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    yumm

    The Bacon Bowl

    by | 3 | May 16, 2014

    BaconBowl-u

    I know what you’re thinking, that the Bacon Bowl is an SEC College Bowl Game that takes place on a hog farm in Arkansas … Nope, it’s the newest advance in American gastronomy.

    Bacon1The Bacon Bowl is a small, plastoid, hat shaped device that you wrap a wad of bacon around. Then you zap the crap out of it in the microwave and remove the remaining, crispy, bowl-shaped bowl-o-bacon. You then fill this “bowl” with a plethora of heart stopping ingredients, such as cheese drenched macaroni and sausage balls, swimmin’ in butter, topped with a fried egg. To purchase this amazing product go to:  https://www.buyperfectbacon.com.

    Now if we weren’t such a health conscious country; table settings made of bacon might not be such a good idea. But fortunately the scourge of heart disease, Wal-Mart patrons the size of SUV’s, childhood obesity, and rampant diabetes are virtually unknown in the U. S. of A.

    Full disclosure: I still sport my girlish figure with pride (now I’m talkin’ big girl here) but I rarely need to wear the pair of “relaxed fit, tractor-ass” jeans hanging in my closet.

    This savory and edible place setting saves thousands of hours in kitchen cleanup. Once the contents are consumed, you simply devour the “bowl.” As they say “No muss, No fuss.” Kiss those dishpan hands goodbye.

    Imagine the convenience of serving Juniors Frosted flakes in his personal edible Bacon Bowl during hectic mornings while trying to get his little lard-ass off to school. Or flinging a large dollop of strawberry-mango yogurt into sis’s Bacon Bowl for a convenient, low cal snack after cheer practice. And don’t forget that hard working husband of yours; he can kick back, and watch the Falcons lose yet another one, while scarfin’ down a Bacon Bowl full of pizza sauce topped with Cheeto’s. And then there’s Mom. The Bacon Bowl is the perfect container to slurp down a trio of Mohito’s with a chaser of Prozac before the little heathens drive you bat-shit crazy … So, put the knife down, take the edge off, and eat the evidence. Your AA sponsor will never be the wiser.

    It also opens the door to other innovative culinary dishes:

    1. Squirrel Carcass bowls – for the Duck Dynasty crowd – simply fill the Squirrel Carcass Bowl with your favorite mix of acorn mash and bear grease and enjoy.
    2. Gingerbread Gravy Boat – self explanatory and might I say – delicious!
    3. The Candy Cup – A 36 oz. Tsunami sized cup made of rock candy, once you finish that diabetic rush of Mountain Dew, you eat the cup as well. (Warning: not Michael Bloomberg approved)
    4. The Edible Burger Bucket – A bucket made of ground beef. Holds 14 pounds of mash’d taters and CheezeWhiz and you can eat the whole damn thing! Comes with pre-formed handles made of beef jerky.
    5. The Sandwich Sandwich – A 16oz. pastrami sandwich placed between two other 16oz. corned beef sandwiches – Comes with a personal defibrillator.

    BaconAnd bacon is not just for dinner! Compliment your Bacon Bowl Blitz by putting an aromatic whiff of bacon perfume behind each ear and a smidge in your cleavage. Who can resist the aroma of bacon frying wafting up from a sweet young thangs décolletage? Straight up, they don’t make men strong enough to resist Hooters-n-Ham! Oh, you think I’m kidding? Oh, hell to the no. To “order you odor,” fire up that computer and go to: http://www.fargginay.com. So, strut your bacon badonkadonk down to the local waterin’ hole wearing the fragrance of fried pig meat. You go Girl, Lady Ga Ga’s got nuthin’ on you. My next stop? The TV show Shark Tank to show them my idea for Bacon Bras and Prosciutto panties, guaranteed to drive the men on the meat based PalioDiet out of their freakin’ noggins.

    Bacon Bowls and Pig Perfume – This is America people, it don’t get better than this.

    ###
    • Images: The pig in bowl is, of course, by the author, © Trevor Irvin. The other images are promotional images for more bacon products (fair use).
    Trevor Stone Irvin

    Trevor Stone Irvin

    Illustrator and Designer living in the Candler Park area...At one time I worked at the Atlanta Constitution and then for CNN at the startup...it all seemed too much like real work so I went freelance...which my father defined as "being unemployed for a real long time".

     

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    • Will Cantrell

      Irvin:
      Methinks this is outrageously funny, which is all you and I REALLY care about. HOWEVER, I also think that you are getting dangerously close to slandering bacon. Watch it buster and make sure you never besmirch bacon. As we all know bacon ain’t nothing but bar-be-que without the sauce. We also know that if there is such a thing as a sacred food, dammit it’s bacon (the real opiate of the masses). So you just watch yourself, mister. Great piece. Will

    • Trevor Irvin

      Now Will,
      You know I would never do anything to slander bacon. I am a strict adherent and advocate of healthy eating and to the 4 basic food groups -- Salt, Butter, Bacon and Tabasco Sauce!

      Regards,
      T

    • David

      I’ve already placed an order for some of that bosom perfume. Hope it gets here before Christmas so Jody can use it while modeling her Prosciutto panties.

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