Apparently Rick Santorum is going to be countering Mitt Romney’s rip-roaring bout of nothingness with a speech of his own. The topic will ostensibly be what a President Santorum would do during his first 100 days in office, which sounds like the plot of any number of bad movies, all of which end with somebody or multiple somebodies getting nuked. (Given that it’s going to be given at 8 o’clock on a Friday night, it also has all the hallmarks of a weekend news dump.)
We’ve settled on “100 days” as being a nice, pointless measurement of presidential accomplishments. I assume this is because after that point, most of the staff is moved in, you’ve learned where the bathrooms are, and if you haven’t fixed the economy or achieved world peace yet it’s your own damn fault for being lazy. But Rick Santorum’s first 100 days? One shudders to imagine. So let’s imagine!
Day 1: Announces the Presidential Morality Corps, a group of bitter old cranks who will scour the countryside looking for people holding hands out of wedlock, beating offenders with rulers.
Day 2: Bombs Google headquarters.
Day 4: FDA rescinds approval of all forms of birth control, including the rhythm method.
Day 7: Proposes the Inefficient Lightbulbs for Jesus Act.
Day 9: Explains why God wants us to bomb Iran. Explains that if God didn’t want us to bomb Iran, he would have given them nuclear weapons to defend themselves with.
Day 10: Bombs Iran.
Day 14: Announces new dress code for federal employees. Men: sweatervests. Women: full-length knitted burkas.
Day 22: FBI announces sweeping new anti-sodomy investigations. The President informs Congress that as a result of the War on Sodomy, constitutional protections against domestic espionage no longer apply.
Day 45: Secretary of State Sarah Palin causes minor scandal when she confuses Iran with San Francisco. To avoid admitting error, Republicans cede California to Iran.
Day 47: Secretary of State Sarah Palin says she suspects California of having nuclear weapon facilities, and that she can see them from her house.
Day 55: Proposes the Drill for Jesus Act.
Day 62: Medicare replaced by new faith-based insurance. If you get sick, it’s because God wants you to die.
Day 63: Proposes the Deregulate Wall Street for Jesus Act
Day 64: Announces new dress code for visitors to federal offices. Men: full-length knitted burkas. Women: no longer allowed in federal offices.
Day 70: Proposes the Club a Baby Seal for Jesus Act
Day 72: Proposes the Global Warming for Jesus Act
Day 81: Secretary of State Michele Bachmann announces that she believes France has nuclear weapons while speaking at the funeral of former secretary Sarah Palin, who died after slipping on baby seal blood during White House Easter preparations.
Day 82: Announces the dissolution of the Federal Reserve; American monetary policy will be set directly by Goldman Sachs.
Day 83: Announces the federal government will no longer be prosecuting hate crimes, so long as the perpetrator truly believed his victim was a heathen and/or immoral person while beating/murdering them.
Day 89: Announces in televised address that polar bears are agents of Satan, and that they deserve to be wiped out. Initiates military action to do so. Informs Congress that because of the War on Polar Bears and/or Sodomy and/or Birth Control, constitutional prohibitions against the quartering of troops no longer apply.
Day 91: Secretary of State Michele Bachmann announces that she believes the Vatican has nuclear weapons capabilities, and may be providing nuclear materials to Iran, California, and Department of the Interior head Richard Cheney.
Day 97: After sustained bombing campaign against the Vatican, declares himself the new Pope. Informs Congress that because of the War on Satan, all remaining constitutional protections no longer apply.
Day 98: Pardons former Secretary of State Michele Bachman for crimes against humanity at the urgings of new Secretary of State, Mr. Buttons, a cat with markings that look somewhat like Jesus high-fiving Ronald McDonald.
Day 99: Presents Presidential Medal of Freedom to George W. Bush after historians announce Bush can no longer be considered the worst president in American History.