A new controversy has emerged that is threatening to overshadow the impending Iowa presidential caucuses.
It was reported yesterday that Cheetah, Tarzan’s beloved sidekick had passed anyway in Florida. He was 80, enjoyed painting, and occasionally threw feces at people he didn’t like.
But Tamara Lush of the Associated Press filed a story yesterday throwing doubt on reports of the death. Several animal parks as well as two individuals have claimed to have the original chimp, but all said that Cheetah had swung on his last vine many years ago.
That should shut the door on Cheetahgate, but secret documents unearthed by this reporter show a widespread conspiracy to cover up the real story of Tarzan’s pal.
According to reports made available under the Freedom of Information about Chimpanzee Movie Stars Act, Cheetah retired in 1960. In 1970 he was admitted to a top-secret program at the School of Experimental Veterinary Medicine at the University of South North Dakota San Jose campus. There a team of surgeons headed by Dr. Farley Hibbenson treated Cheetah with a combination of human DNA, vitamins, human birth hormones, and a diet of beets and banana cream pie.
The result was the transformation of the chimp into a functioning human being.
The re-engineered primate was put in a foster home in an undisclosed location while his metamorphosis from chimp to human progressed. The documents said the combination of human growth hormones and the pie actually reversed his biological clock.
While at the foster home living under an assumed name, stories reporting his death and/or disappearance were leaked to select reporters.
The now human Cheetah graduated from Hollywood High with combined SAT scores of 946. He also lettered in wrestling and was a member of the glee club.
He attended UCLA but did not graduate.
Writers and investigators have long suspected that the truth about Cheetah was being suppressed. His sudden withdrawal from public life plus conflicting stories of his death have sparked conspiracy theories for years.
In his book “The Chimp Among Us,” writer and conspiracy fanatic Hoskins Blunt theorized that Cheetah was actually an alien being and was living as a Dalmatian in Wichita.
According to reliable sources, however, the human Cheetah has doggedly pursued a long-held dream. He earned his degree in political science from Degree University, an online school based in Wales. Subsequently he became active politically.
He is now a Republican congressman from Texas.