I have been looking at those year-end 2013 TV news shows that review everything that happened over the past twelve months. Sure does look like a lot of stuff went down in 2013. A lot of stuff happened that I didn’t even know about when it was going on… sometimes right under my nose. Therein lies my problem Justplainwill. For some reason, this past year I only learned about some of the really important events after they happened. I guess I’m having a hard time staying in the loop. When I learned of anything that was really important, it was too late, the horse had already left the barn.
Justplainwill, I like surprises as much as anyone, but it is not good for a man in my position to get them as much as I apparently did in 2013. Next thing you know, people will say I don’t have a clue. If I can start telling people what’s going to happen they will be impressed with me. Everybody will think I’m smart. Can you tell me some stuff that’s going to happen next year?
Dear Kasim R.
You’ve come to the right place. Outlined below are a some of the headlines, stories and a few blurbs that you are sure to see on the year- end TV shows for 2014.
UPS, FEDEX FINALLY DELIVER CHRISTMAS 2013 PACKAGES ON FIRST DAY OF SPRING 2014. Both carriers flip-off critics saying “Get off our backs. We’re still better than the Post Office, dammit! And besides Biblical scholars say Christmas was very likely in March anyway.” Customers reply: “It’s a good thing Joseph and Mary rode a brown donkey to the first Christmas, instead of a Brown truck. Otherwise we’d be celebrating Christmas in September.”
MEGAN KELLY ASSURES US THAT JUST LIKE JESUS, SANTA and NEWT, MICKEY MOUSE AND LESTER HOLT ARE ALSO WHITE GUYS.“ Her claims are supported by Fox News fake historian, Bill O’Reilly. Says “Who ya gonna believe, us at Fox News or your lyin’ eyes?”
OBAMACARE FIXED FOR GOOD. YOUNG MILLENNIALS FLOCK TO WEBSITE. White House sees 15,000,000 young citizens sign up in dramatic surge after making hair growth, bad hair days and tattoos pre-existing conditions. In a bold stroke of creative genius, the White House adds ‘Obama-hair’ to list of authorized services provided by ACA. As he crisscrossed the country, touting the advantages of the new benefit, President vowed “If you like your barber, you can keep your barber.” White House is currently mulling adding pedicures, called Obama-feet.
FAST EDDIE SNOWDEN REVEALS EVEN MORE STUFF THAT MOST AMERICANS ALREADY KNEW; CONTINUES TO PAT SELF ON THE BACK. Russian authorities were not really concerned in late 2103 when Snowden revealed in a Washington Post interview that he was “…living like an indoor cat.” They assumed that he was speaking metaphorically. However, Vladimir Putin, became disgusted when viewing a recent KGB surveillance film of the NSA leaker ‘meowing’, climbing the curtains, and scratching himself on the furniture. He ordered that Snowden be given catnip and also be thrown in jail in Upper Siberia. Putin said Snowden had “…worn out his welcome. And besides, we’ve had more than enough time to analyze the data on all those laptops Snowden stole took from the NSA. I wasn’t impressed with any of it. Hell, I thought that maybe Snowden had some stuff we could use. Near as we can tell, the NSA doesn’t know anymore than we Russians already knew. I was hopin’ the NSA had learned how to predict American Powerball numbers. Now that would have been stuff worth knowing. Stuff worth giving up a little amnesty for.”
Snowden gave his only 2014 interview to Fox News contributor Lara Logan, after promising her that he too was in Benghazi in September, 2012. Logan gushed that Snowden was a fascinating figure and has grown even more cat-like since last year. She indicated that he was obviously in-heat, acting very temperamental, humping her leg, and licking her face.
Logan reports Snowden, who famously once said that he “…didn’t want to want to live in a world where everything I do and say is recorded. That is not something I am willing to support or live under,” is cold, hungry and damp, living in a 4×8 jail cell on the Siberian frontier. She reports that Snowden spends much of his time watching out for U.S. drones and writing a Broadway play whose working title is “Be Careful What you Wish For.” Fast Eddie, as he is called by his cellmates, still insists that he “already won.”
JUSTIN BIEBER TURNS 19 FOR THE 5th TIME; BLASTS DOE STUDY LINKING BIEBER FEVER AND LOW SCHOLASTIC ACHIEVEMENT. The Biebs explains that he is perpetually 19 because it gives fans and other enablers even more time to tell the rest of us to “…get off his back, he’s just a kid, he’s gonna make mistakes.”
RAND PAUL DROPS OUT OF 2016 PRESIDENTIAL RACE. Candidate withdraws after USA Today poll reveals 75.7% of likely voters don’t want a Prez who looks strikingly —and recklessly— like Lee Harvey Oswald.
ATLANTA AIRPORT MOVES LOCK, STOCK AND RUNWAY TO COBB COUNTY. Atlanta mayor swears he had no idea Hartsfield was leaving town until it was too late.
IN ANOTHER HISTORIC AND PUZZLING REVERSAL, NIH SAYS BACON and trans-fats are good for you. Pig strips go the way of hand sanitizer, bottled water, washing raw chicken and a host of others. Fans hoping that fast cars, hot women and liquor will be next to receive endorsement from the National Institute of Health.
ATLANTA POLICE HEADQUARTERS BURGLARIZED IN SMASH AND GRAB OF ATM. Mayor and Police Chief still doggedly insist that statistically, the city has no crime problem. “It’s just a matter of perception,” said Mayor Reed.