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Thursday, April 24, 2014
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    Southern Views

    Rabbit Ears Redux

    by | Apr 10, 2011
    The recession demanded it.

    The damn thing just pounded its iron fist on the table and said “Give it up, dammit!”

    Nonetheless it was a sad occasion. I’d looked forward to the monthly game of deciding whether to buy groceries or pay unconscionable prices for Cable-TV being piped into the house. Lately Cable-TV has become little more than ambient, background noise provided by what surely must be scripted reality shows, televangelists dressed in sheep’s clothing and  infomercials telling me that “Individual Results May Vary”.

    © James Steidl | Dreamstime.com

    That I could still play a shell game with cable-TV as one of the players was my own litmus test, a barometer of how well I was doing. Warren Buffett has his own measuring stick. Cable was mine, plebian and superfical though it might be. The game was immensely amusing and I was always interested in seeing how things turned out myself. On a more than a few occasions, cable won. It had a laudable record too. The crisis developed when the others got wind of the proceedings and insisted upon their own seat at the table.

    “Why choose cable as your barometer … your so-called litmus test”, one said dersively.  “Why not one of the rest of us? We’re all the recession, ya know.”

    “He’s exciting. Besides he brings The Golf Channel, MLB and all of the other games with him. Sometimes he even shows up with pretty women.”

    “Look buddy boy, you’re forcing our hand. We didn’t want to do it this way, but you’re delusional. This is an intervention”

    “Wha …?!

    “It’s for your own good. We’re the ones, who feed and clothe you  … and you’re in no shape to keep all of us. You’re just barely employed. Just barely hanging on. Get rid of the cable or else you never receive our services again. ”

    “You can’t be serious.”

    “We assure you that we are. If you want to eat, take a shower, or have air conditioning this summer, do it. Now!”

    Then the fist pounding started. Thus, last week, I overthrew the cable. Got rid of it … threw it out with the garbage as if it were forgotten leftovers.

    ______________________________________

    The consolation prize of overthrowing the cable is a retrograde return to FREE-TV.  You’ve no doubt heard of FREE–TV. It has origins in the Pleistocene Age of broadcasting, a time when all TV programs were transmitted via the air in the same manner as the common cold, rumor, gossip, innuendo and house flies.

    Of course, as with almost anything labeled as such, “FREE-TV” is not without baggage. The picture quality was very often fuzzy, the sound choppy, and the actual programming often devoid of plausibility. Signal clarity, say in Atlanta, Georgia,  was highly dependent upon factors such as the absence of airplane flyovers, the complete cessation of any kind of physical movement inside the TV room itself, what our next door neighbors were having for dinner and wind gusts in the Aleutians. Sometimes it was a big accomplishment to get any TV reception at all.

    During the days before cable (“B.C.”), the best way of getting TV reception was with the use of “rabbit ears”, one of the worst outcomes of the 1950’s along with Mickey Mouse ears, McCarthyism and the Edsel. Rabbit ears were the electronic equivalent of fishing rods. They snagged, from the air, any TV signals that happen to be passing through the neighborhood on their way somewhere else.

    In the same way as angling for fish or the opposite sex, attracting TV signals was delicate, nuanced — and decidedly random.  As with fish or the opposite sex, some kind of bait was often helpful.  Dabbing the tips of the rabbit ears with Fire Engine Red nail polish was effective for some households. In my own neighborhood,  dipping the rabbit ears in Freako’s Bar-Be-Que sauce produced amazing picture clarity.

    Good television  reception was also dependent upon the time of day, the angle of the sun, and the proper alignment of the three Outer planets of the Solar System.  At my house, rabbit ears had to face 37 degrees and 22 seconds and 35 arc seconds north by northeast from the azimuth, assuming that the wind was blowing at less than 12.6 miles per hour. You get the picture.  (Well, sometimes you didn’t get the picture.)

    On occasion, getting a picture on the ol’ Admiral or the Philco meant talking, cajoling — or threatening — another household member into grabbing  the base of the antenna while standing on their head and holding the rabbit ears pointed in the right direction with their left foot or some such. Even after all of these machinations, the outcome was never guaranteed.

    “Individual Results May Vary”, we all learned.

