With the current congressional stalemate and the upcoming election there are a lot of phrases and words being bandied about, which, while they look and sound familiar, often have entirely new meanings. To help you avoid confusion, and to help “promote the general welfare,” we offer this short guide to nuanced –and new– meaning.
This is only a beginning, and we hope to add more definitions as we fully understand them.
Americans: white people above a certain economic standard who live in the United States; descended from white people of western European origin. Some African Americans, Arabs, Jews and Cubans are accepted as white people in public settings. Asians are tolerated, but resented.
beltway: the circumferential roadway around Washington DC, inside of which bribes and payoffs are collected for redistributing the wealth of the nation to the top 12% of individuals and corporations and their purchased representatives.
boehner: to unexpectedly cry at the increases in one’s net worth.
budget, budgeting: ensuring that the 12% of the populace controlling 88% of the nation’s wealth are not burdened with any of the costs of governing the society that contributed their wealth; also, ensuring that services essential to protect wealth are adequately funded.
capitalism: evolutionary science applied to government and society.
cause and effect: a meaningless concept of interconnectedness between actions and consequences.
citizen: a tax unit with potential for full economic exploitation.
congress: a combination cocktail party, barbecue and bacchanalia where negotiations take place for the annual redistribution of the earnings of average citizens. Activities include intern boinking, “hiking the Appalachian trail,” “Newting,” junketeering, restroom trolling, and blood alcohol maintenance. Members are easily identifiable due to heightened self-importance, hubris, and lack of ironic sensibility.
communism: failed system of government which did not provide any fantasy of individual freedom with sufficient cynicism.
creationism: the one true science and theology of existence.
democrat: a foolish individual willing to throw a bone with meat left on it to a starving dog. AKA “commie” or “pinko.”
dixiecrat: old name for modern Republican party.
earmark: job security voucher.
education: studying for tests in a pre-prison environment; frequently confused with learning.
entitlement: money you give to the government for the benefit of society at large; routinely appropriated to other interests.
evolution: a false scientific theory unsuitable for knowing.
global warming: science fiction plot favored by liberals and “scientists.”
god: an invisible superior being invoked to add credence to an individual, ceremony or event; or to magically protect an incipient felony. Usually mistaken for a reference to a religious belief system, but clearly not associated with Christian principles.
government: system of societal organization that works for the people who work for the government; useful for creating new income streams; inherently a bad idea that destroys society and individual initiative.
homeless: unwilling to participate in society as Americans practice it.
illegal: non-white individuals who come from other countries to feed off of republican generosity (see oxymoron).
immigrant: non-white individuals imported for housekeeping, child care, landscape maintenance and sanitation duties.
liberal: willing to share spoils of pillage, albeit, usually unwilling to rape.
liberty: the right to remain silent.
lobbyist: paymaster to elected officials.
Native Americans: dark skinned descendants of indigenous individuals who gave us all their resources; now largely kept in casino-anchored parks.
media: news and opinion outlets and broadcasters; universally anti-Republican except on rare occasions.
patriot: dead or gravely war-wounded citizen; also, any republican or democrat, especially high dollar donors, AKA “great patriots.”
pollution: imaginary byproduct of commerce, industry and daily life.
poverty: failure to thrive economically due to unfortunate birth, educational, or other personal choices.
president: current winner of the “Who do I think I trust the most of these people I know nothing about” contest. See also: senator, representative, governor, mayor and other elective titles.
principles: fundamental moral convictions, normally sold at secret auction.
progressive: unhelpfully interested in the plight of the masses; foolishly concerned with a present and future beyond their own.
red state: geographic unit wherein the people habitually vote against themselves.
republican: right, as in correct.
socialism: christian and social justice principles applied to government; not viable, although widely used by prosperous nations.
social security: financial insecurity.
trickle down: economic platform that says “be glad I am urinating on you, for soon the groundwater will be undrinkable.” AKA Reaganomics.
Your suggestions, although welcome, will likely be ignored unless really good, in which case they will be stolen.