Southern Funnies

In a week when we got clobbered again by a wild Wall Street ride — worse than my blood pressure without meds–and stories of debris the size of a school bus falling out of the sky, I think we’re all due for some humor! And I didn’t even mention the shenanigans of our lawmakers… yikes!

So tonight after dinner, my wife delighted me by pulling out an old Red Green video. Some people doubt my sense of good taste laughing along to this old geezer from Canada who is head of  the PBS Possum Lodge series. Every week he’s joined by a flock of fellow madcap loonies who use a lot of duct tape, invent imaginative contraptions that seldom work as planned, and try to come up with questionable schemes to make money.

On this particular show, Red was again pondering the fate of Joe Six-pack, the ordinary rapidly aging and befuddled male. Here’s what I wrote down from the monologue:

“I think I figured out the exact moment when men went terribly off track. It wasn’t the first Super Bowl or a Village People concert. Or when they introduced bottomless drinks at the topless bar.

“It was the day somebody invented automatic transmissions. That changed us forever. Suddenly driving a car was easy. That’s the bad thing. Men only like two things to be easy — exams and women. And we don’t study for either one of them.

“Driving needs to be difficult because if a man is doing something that doesn’t take both hands and both feet, his mind will wander and he certainly won’t stop and ask for directions.

“And if you ask me, women would prefer to date a guy who has a standard transmission, ‘cause if he’s a young man he’s got to keep his hands to himself and if he’s an old guy, there’s less chance that his leg will fall asleep.

“Next time you buy a car, get one with a clutch and a gear shift. Let’s go back to the days when our careers were moving forward and our cars were stalling and not the other way around.”

We both laughed and agreed that Red’s chronicle was a pretty good summary of the facts of life in today’s world. God save us all.

Possum Lodge Man’s Prayer: “I’m a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.”

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David Evans

I'm retired from another life and live in the mountains of eastern West Virginia with my muse Jody along with one remaining dog.  We've decided no more dogs and cats.  Losing them is just too painful. Being independent and no longer in the reins of someone else's driver, I now have the chance to revisit the many people and places that have enriched my life. The good folks at Wesleyan College in central West Virginia guided me to a graduate degree in fine arts in early 2018.  My plan is to use some of the skills I learned from two years in this creative writing program to tell my story.