    For a very long time, FREE-TV was all that we had. In those days, not paying for electronic entertainment was our birthright,  like clean restrooms on the highway or toilets anywhere. Of course, just as the whole country had gotten use to the idea of FREE-TV as well as finally figuring out how to work the rabbit’s ears, somebody got the bright idea to run TV signals through a wire instead of through the ether. They then went about the land convincing people that the world would be a much better place if we paid for what we heretofore had gotten for free. It was about this same time that somebody had the same idea with tap water: put it in bottles, market it as “pure spring water” and conning the public that it was healthier, more romantic and therefore worth paying for.”

    Paying for stuff that heretofore was free, or nearly so, became the rage.  Pretty soon businesses flocked to the idea of pay–toilets, the elimination of free checking accounts, and charging $4.95 for a fifty cents cup of coffee.

    I now pray that the guy out there somewhere, who’s mulling over the re-packaging of air,  will be kidnapped, detained forever in Iran, or worse, stuck in line at one of those diversity job fairs.

    ______________________________________

    As with any kind of revolution or overthrow, regime change is not without its hazards … its own uncertainties. Present day FREE-TV viewing is still the video equivalent of riding a roller coaster with no seat belt. Similar to its predecessor of the 1950’s and 60’s, present day FREE-TV produces a telecast that has holes in it in terms of both sight and sound.  The enjoyment of the sport still requires the absence of airplanes buzzing overhead, no physical movement by persons in the room, and calm winds in the Falkland Islands.

    Thus my old rabbit ears have been pressed into service — out of the closet as it were. And while the picture quality is still not nearly as good as on the cable, I am no longer required to write an exorbitant monthly check to those folks over at Bombcast.

    ______________________________________

    Of late, my “thirty-somethingish” neighbor, who lives three doors down, has been laid off his job. (I knew that the recession was not over.) If it is a lengthy lay-off, he is sure to overthrow the cable.  The recession will likely demand it. Not being a Baby Boomer, he has no clue as to how to do the dance with rabbit ears — if he even knows what they are.

    Being the neighborly sort,  I think that I’ll go down and console him … give him a gentle welcome him to the Recession Club,  as it were. I’ll take him a beer, a Red Stripe. I’ve got an extra set of rabbit ears. He may soon need them. I can perhaps train him in the nuances of rabbit ear use. I wonder if his wife or kid can be trained to stand on their head and hold the rabbit ears with their feet?

    Of course, I hope he understands that “Individual Results May Vary”.

    ©Copyright 2011 Will Cantrell

    ###
    Will Cantrell

    Will Cantrell

    Will Cantrell (a pseudonym) is a humorist, author, and speechwriter.  He is a graduate of Georgia Tech and a former banker. The legend is that at an early age he wandered South, got lost and, like most males, was loathe to ask anyone for directions. He was recently sighted somewhere close to I-285, still lost and saying that he was trying to “...write his way home.” Of course, there are a lot of people who suspect that “Cantrell ain't wrapped too tight” but hope that he keeps writing about his experiences as he finds his way back to the main highway.

    Will has recently completed a first book entitled "The Color Fuqua — a mostly true collection of modern tall tales." He is currently involved in writing a second book, "Nouns and Other Issues."

    Below, is what one recent editor said about him:

    Will Cantrell has issues...and ideas... and questions---big ones---- and they often keep him up at night. Cell phones, fast food restaurants, intrepid weathermen, egg yolks, volcanoes, color blindness, election polls, ketchup and “…the hell why doesn't Martha Stewart teach people something useful like how to make their own gasoline instead of how to make lemonade.”  These are just a few of the things that trouble him. He's also puzzled about why people talking loudly on cell phones ALWAYS manage to sit next to him on the bus … as well as everywhere else. Will’s got a host of other issues, too numerous to list here. And while all of this is unlucky for him, it’s fortunate for us because he writes about them all in that hilarious way that is only Cantrell’s.

    Lucky for us, Will's issues are the same ones that vex the rest of us too. And Cantrell “comes with solutions.” Be warned though, Will Cantrell does not think like you and me.  Through Will's quirky way of viewing the world, and everything in it, he's come up with different kinds of solutions for life's issues and problems. Or, as Cantrell says, he has  “…different problems for life's solutions.”

    Now that you've been warned, be prepared to be delighted as you follow Will Cantrell's romp through life and his search for answers to the questions that baffle, befuddle and puzzle us all.

