clinton’s emails.
“I think this is one of those bold strokes of leadership Americans are looking for,” said Plangent. “The courage to call a Bush a Bush.”
Jeb Bush said he would continue campaigning as usual and acting like George was never president or responsible for many of the problems that still beset the nation: an economy still recovering from the George Crash of 2008, and wars in the Middle East and the rise of ISIS set in motion by the ill-fated attack on Iraq.
“Instead of looking backward, we need to be smarterer about looking forwarder,” he said.
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