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  • Writer Login


    Southern Nuts

    Testicles Put Brakes on SC Woman’s Joy Riding

    by | 6 | Jul 28, 2011

    As reported by Reuters,  Bonneau, SC police ticketed a 65 year old woman for violation of local obscenity laws earlier this month. It seems the sexagenarian’s sporting of fake (thank goodness they weren’t real) testicles from her pick-up were enough to get the constabulary’s underwear in a bundle.

    According to the report, South Carolina law considers a bumper sticker, decal or device indecent when it describes, in an offensive way as determined by contemporary community standards, “sexual acts, excretory functions, or parts of the human body.”

    Bonneau Police Chief Franco Fuda apparently experienced significant shrinkage upon seeing the dangling bits jiggle about in the woman’s truck, unabashedly on full public display. The fine for violation of the ordinance weighs in at a pencil stiffening  $445.00.

    The alleged violator, Ms. Virginia Tice, could not be reached for comment though is reported to see no harm in her fuzzy dice alternative. The Charleston law firm of Savage & Savage is taking on the case pro-bono, undoubtedly hoping for a swell of publicity.

    The case is creating a stir among locals and an expansion in the sales of the rubber or plastic novelties marketed by companies variously as “Bull Nutz” and “Truck Nutz.”

    In what some are calling a boner of a decision, the citation is bringing unwanted attention for the small bedroom community of Charleston.

    ###
    Michael J. Solender

    Michael J. Solender

    Michael J. Solender is a recent corporate refugee whose opinion and satire has been featured in The Richmond Times Dispatch, The Winston-Salem Journal, and Richmond Style Weekly. He writes a weekly Neighborhoods column for The Charlotte Observer and is the City Life Editor for Charlotte ViewPoint. His micro-fiction has been featured online at Bull Men’s Fiction, Calliope Nerve, Danse Macabre, Dogzplot, Gloom Cupboard, Full of Crow, Pangur Ban Party and others.

    You can find more of his work at his website and also at his blog.

     

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    • David Evans

      What a belly laugh of a story to wake up to. Thank you.

    • Frank Povah

      Saw a feller in a Dodge Ram Fatarse (you know the ones with dual wheels on the back and mirrors that overhang lanes) with a pair of chrome gonads affixed.

      Poor bastard. Not only was he obviously worried about the vertical declination and mass of his testes, but going by the amount of chrome on his truck -- not to mention witty window decorations and bumper art -- the [lack of] length of his dick must have been giving him nightmares also.

    • johnny

      I thibnk they’re a grin, I see them occasionally. Both chrome and flesh toned. And, so far, always onm a jacked up pickup. It is a free speech issue, I think these folks are entitled to speak in that fashion. It gives me a pretty good indication of their speech(es) without having to interact with them.

      --johnny

    • Tim Oliver

      I wondered if the statement was, “My truck can lick its’ own tailpipe !”

    • Chris Allinotte

      In Canada, the chrome ones are illegal -- but not for the reason you think. There’s apparently a real danger that these can fall off the truck at high speeds, where they then become a free-flying hazard to drivers behind.

      And how do you explain that to the cop?

      “What’s the last thing you remember seeing?”

      “…”

    • If she can no longer use them perhaps she could send them along to President Obama. He needs a pair.

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