Obama Wan Kenobi

Justplainwill will now take your questions.

obama-wan-kenobiDear Justplainwill:

I’m outraged.

Here I am, working my ass off, trying my best to get along with people on the other side of the aisle, trying to get a Grand Bargain and they pull this latest crap.

It’s not at all funny. When I first saw the picture we were at the water cooler just outside the Oval Office. I’d just separated Susan Rice and John Kerry. It was their third fistfight this week. (Rice is short but she has a temper and she was really kicking Kerry’s ass.) Anyway, it’s then that I see the picture falling out of Rice’s hands. Get this: the guy playing the Devil on the hit show, The Bible is my Doppelganger – my exact look-a-like.

I tried to play it off and say the guy looked nothing like me but then one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff points out that if you look closely, the hoodie Satan is wearing in last night’s episode of the show is sporting a Presidential Seal. “So obviously it must be you,” he says. Then, my wife, Michelle comes sashaying into the office, downstairs from the family quarters, sees the picture of Satan on my desk starts giggling.

“These your new publicity pictures, Baby?”, she says. Before I can say anything she says.and saying that the picture is more evidence that job has aged me some but that it is exactly the way I look early on a Saturday morning before I’ve shaved. Says its the reason she doesn’t like chopping the morning wood.

People have been teasing me about it all damn day; drawing horns on White House wall photos of me; looking at me all funny and stuff; and making comments about it on my Facebook wall. This afternoon at the Cabinet Meeting, I catch Eric Holder staring at my feet . So I ask him ‘You got some kind of foot fetish or something and he cracks back and says he was looking to see if I had cloven hooves instead of feet. I told him “ ‘…to kiss my…’, but before I could finish the thought, the phone rings and it’s that Pope Francis character giving me a hard time. He calls me right after his inauguration or whatever and says, “Now don’t forget, son, I still know how to perform an exorcism — just in case you know someone—“someone close to you”, he says – who might have a bit of the devil in him.” Yeah, right.

The upshot to all this is that lately I’ve been reaching out and schmoozing the Republicans like everybody says I should have been doing all along. Hell, I’ve been aimlessly walking the halls of the Capitol, lobbying anybody who’ll be seen talking to me and inviting them to dinner to talk out our problems. Last Thursday, I was even willing to let bygones be bygones and took that Paul Ryan idiot to lunch. The White House Press Corps was laughing behind my back saying ‘Obama must be really desperate to wine and dine a guy that even the other Republicans didn’t like anymore and for whom nobody in his home state voted for last November. That George Will so and so even started the rumor that since the schmooze stuff started, I was even giving campaign contributions to Republicans in exchange for a ‘Yea’ vote on a Grand Bargain. (This is not true by the way, even though I admit the thought did cross my mind.)

With regard to the actual ‘schmoozing’, you should see how much ‘government spending’ these bastards are willing to do when it comes to food and liquor and when another branch of the government is picking up the tab at the end of the night. Not one of those sons of bitches ever reached for the check. I’ve actually been paying for all the wining and dining with my personal credit card, which has turned out to be a bit of a problem. Michelle is not at all happy about me running up the credit card bills, squandering money on people who don’t even like us. On the other hand, she does admit that taking the Republicans out to dinner is way better than having any of them over to the White House because, as she told me just before I took the GOP’ers out the last time: “Baby, take ’em all out to a nice restaurant if you have to, ’cause they can’t come over here. We’d have to count all damn the silverware before and after the motherf&^%#$ left just to make sure that hadn’t stolen it.”

Justplainwill, I’ve done everything I know to do to patch things up between me and the Republicans short of calling in Dr. Phil to counsel all of us. I would have called him too but it turns out that damn Dr. Phil is a Republican. Anyway, this latest prank was no friendly practical joke. They are actually fostering the idea that I am Satan. This is just the last damn straw. It’s also another example of Republican revisionist history. Hell, everybody knows for a fact that Satan looks exactly like Dick Cheney!

I need your help, Justplainwill. What I should do about this latest outrage–and how can I get a Grand Bargain?

Barry O.
Washington, D.C.

Dear Barry:

Relax. Lighten up. Don’t take it personally. I have it on good authority the Doppelganger who plays you… er, rather ‘the Devil’ was actually the Casting Director’s fourth choice. The look-a-likes for Dick Cheney, Donald Trump and Dennis Rodman were already booked elsewhere on the day of filming.

drones circlingIf I were you I’d seize upon this ‘POTUS as Satan’ thing as a real opportunity. I’m serious. It’s obvious that the program of getting the Republicans together and schmoozing them is not working. (‘If you schmooze you lose’ as it were.) Accordingly, the next time you invite the Republicans for another one of those ridiculous Boys Nights Out, before you leave the White House to meet them at the restaurant, put on a black cloak and hoodie* and show up as your supposed alter-ego, the Black Angel of Death himself. Brandish one of those need-to-be-banned assault weapons just under your coat and also arrange for Hagel to have a couple of drones circling overhead for…er, uh… the purposes of effect and verisimilitude. You can bet that the Republicans will capitulate –and ABRA-KA-DABRA VOILA! — you’ll have your Grand Bargain on the budget –and with extra tax revenue from the wealthy class! You will probably even get their agreement on the assault weapons ban to boot and believe me, nobody, not even that Rand Paul will be questioning your use of drones.

You can trust Justplainwill on this Barry, because if there’s one thing that terrifies Republicans more than prospect of progressive societal change (or that yet another one of them is going to having to suddenly change their minds about same-sex marriage because one of their own brood has just announced they are gay), it’s the possibility of the existence of Hell and that they may actually be ‘in’ Hell – in just a few seconds!

After you get the Grand Bargain, even the right wing conservatives will be amazed and in a permanent state awe of your cleverness and aplomb. If you listen closely, you’ll even hear them saying things such as: “Ol’ Obama really got his way with it all this time… that ol’ sly devil!”

Your pal,
Justplainwill

 

*By the way, when you have on this black hoodie get-up, you might refrain from walking around the immediate environs of Samford, Florida.

 

In a quandry about life, love, sex, money, homework or even “Why the hell do John Mayer and Katy Perry even bother with each other anymore?” Write [email protected].

 

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Image credits: who created the illustration of our President under the hoodie is a mystery - if you find out, we are happy to attribute, license if we can afford it or take down; the illustration of a combat drone flying over barren mountains licensed by LikeTheDew.com – paulfleet/123RF Stock Photo. We had also hoped to use a photo of congress people schmoozing with the President like this one, but the pool photographer for the event listed them with Getty and we will never ever run a Getty image - ever.
Just Plain Will

Just Plain Will

J. P. Will is a noted counselor, spiritual adviser and advice giver to the stars as well as the star-crossed. A former goat-herder and Arctic explorer, Will is the proud holder of a GED as well as a Certificate of Attendance of the Naples, Florida School of Online Tooth Extraction and Snow Removal. He also studied psychotherapy in Vienna, which he proudly points out is located about 75 miles due north of Hahira, Georgia.

All of these accomplishments make him as qualified to give advice as... er, well... anybody else.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there are many who think that Justplainwill is an alter ego of frequent Dew contributor, Will Cantrell ( furthering the notion that Cantrell needs a new, different, and better personality.) On the other hand, Cantrell, in a recent meeting with our editors, vehemently denied and disavowed any knowledge of Justplainwill's existence. (“Just plain who? Never heard of the jerk... that is unless he says that he owes me money”, said Cantrell.) Despite Cantrell's protestations and what we are sure was feigned indignation, we at Offices of The Dew have our suspicions --- especially since no one has ever seen both Justplainwill and Cantrell at the same place at the same time.