     

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    • http://hannah.smith-family.com/ Monica Smith

      Not trying to one-up you, but I haven’t had cable since 2003 when I moved to New Hampshire for a few years. There it’s still possible to get a couple of local channels with rabbit ears, even after the conversion to HD, if the TV is receptive. On the Georgia coast, rabbit ears don’t pull in any picture, but they do a great job with NPR — much better than my weather radio which keeps losing the signal. Radio on the TV is a lot like big-box radio used to be — something to listen to and look at. As an added bonus, there’s snow on the screen.

      • http://bigboomtheory.blogspot.com Will Cantrell

        Thanks for your comment, Monica. By the way, you can bet that those TV signals are hanging around the coast somewhere. Hell, Monica, everyone … even TV pixies (what I call the pixels) like to go to the beach. Try dipping the tips of the rabbit ears in Freako’s Bar-Be-Que sauce. It always worked for us when I was growing up. Thanks again. Will

    • Meg Gerrish

      Welcome, Will, to the ranks of the unencumbered! We dumped cable over a year ago and besides the obvious (FREE TV!), we also enjoy — hang on — better picture quality. See, besides the obvious benefit of not paying for the evening entertainment, our picture arrives “uncompressed,” so the quality we previously paid extra for is now also…FREE!

      I love watching television, lord knows I do, but we were overwhelmed by the click-click-clicking that went with not actually watching anything. Click, click, click. Now, there aren’t that many options to click to, so the tendency is, you got there because you WANT to watch that program. Release the remote and watch. It’s great! And you know what else is great? We rarely land on programs featuring Sarah Palin. Yeah for us!

      Recommendation: Get an outdoor antenna (we use one by Antenna Direct, their ClearStream model). And if you have an extra computer lying around (a Windows model), pop an HD version tuner into a USB port (AVerMedia) and use Windows Media Center for the guide and to even record something when you’re not around. It’s like having TIVO, but also it’s FREE! (After you pay for the antenna and tuner.)

      Enjoy!

    • http://bigboomtheory.blogspot.com Will Cantrell

      Dear Meg:

      Outside antenna!!!!!!!?????? Are you kiddin’ me, Meg? Fess up. You’re trying to get me killed, aren’t you? Aren’t you?

      Meg, your friend, Cantrell is an absolute clutz and would most likely inadvertently find a new way of falling off the roof while installing the damn thing. No, Meg, I think that I’ll just stay on solid ground and just deal with the fact that all of the TV pixels (or ‘pixies’, as I call them) don’t always want to show up for work on screen at the same place at the same time. (I figure it’s because they are not getting paid … doing ‘volunteer work’ as it were.) And besides, I think that I’ve figured out that there’s not much that I really want to see live anymore. And … there’s always (almost anyway) of getting some kind of live feed via the Internet. Lastly, on the rare occasion, when I really want to see something live, I’ll just go next door and watch their cable.

      You’re absolutely right though about some of the other benefits of FREE-TV. I no longer have to worry about Bill O’Reilly or Sean Hannity or Glenn Beck or that Sarah Palin showing up on my TV screen as I hurriedly surf by. Neither do I ever have to hear Stuart Scott on ESPN say “Bayahhhh! or some such ever again … an added bonus. Of course Martha Stewart still shows up, “ON MESSAGE” touting some new, specially made Martha Stewart Living product. There is just no escape from her. The old girl shows up whether you pay for her or not.

      Thanks so much for writing in and thanks so much for your suggestions. Well, except for the one that requires me to get up on the damn roof. Will

      • Meg Gerrish

        Thanks for the laugh and fun, Will, both in the story and the replies (“…doing volunteer work…”)! Now. If you find that the neighbors are regularly locking you out (when you stop in for cable-time, you do bring the popcorn, right?), just get the antenna, go snag some kid (best it be someone from the family so you aren’t arrested) and have the munchkin place the antenna in the attic(?).

        I agree that there isn’t much on, but first watch “Raising Hope” and then decide. It’s such trash and it’s completely hysterical.

        Stay safe, stay off the roof if that’s what it takes.

    • Nate

      Another great article Will! My wife and I also freed ourselves from the beastly cable bill. We get a few channels and find that if you flip through them fast enough it feels like you have as many channels as basic cable. The trick is not to stop flipping till you’ve gone through at least twice then you feel the satisfaction that you have as many channels of junk as you had before that you wouldn’t watch but liked having the choice of not watching.

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