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Dear Justplainwill:

John Roberts and the United States Supreme Court (DonkeyHotey)

Until about a week ago, everything in my world was fine. In fact, you might even say it was exceptional. I had a nice job in the jurisprudence game, a late model car, good looking wife, smart kids and great standing in the community. In fact, I was very often referred to as the “Darling of the Right-Wing.” People looked up to me and even asked my opinion on political issues. You know, stuff like that.

Then suddenly, all of that changed. Now everybody hates me.

This is all because of an incident that occurred at work a few days ago. Me and a few of the gang — we only half-kiddingly call ourselves”the Supreme’s” — were goofing around the water-cooler, shooting rubber bands, paper clips and flicking boogers at each other. Breyer and Thomas were also talking smack, bragging about which one of them had the biggest robe.

I’d just hit ol’ Kennedy in the eye with this big-ass spit-ball when someone, I think it was that spoil-sport, Alito, said we needed to quit horsing around and get down to business. Another one of the fellas says “Yeah, Sam’s right. We gotta get back to work.” And then he brings up the Affordable Healthcare Act, Obamacare. I said “ Aw, hell, the damn thing is obviously constitutional, no two ways about it.” In the flash of an eye –I mean just like that– Anthony Kennedy calls me a liar. Scalia then said I was a damned liar! Breyer, I think it was, says to Scalia “Who you call’in a damn lie, you ol’ so and so? The boss is right. It is constitutional.” People were starting to get loud.

As almost always happens, things escalated and pretty soon guys were coming out of their robes, throwing them down on the floor and there are fists flying and legal briefs and paper clips being thrown everywhere. The next thing you know, Breyer and Scalia are scuffling on the floor and the womenfolk in the office come running in like banshees wanting to get in on the action. That little one, Ginsburg I think her name is, gets mean when there’s a fight and she’s been known to bite people. We have these kind of scraps all the time, so I was kinda expecting it. It’s just part of the job. Anyway, another one of the women, ether Sotomayor or Kagan (I can hardly tell them apart) comes in and tells everyone to break it up and to act like adults. She reminded us that the police had warned us the last time that they were getting tired of being called to this address and if they ever had to come up here again that one of us Supremes was going to the hoosegow. We all knew that if the cops came there’d be a lot of explaining to do and not a one of us had bail money since it was still a couple of days until payday. So everybody goes back to their respective chambers and as usual, leaving it to me, to fix everything.

A few days later, I released the official decision on Healthcare and again all hell breaks loose again and everyone blames me. I guess it wasn’t what everybody wanted to hear. In fact, from the looks of things, nobody wanted to hear it, except maybe that Barack Obama. Half of my friends on Facebook have de-friended me, and my real friends, the ones that used to be good for a sawbuck are all asking “How could you do such a thing?” One of the right-wing talk show hosts questioned my competence. Another questioned my sanity and even my sobriety, saying that I had made the decision and written the majority opinion while I was drunk. One guy said that the only thing that explains it was that Obama must have had pictures of me in a compromising position with some barnyard animals or maybe John Travolta. Rush, Glenn Beck, Bill Reilly — all of ‘em — accused me of being a coward, a traitor and even worse, a Democrat.

All this hurts, Justplainwill. Hell, I bet Rush Limbaugh has never even read the Constitution. I doubt Glenn Beck can read at all. So who are they to question me?

What really hurts is my posse’ — the boys that I hang with at work over at SCOTUS, Scalia, Alito, Kennedy and Clarence — won’t even talk to me anymore. Yesterday, Scalia tried to start a food fight and threw some broccoli at me when we were in the SCOTUS cafeteria line. Anthony Kennedy flipped me a bird and told me to “go kick rocks.” Hell, I always figured, Justplainwill, that if anybody would like my opinion on Healthcare it would be a Kennedy. The real heart breaker though, was Clarence. He hardly ever says anything at all unless Scalia tells him it’s ok. But this morning when I said “Good Morning” as I passed by, Clarence drops trou’, bent over, moons me and says “Yo Mama.” (I was really disappointed in this, because I figured that if anyone knew what it felt like to be on the outside looking in it would be a brother.)

