the news

Just plain ignorant:
House Speaker John Boehner issued a second scathing rebuke of fellow republican Rep. Steve King after the Iowa Republican stood by his idiotic comments characterizing most young undocumented immigrants as “drug mules.”

Feel the BurnBoehner blowtificated “I want to be clear, (after years of making incredibly stupid comments himself) there’s no place in this debate for hateful or ignorant comments from elected officials. Earlier this week Rep. Steve King made comments that I think are deeply offensive and wrong.”

After further discussion on the floor it was determined that everything the Republicans ever said or stood for was either hateful or ignorant, whereupon every House Republican resigned.

Mr. Weiner:
I’m sorry, there is nothing I can add to this story – the man is a special kind of stupid.

Online Phys Ed.
Online physical education, another Florida first. Yes, gym class on your computer. And it turns out; one of the most popular programs at the school. Well, who could have guessed that? I bet fat dudes were signing up faster than Paula Dean could batter-dip a fried Twinkie.

“They make you run, they make you do crunches and you’re supposed to record it,” says one student at Terra Environmental Research Institute in Miami.

I take this to mean – fire up a doobie and get your little brother to “run” to the kitchen to get you something to “crunch” on while you download porn to get your heart rate up. Is this like the absolute perfect solution for the computer-nerd-couch-potato or what? Eat Cheetos on your way to a perfect six pack.

Why Online Gym Class you ask? Well, according to one “Online Coach” – “A lot of students feel alienated by the competitive sports. There are lots of students that don’t like to ‘suit up’ and don’t like to have the whole locker-room experience.”

Locker-room experience? Really? Now it’s an experience? We used to call it getting dressed; now it’s a theme ride at Disney World?

But thank god we are well on the way of removing any competitive aspect from sports. Color me odd, but “sport without competition” is like a hairless cat – strange and rather unappealing.
Maybe the NFL will wise up and decide the winner of the Super Bowl by playing jacks. Or better yet, simply give each team a trophy at the beginning of the season so no one’s self esteem gets trampled. In the future, gym class will likely consist of playing monopoly while wearing mittens, so you don’t chaff your hands.

Martha:
Martha Stewart to date online, seeks man for bed, breakfast.

Fascinatin’. You have 40 billion dollars, you are on the fortune 500 list, you have your own TV show, your own magazine, you used to model, you can craft a shoe out of 500 dollar bills and a ball of twine … and you can’t get laid? I’m sorry, but if you can’t “get some” with that kind of cash, no amount of online dating is gonna help you.

Martha’s dream dude criteria include:
1) Youngish – Ok, now we know she’s a little pervy.
2) She wants someone Active – So are we talkin’ maybe more than once a night?
3) Energetic – She needs boxes moved.
4) He definitely needs to be Outdoorish – So, she doesn’t want him living in her house.
5) Really smart – Help with those pesky insider trading laws would be nice.
6) And Tall-ish was checked – Helps to draw attention away from Martha’s cankles.

Martha’s interests included – hunting and fishing and she’s a fan of “the symphony, opera & rap.” Rap? Really? I can’t wait to watch Martha throw down with Eminem and Snoop Dogg – fo schizzle ma mizzle.

The I’ll Never Learn Department:
Erin James, was arrested for driving under the influence. She told police she had been drinking to celebrate the fact that she was getting her driver’s license back after a previous 2012 DUI arrest and conviction.

The I Really Don’t give-a-shit Department:
A New York man is being held in jail after showing up an hour and a half late for a court hearing on a felony DWI charge — he arrived at court drunk and carrying an open can of Busch beer. K. Gruber, 49, was also carrying four more beer cans in a paper bag when he went through the courthouse security check point. Gruber appeared before the Judge, who asked him if he was enjoying his “liquid lunch.” Gruber indicated that he did. The Judge sent him to jail with no bail.

The Don’t Even Think About It Department:
Whack him as hard as you can on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, and with a steely eye, in a very stern voice, admonish him … No! Bad Dog, Bad Dog! This is the only reasonable response to someone who decides to have their genitalia tattooed, their penis to be exact. Furthermore, this procedure has left the tattooie’s wonder pole at permanent at attention. To read this incredibly disturbing story, which I don’t advise, go to: bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com.

I just don’t see how you can wake up one morning, with the sun shining an’ the birds a-chirpin’, and decide it’s the perfect day to get a tattoo on your fun parts. The tattoo included the initials of his current girlfriend. Now a full crotch tattoo alone is a stunningly terrible idea, but adding someone’s initials to your love totem is simply beyond all known stupidity. I see a future encounter with another gal-pal du jour, come screeching to a halt, with the awkward “and just who the hells initials are these, big boy?”

The article states: “non-sex-related erections lasting longer than four hours are dangerous for penises.” And for some strange reason I totally believe that. When your idea of a good time is to stick a needle in your wanker and ink permanent pictures on it; there just is no kind of stupid you won’t visit. My guess is we’ll read about him again as a Darwin Award recipient.

I always feel better about myself knowing that though I’ve pulled some real hum-dingers in my time; I’ve never done anything quite that stupid.

And that’s Life in the Key of Stupid for July 2013.

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Illustration by the author, Trevor Irvin.
Trevor Stone Irvin

Trevor Stone Irvin

Illustrator and Designer living in the Candler Park area...At one time I worked at the Atlanta Constitution and then for CNN at the startup...it all seemed too much like real work so I went freelance...which my father defined as "being unemployed for a real long time".