Dear Justplainwill

Justplainwill will now take your questions. Have questions about life? Love? Relationships? Homework? Or even ” Is Donald Trump nuts?” Write Justplainwill.

Dear Justplainwill:

My allergies are worst than ever. They are just killing me. Do you think that it’s because the pollen count is higher than normal this year? And who counts all those pollens anyway, Justplainwill?

Allergia
Atlanta, GA

Woman Sneezing - Licensed from Dreamstime.com by LikeTheDew.comDear Allergia:

Forget the Pollen Count!

The plain truth is that there is just no such thing as a pollen counter or as the government would call him or her, a ‘CPA’ – Certified Pollen Accountant. In reality, the pollen counter is about as real as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny.

Ever played the lottery, Allergia, say Fantasy Five? Have you ever noticed that the pollen count is the EXACT same number as the Fantasy Five Number from the previous night? Yep, the pollen counter is the same guy, who announces the Fantasy Five numbers.

Check it out for yourself. Justplainwill would not lie about a thing like this.

Allergia, even the government knows that the whole notion of ‘the pollen count’ is one of the great ‘get-overs’ of our times and makes about as much sense as tallying raindrops during a thunderstorm. Instead of announcing the number of pollen spores in the air, somebody on The Weather Channel ought to either say “It’s safe to go outside today” or “Ah-ah-ah –aaaaahh-chew!”

I hope that this helps. By the way, Gezundheit!

Your pal,

Justplainwill

Dear Mr. Justplainwill:

Lately, I notice an awful lot of people, particularly civilians, wearing camouflage clothing. Are we getting ready to go to war and I haven’t been told? I used to be a Washington insider, but it sure looks like I am out of the loop on this one. What’s the story on all the camouflage clothes, Justplainwill?

Colin P.
Washington, D.C.

Woman in Camo - licensed from Dreamstime.com by LikeTheDew.com
Noveau chic

Dear Colin:

I too, pay particular attention to what people have the nerve to wear in public. Sometimes — and lately — it’s not always a pretty sight. I am pretty sure that it’s because of the recession. For example, yesterday, I saw a woman wearing a two piece affair that I am pretty sure was her living room draperies just last week. The fabric not only looked like drapery material, but she was also wearing a curtain rod. The thing that really tipped me off though was that she was using the drawstring to open and shut the drapes so that she was also flashing me. (Nice body, though.)

Colin, to more directly answer your question, camouflage is the new chic.

Just last week, I visited the newest example of both retail overkill and how mall merchandisers will invariably run a good thing into the ground: Camo Depot Stores.

Once inside, a big banner boasts AMERICA’S PREMIER CAMOUFLAGE EXPEREINCE. Pants and shirts, socks and shoes, hats and boots, overcoats and underwear, key chains and sunglasses, the place is awash in camouflage. Dark-camo, light-camo, brown-camo, green-camo, orange-camo, even pink and purple camo is on the shelves as far as the eye can see.

As I browse, a clerk, dressed from head to toe in military green camouflage fatigues, comes to my assistance: He’s a dead ringer for a young, albeit shorter, Fidel Castro.

“I am here to look at a pair of pants. What’s this?” I ask Fidel, pointing to an outlandish camo combination of orange and gray. It doesn’t look like any of the others.

“That’s blurred-camo, sir.”

“Blurred-camo!?”

“Sure, sir. Blurred. Makes it even harder for the enemy to see.”

“The enemy? …Wha? … Where’s the price tag? … I guess you’ve camouflaged that too?”

“These are ninety-nine dollars, sir.”

“Ninety-nine dollars!? Son, your enemy is the guy who priced these pants.”

“Sir, I’ll have you know that these are designer camos. They are our biggest seller. But if you are too poor or too cheap to buy designer camos, you might want to look at these.”

Fidel brings his hands up to eye level. He’s holding a belt.

“I need to buy some cargo shorts. That’s not a pair of shorts. It’s a belt.”

“Sir, look closely,” he says. I can tell that Fidel is exasperated and I am begining to wonder if under all of that camouflage, whether or not he’s also armed? “You’ll notice that there a full set of pants under this belt. Here let me hold them up towards the ceiling light for you. This is our ‘camo-camo’ pattern, sir.”

“I can hardly see ‘em.”

“Neither can the enemy. That’s the whole point.”

“Camo-camo? How do you even …

“…. you need special infra-red night vision goggles to …

“Special goggles!? … to do what?”

“…to find these pants in the closet … and to see how to put them on. You’ll also need to wear the goggles in the men’s room to unzip. The pants sell for only three dollars.

“That sounds like a deal … but ell me, how much are the special goggles?”

“Ninety-five dollars!”

So, as I learned Colin, camouflage is not just the province of the military, deer hinters and the homeless anymore. It is noveau chic. Of course, the prices on the new chic camo might make you homeless.

Your pal,
Justplainwill

Dear Justplainwill:

I live in one of the few states in the union that doesn’t allow liquor sales on Sunday.

Sometimes, after the pastor’s sermon, I feel like I just need a good stiff martini. Sometimes, it would even be better if I could have a drink before the pastor’s sermon. What can I do about buying liquor on Sunday, Justplainwill?

Slim
Dunwoody, GA

Sunday $ales-BeerMug licensed from Dreamstime.com by LikeTheDew.comDear Slim:

It looks like Georgia State legislature has finally come into the 21st Century — at least on this one issue and is going to actually allow citizens to vote on the matter in a few months. Can you believe it, Slim?

I am planning on voting for liquor sales on Sunday, myself. ‘Of course, I admit we will run the risk of the state legislators now being as drunk on Sundays that they apparently are on the other days of the week. So in that sense, it’s a little problematical. All in all though, it’s progress

Now if we could just get those people at Chick-Fil-A to sell chicken on Sundays, we’d really have something.

Your pal,
Justplainwill

Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or even “is that Donald Trump out of his ever lovin mind? I mean if he wins, who would he make Secretary of Defense? …Meatloaf?” Write [email protected].

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Just Plain Will

Just Plain Will

J. P. Will is a noted counselor, spiritual adviser and advice giver to the stars as well as the star-crossed. A former goat-herder and Arctic explorer, Will is the proud holder of a GED as well as a Certificate of Attendance of the Naples, Florida School of Online Tooth Extraction and Snow Removal. He also studied psychotherapy in Vienna, which he proudly points out is located about 75 miles due north of Hahira, Georgia.

All of these accomplishments make him as qualified to give advice as... er, well... anybody else.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there are many who think that Justplainwill is an alter ego of frequent Dew contributor, Will Cantrell ( furthering the notion that Cantrell needs a new, different, and better personality.) On the other hand, Cantrell, in a recent meeting with our editors, vehemently denied and disavowed any knowledge of Justplainwill's existence. (“Just plain who? Never heard of the jerk... that is unless he says that he owes me money”, said Cantrell.) Despite Cantrell's protestations and what we are sure was feigned indignation, we at Offices of The Dew have our suspicions --- especially since no one has ever seen both Justplainwill and Cantrell at the same place at the same time.