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    satire from the darkside

    Walmart Introduces Discount Funerals

    by | 5 | Aug 6, 2015

    Walmart funeral page - atlanta braves casetWalmart, swashbuckling privateer of American commerce, is casting its grappling hooks at the lucrative, always in demand, funeral industry. Is anybody surprised?

    According to Wily Ebeneezer, Walmart Director of Roughshod Practices, the mercantile behemoth’s version of Area 51 in Rigor Mortis Springs, Arkansas, has developed discount funerals for their thrifty-minded customers. (And ain’t they all?)

    “We look at this way,” Ebeneezer explained. “If people will buy the cheapest unsafe tires available to put on their family car, why would they squander the family fortune burying grandma, if they had a choice? It’s this cheapskate consumer we’re after, and we haven’t been disappointed yet.”

    However, the nation’s funeral homes are not taking this attack lying down. Bones Klitchkow, Sergeant at Arms for the Brotherhood of Embalmers, is outraged.

    “How would you like some minimum-wage doofus embalming your mother?” Klitchkow demanded. “Just because a person is good at ignoring customers in a busy store doesn’t mean he or she can pump chemicals into a corpse. This is an art form. You’re either born with it or you can’t do it.”

    Walmart’s Ebeneezer dismisses this criticism. “We’ve worked this down to a science,” he said. “A stiff, er, dearly departed, comes into our receiving dock behind the store, is hosed down, fumigated, and filled with preservatives on the lube rack; dressed with the best stain and wrinkle-resistant polyester garments made by virginal Asian children from the Clothing section; beautified and perfumed at the Cosmetic counter, placed in a economical wooden Cambodian coffin, and then sent though the express checkout on a shopping cart and out the door.”

    “Good to go in less than an hour,” Ebenezer chuckled. “And all for less than the cost of a deep-fat turkey fryer, or two all weather truck tires.”

    Company officials say the funeral cost will be even lower after Walmart customers are offered the opportunity to sign up for their new discount mortuary service, to be called “Sam’s Adios Club.”

    And, if requested, Walmart greeters will start performing a short, tasteful eulogy as the box goes out the door.

    “Where will it end with this bunch?” Klitchkow wonders. “Walmart has taken over just about everything now except proctology exams.

    “But, yet and still, I’d be real careful about bending over in a Walmart store,” Bones Klitchkow warned. “Prostates are like children – you don’t want just anybody fondling them.”

    ###
    • Image: From an actual Walmart product web page (adjusted by LikeTheDew.com to fit image area) - promotional use.

     

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    • David

      Man, you’re fast becoming our post-pradial delight. No proctology exams, though, s’il vous plait.

    • Ken

      I don’t know why you are concerned about the prostate exam, Walmart sells rubber gloves in the gardening section. What you need to watch out for is the imminent release of the cardboard coffin made from recycled election posters. Great story.

    • Will Cantrell

      JL, you are ‘too much’. I love this and your other writings as well. Of course, I suspect you and Lee are going to be hearing from Wal-Mart’s Legal Department any minute now. If you do, me, Ken, David and your other fans on The Dew will be there to help bail y’all out. Great piece. Will

      • JL Strickland

        I’ll guess this leaves no alternative except for me to plead the fifth — of Jim Beam!

    • Eileen

      Looking at Walmart’s coffin catalogue, a cost cutting opportunity presents itself in the unnecessary padded comfort. Thinking outside the box, U.S. packaging design being second to none, cardboard or bubble wrap would leave more trees standing. If Walmart greeters perform a eulogy there could be peanuts on the floor for atmosphere.
      I like your style, JL. You’ve got us going.

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