Southern Beliefs

Church of the GOPI’ve just had it with all these sissy liberals and their annoying fact based politics. I want to believe what I want to believe. I like my nation Fact-Free.

If I want to believe that sneaky bitch Hillary Clinton shot and murdered White House Council, Vincent Foster … well, it’s my constitutional right as an American to embrace sheer stupidity with both arms, by damn.

If I want to believe that Obama is muslim and a burqa-lovin,’ Keyan-born, American hater … then by god he is!

If I want to believe that Catholic priests fantasize over women and god and not 10-year-old boys, who’s to stop me?

If I want to listen to Junk News, believe in Junk Science, and eat Junk Food, thinking it will illuminate, educate and nourish me … then that’s what I’ll do.

If I want to believe that Sarah Palin’s slutty daughter should be the American role-in-the-hay model for today’s youth, and that the Palin family is what we now hold up as an example of solid American Family values, well, that’s what I’m going with.

If I want to believe that Ron Paul and his dimwitted son could pass Economics 101 and don’t have their heads firmly encased in their asses then, it is so.

I don’t want facts getting in the way of my beliefs.

And most of all I want to believe something new in politics will occur next time around … Color me crazy.

I Believe: In a “4way” this next election – A Bachman-Palin-Trump-Romney ticket. Trump will bring his vast experience with bankruptcy to the table, not to mention his extensive “family values” (how many families does he have now?) while Mitt, wearing his Magic Mormon Underwear will display his unique brand of self-loathing, campaigning against the, commie-socialist program he himself created to singlehandedly destroy healthcare in Massachusetts. This will dovetail nicely with “Sarah da Terror” and “Bitchman” holding down the “complete imbecile vote” with their televised and very popular “Girl on Girl, Guns ‘n’ Jell-O Shots debates.”

I Believe: That Obama’s birth certificate is a clever Hawaiian fake.  I’ll even go further; I don’t believe Hawaiians are American. I have it on good authority (Glenn Beck) that they are all Polynesian immigrants who “sneaked over the ocean” on a couple of flimsy rafts, apparently looking for easy, under-the-table, pineapple-harvesting work (living off the “Dole”, so to speak.) Furthermore, I suspect Hawaiians pray to a surfing, Polynesian-Muslim deity of some sort, rather than to the American-born Jesus.  Only Donald could have cleared this up for us.

I Believe : That “The Donald,” will use his well-documented good taste to re-decorate the drab White House and whore it up a little. The White House renovation will proceed quickly and under budget due to the use of Donald’s Mob contacts and Mexicans (who will be promptly deported back to Juárez by the head of Homeland Security, Shur-uff Joe Arpaio right before completion.) America will forget about the housing crisis and excitedly embrace The Donald’s innovative architectural vernacular, “Nouveau Pimp Revival.”

I believe that we will balance the budget, not on Paul Krugman’s elitist Nobel Prize winning advice, but on the profits made from Sarah Palin’s new reality show, So You Wanna be a Skank.

I Believe: Donald will bring down gas prices by, as he said, “going to OPEC and telling them to lower their prices, or else.”  I believe he will scare them into submission with his implausibly small, beady eyes and his mighty comb-over pelt, a graft made from the hair of a wild bore’s ass.

I Believe: That godless, over-educated, liberal fact-checkers are responsible for the decline of America.

Maybe it was the three idiots who voted for “Ralph Vader” in the 2000 election, their votes being enough to throw the election to the Supreme Court of Jackasses who put that Presidential Putz in the White House.

Or maybe it was the butterfly ballot and that hotbed of Buchanan supporters in Palm Beach?  Perhaps they thought the name “Buchanan” had a slightly orthodox jewish ring to it, and were justifiably confused.

No matter, whoever it was, I believe it had to have been a liberal, an anti-American, god-hating, baby-killin,’ gun-banning, public-school educated, fact-waving, hippie Liberal.

And against my better judgment I’m going to believe in Trickledown Economics. Though as a young man, I had bigger dreams and wanted a piece of the pie, but I’ll settle for a trickle at this point.

Yes, belief in markets that magically regulate themselves and in life in the hereafter comes easily to some … and I want piece of that action.

I Believe: We need to bring this country to its knees quickly, quietly and painlessly, and start all over, someplace else, like France or Argentina.

So whatever you do, wherever you go, whomever you vote for, don’t let facts get in the way … Just close your mind and “Believe.” Welcome to the Church of the GOP, we’ll be serving tea.

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Trevor Stone Irvin

Trevor Stone Irvin

Illustrator and Designer living in the Candler Park area...At one time I worked at the Atlanta Constitution and then for CNN at the startup...it all seemed too much like real work so I went freelance...which my father defined as "being unemployed for a real long time".