What can I do, Justplainwill to get my mojo back? In the meantime, I’ve just decided to keep my opinions to myself and not shoot off my big mouth anymore.

John Roberts
Chief Justice, SCOTUS
Washington, D.C.

Dear Chief:

First, this is why you should never talk about religion or politics at work.

Second, welcome to our world. Now you know what the rest of us have to put up with everyday.

Third, by now you should know better than to expect any kind of sympathy from Clarence. Yeah, he looks like a brother but Scalia hasn’t explained to him yet that he is one, so he has no clue.

As far as the loss of status in the community as well as the verbal onslaught and retribution that you’ve received from the right-wing is concerned, I have faced this same situation any number of times. I have felt deserted by family, friends, neighbors and even my dog, “Alibi.” The last time was when an eighteen year old girl, whom I’d never seen before in my life but who looked remarkably and strikingly like me arrived on my doorstep and greeted me as “Daddy.” Believe you me, Justplainwilma, my seventh wife was not amused. She was not in a contemplative mood and let loose a torrent of cuss words and a barrage of fists that would make anything that Rush Limbaugh or Glen Beck should have possibly said about you seem like a Sunday School testimonial. (She said “You can’t say the ‘the dog did it’ this time, just like you do everything else.”)

With regard to getting back your mojo, the upper hand or just plain status in the community, my recommendation in these situations is to get even. As any garden variety advice-giver, spiritual advisor, or just plain know it all knows, the best way to get revenge is through ‘fear’. Here’s what you should do:

First, call Rush, Beck, and all of the Right -Wingers into a meeting and remind all of the bastards, who are giving you a hard time that you’re in the job for life. They are stuck with you. S-T-U-C-K. Also remind them that on the court docket in the near future are cases concerning gay marriage, gun control, affirmative action, as well as the legalization of marijuana. Furthermore, tell them that the recent decisions on Arizona and AHA are just a hint of things to come. Tell them to just “…wait and see what else, I’ve got up my sleeve… er, I mean under my robe.”

Next — and this is key — you then triumphantly announce that you have recently gone to the mountain top, studied with the masters, become even more enlightened and than you already were and as a result have changed your “…whole damn belief system.” You now are in re-examining your long held positions on gay marriage, legalization of weed and bestiality. If you can manage to make the announcement while dragging on a ganja joint at the same time, all the better.

Lastly, tell them that not only do you believe in gay marriage, you’ve been performing some gay marriages every weekend in Massachusetts in order to earn some extra coin. After all you say “Might as well get some use out of the robe on the weekends. Other wise its just hanging there in the closet.”

I hope this helps.

Judicially yours,
Justplainwill

Just Plain Will

J. P. Will is a noted counselor, spiritual adviser and advice giver to the stars as well as the star-crossed. A former goat-herder and Arctic explorer, Will is the proud holder of a GED as well as a Certificate of Attendance of the Naples, Florida School of Online Tooth Extraction and Snow Removal. He also studied psychotherapy in Vienna, which he proudly points out is located about 75 miles due north of Hahira, Georgia.

All of these accomplishments make him as qualified to give advice as... er, well... anybody else.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there are many who think that Justplainwill is an alter ego of frequent Dew contributor, Will Cantrell ( furthering the notion that Cantrell needs a new, different, and better personality.) On the other hand, Cantrell, in a recent meeting with our editors, vehemently denied and disavowed any knowledge of Justplainwill's existence. (“Just plain who? Never heard of the jerk... that is unless he says that he owes me money”, said Cantrell.) Despite Cantrell's protestations and what we are sure was feigned indignation, we at Offices of The Dew have our suspicions --- especially since no one has ever seen both Justplainwill and Cantrell at the same place at the same time.

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