I have a new retirement scheme.
As a UGA professor, I’m a part of the state’s optional retirement system, one separate from the teacher retirement plan. As an untenured assistant professor a million years ago, I couldn’t risk not getting tenure and thus losing money put into the account should I have to leave UGA for another university.
In other words, my TIAA-CREF account relies heavily on the stock market to pay for my golden years. If you have a sore neck from watching the ups and downs of the market lately, you understand how disconcerting this can be.
At UGA, “optional” means you have only the option of retiring, not actually doing so.
In a few years I’ll waddle to class behind a walker, an IV stuck in my arm to keep myself properly medicated. Or I can turn to an exciting new supplemental retirement plan that involves me as a member of several class action lawsuits that I wasn’t even aware that I was participating in to begin with. Until recently, that is. To explain, in the past couple of weeks I’ve received three emails giving me the good news – I’m part of a class action decisions that will mean money in my pocket. They are:
- Ticketmaster. Apparently I attended a concert sometime in my past. In this case, I’m part of “a nationwide class of consumers” (known as the “Class”) who bought tickets through Ticketmaster’s web site (known as “the Website”) between Oct. 21, 1999 and Oct. 19, 2011 (known as the “Class Period”) and followed by a crapload of other legalese that tells me Ticketmaster is accused of deceptive and misleading tactics in hiding costs. What do I get? A buck-fifty for some concert I don’t remember, probably in Atlanta.
- iTunes. Yep, like everyone else I’ve bought an iTunes card or two (or a million as safe holiday gifts for nephews and nieces I barely know). Some of the cards were labeled as “songs for 99¢” when songs often sold for $1.29. Bad Apple. Rotten Apple. In this deal, I get a $3.25 iTunes Store credit to buy, I suppose, songs for more than 99¢. This is a “top settlement” according to one site that tracks this stuff.
- Classmates.com. My favorite. You may have seen this online site, and my high school reunion used it, which led to me in a moment of weakness to foolishly create an account there. Among other things, the lawsuit claims that “Classmates sent e-mail to subscribers of www.classmates.com that violated the law and the privacy rights of subscribers.” In less legal terms, they annoyed the hell out of you with stuff they made up and they wouldn’t go away, no matter how often and how nicely you asked. This is a big score. I may rake in as much as $10.
If there’s a lesson here, it’s that you have to spend money to make money. Spend enough, spread it around, and somewhere somehow, some sleazy company will get caught doing dirty and you’ll reap tens of dollars in future settlements. That’s enough to help fund a retirement plan based largely on me stealing from a bowl whatever food the cat doesn’t eat.
It’s a plan.