Nitwit Newz

In Medical News – Man speaks out of ass:

Though long suspected, Hank Williams Jr. (aka Bocephus) has proved he is not only unusually slow-witted but can actually talk out of his hindquarters. Hank proudly disseminated his very own personal brand of stupid via Fox News and the internet this week and got himself fired. Millions were elated when they realized they never have to hear “Are ya ready fer some futtbal?” again.

(Photo by gongus / Creative Commons)

In a related story ESPN executives are in a dizzying state of confusion.“Normally we don’t do anything in good taste” one network executive was quoted as saying, “Firing a dumbshit is not something we are used to doing; normally we hire them.” The brouhaha has continued with some media types claiming that Junior’s freedom of speech had been violated. This ain’t quite true, since unfortunately, when everyone on Planet Earth has heard what Junior had to say for the umpteenth million time, that is the very definition of freedom of speech. Attorneys for both sides interviewed the U.S. Constitution today, and though very old and dry, his paper thin voice could be heard saying, “I will continue to protect Hank to say really dumb stuff, even though this isn’t what I should be spending my time on.”

In Political Newz:

Congress is considering an amendment only guaranteeing free speech to non-stupid people. Fox News and Alabama are vigorously protesting this new development.

The GOP has introduced a bill called the Non-Factual Bill which will prevent anyone from using “facts” in any form of political speech. A fact was defined as “anything provably true or anything we don’t agree with.” There is also a clause preventing Paul Krugman from saying anything smart.

Sarah Palin has announced that she will not run for president; comedians worldwide are crushed, millions of unused jokes clog nation’s landfills.

Michelle Bachman is still running for president (also a joke, though not altogether funny.)

Today’s WTF Moment: (What’s in a name)

Mitt Romney protested today that his good name has been slandered. He strongly professes to be a Christian, or at least Christian-like. He likes to wear magic Mormon underwear, and he believes that Obama is from the socialist country of Hawaii. All of this is in accordance with the Mormon John Smith Bible, Utah version 2.0 Church of Latter-Day Something Or Others. But good name? You really want a president named Mitt? Just how dull a kid do you have to be that your parents resort to calling you Mitt? That’s sorta like being named “Slab” or “Gumdrop,” names which might work in the south but not anywhere book lernin’ is taken seriously … just sayin’.

Crime Report:

What goes clipclop, clipclop, clipclop, snippity,snip, snip, clipclop, clipclop, clipclop,
Answer: An Amish Drive-By
A trio of disgruntled Amish dudes forcibly trimmed the beard and hair of another Amish man due to a religious disagreement. Amish men typically grow beards as adults and stop trimming them when they marry, and the beards are held in high esteem. On Saturday, Jefferson County authorities arrested 38-year-old Johnny Mullet and 26-year-old Lester Mullet, (though neither was sporting a mullet) and another man, 53-year-old Levi Miller, on burglary and kidnapping charges (Ironically no valuables were taken nor was a ransom demanded – it appears there is nothing worth stealing in an Amish household.) The victim suffered a “high and tight haircut” and a neat beard trimming. He was quoted as saying “Ya, I’m just really pissed, I look much younger now.” Punishment for this type of behavior can be severe; the judge is considering sentencing the three men to 30 days in a beauty parlor including facials and a pedicure. They will also have to pay restitution by supplying the victim with a fright wig and a Santa Claus beard.

Local Newz:

Weeping Multitudes Jump from Cliffs:
Thousands jumped to their deaths today from high cliffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean and several, from that big-ass HOLLYWOOD sign in reaction to the news of Steve Jobs death. Most were too upset to be interviewed but one distraught man wearing the iconic black turtleneck was quoted before jumping as saying, “I don’t want to live in a world run by Windows 7; can you imagine being seen listening to a Zune in public?” Then he was gone, his last words were “Steve is Great, Steve is great, Steve is gr…umsphlat.”

International Newz:

The head Bishop of catholicville once again rebuked Italy’s prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi for exhibiting immense moral failings, a really bad haircut, along with participating in orgies and debauchery and engaging in deceitful politics and massive corruption. The Bishop went on to say, “Stop messing with our territory; this is our area of expertise! It’s what we do best. Have you heard of the Inquisition? Yeah, we invented that! … In yo Face, Berlusconi!”

And finally tonight in Fashion Newz:

A Butt Enhancement Death / Philadelphia PA
A British tourist recently died after she allegedly flew to Philadelphia to get silicone injections into her buttocks at a Hampton Inn, sources say. Police are executing a search warrant at the Hampton Inn on Bartram Avenue Tuesday afternoon with suspicions that someone is renting rooms in which he or she performs butt implant procedures.

People, people, people, when will you ever learn? Always make sure your butt enhancements are performed by a qualified motel employee, preferably a manager or desk clerk. Ask for multiple references. Always chose a motel that has the word “Deluxe” or “Supremo” in the name before having your butt enhanced.

Top ten questions our resident fashion expert Sleazy DuJour says to ask your Butt Enhancement Specialist:

1. Do you take coupons or Green Stamps?
2. I don’t have much time, how many Butt Enhancements can you do in an hour?
3. At what motel did you do your Butt Enhancement residency at?
4. What kind of license do you have? – Drivers / Fishing / Big Rig / Hunting / Other – Check all that apply.
5. What kind of vodka do you use for anesthesia? (If they say Grey Goose, call your friends)
6. Are there any examples of your work loitering around in the parking lot I could see?
7. Do you ever get a lopsided result?
8. Will I need new pants after this?
9. Is there a discount for only doing one cheek?
10. Will I ruin my car seat driving home?

And that’s the way it is …

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Trevor Stone Irvin

Trevor Stone Irvin

Illustrator and Designer living in the Candler Park area...At one time I worked at the Atlanta Constitution and then for CNN at the startup...it all seemed too much like real work so I went freelance...which my father defined as "being unemployed for a real long time".