Uncommon Sense

Justplainwill will now answer your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? the Office? Or even “Don’t you think the police should have carted Charlie Sheen off instead of the kids?” Write Justplainwill.

Dear Justplainwill:

I have for the past several months been seeing a man and have gotten to know him, his friends and his family fairly well. They embraced me and I am tickled with them. He admittedly has said he likes to show me off, is happy his family likes me, and complimented me in many ways. We have a great time when we are together and have much in common. Over this course of this time we have talked about everything and when he has expressed a wish for help in matters concerning his teenager (single parent), his businesses, his health, etc. I gladly provided information/advice that he needed, when I could. He was happy with the success he got from this and was grateful for the help each time.

Recently he told me he does not want me in all areas of his life and basically told me how great I was but he just doesn’t have the time or want to have the time for me anymore.

So, what happened?

Confused

Dear Confused:

Good looking. Good listener. Gives good advice. Gets along well with friends and family. ‘Confused’, it sounds like you are almost too good to be true. You’re almost ‘perfect’. (Justplainwill is not being sarcastic about this.)

Therein lies the problem. I’m sure of it.

Nobody likes a know it all, ‘Confused’…even when they really do know it all. The guy probably thought that he was dating Oprah (sans billions of dollars, of course.)

Who the hell needs that kind of pressure?

From a guy’s perspective, we all know that it is very likely that at some point, any woman will say to us “Don’t call me ever again, you bum!” Specifically, all relationships eventually end either in breakup, death, … sometimes both. When asked by family, friends, and associates “Why aren’t you seeing ‘Ol Whatshername’ anymore, any guy is loathe to say “She was perfect … I was a complete idiot to let her get away.” In fact ‘Confused’, this has never been said in the annals of guydom.

Guys are highly uncomfortable with women who are perfect … or anywhere even remotely close. Men need flawed women so that when asked about the reason for the breakup, we can say that ‘Ol Whatshername’ suffered from kleptomania, pyromania, or slutomania*. Another common refrain is “She was good looking but I swear, Larry, the woman was about as dumb as a box of hammers.”

Assuming that said fella is still on the premises — or the immediate vicinity, I would suggest the following strategy (or a reasonable facsimile thereof):

The next time that said fella asks for advice such as “What should I do with my 401-K?” respond by shrugging your shoulders and saying “I dunno, beats me.” Or when asked: “Can you help me find my socks?” Respond by saying “Get ‘em your own damn self”.

Take it from a man, who has been successfully married eight times, you will be much less confused, happier and this relationship will thrive and move on to its next crisis.

Your friend,

Justplainwill

* Yeah, yeah, I know that this is really ‘nymphomania’, but ‘slutomania’ is just more fun to write.

P.S. Thanks, Confused, for sending your letter directly to the Offices of Like the Dew. Those people over at the office were thinking that I make all of this stuff up.

Dear Justplainwill:

One of my idiot assistants figured on the next big thing in fashion. “Bigger’n cargo pants,”he said. So we made these freakin’ elf shoes until they were coming out of our …well, er…we made a $%&^ load of ‘em. Needless to say, you haven’t exactly seen a lot of people walking around in footwear stuff that’s fit to wear only by Tinkerbell and leprechauns now have you?

Now I’m stuck with millions of pairs of these little shoes that I’ve got to carry until next Christmas. Do you have any idea what the depreciation is on elf shoes? Yeah, I’ll just bet that you do.

Anyway, Justplainwill, you just got to help me get rid of these shoes.

S. Claus

Summit Meeting with 'The Powers that Be'

Dear Mr. Claus:

After getting your letter — and knowing the stakes — I had a summit meeting with a group of people known to handle this kind of thing: The Powers that Be, at least when it comes to what a lot of people say, do, and wear). Outlined below is a transcript of that meeting. You will note that their real names have been cleverly disguised for the purposes of security.

Justplainwill: I’m here on behalf of a client.

Danye: You came to the right place. We run this. What do you need?

Justplainwill: My client has problems. He’s got too many shoes on his hands

Sneak Dogg: How’s that our problem, My Wizzle?

Danye: We run this.

Justplainwill: Hey Snoop…er, I mean Sneak. Hi ya Danye. Yeah, I know that y’all run this. That’s why I was thinking that maybe you guys could make elf shoes THE NEXT BIG THING in fashion. You’ve already got folks wearing their pants at half mast, got them wearin’ ear rings, nose rings, and neck tattoos, gators on their feet and mohawk hair do’s. It’s obvious that people will do anything that you say….well except, of course, ‘stay in school’.

Ha-lo: Wait a second! Listen, that wearing of the pants at half mast stuff ain’t us, fella … ain’t our fault. Hell, if ever caught one of my own kids wearin’ his pants half off his butt, I’d beat his ass.

Sneak-Dogg: What do these shoes look like Justplainwizzle?

Justplainwill: I guess you’re talking to me…here they are

Sneak-Dogg: Yeah, My Wizzle. I’m talkin’ to you. What the ….? These are elf shoes. I’m not wearin’….

Danye: Wait Snoop…er, I mean Sneak, we can sell these elf shoes along with my new mixed tape.

Ha-lo: And I can plug them on Idol. Hell, I’ll make the contestants wear ‘em. Me and Randy will make the old American Idol winners wear ‘em too. Most of ‘em got nothing else to do. Can’t you see Reuben Studdard wearin’ elf shoes? Hell, Clay Aiken probably already has a pair.

Sneak-Dogg: I’m not wearin’ any freakin’ elf shoes. I’m just not. I have an image to maintain.

Danye: You don’t have to wear’em. Just say that you like ‘em. People will fall for anything we say. Hell nobody really knows that you’re a member of the Rotary Club and a deacon in the Baptist church either Snoop. I mean Sneak. Same thing baby. Same thing.

Sneak-Dogg: I see your point, Kanye…I mean Danye.

The Next Big Thing In Fashion?

Ha-Lo: Will, tell your client that he has a deal. But we want 50% of the gross and we have to have all of our names stamped on the shoe somewhere. Dammit we’ll show Ralph Lauren and those people at Timberland that we can sell shoes too.

Danye: It’s a deal. Like I say ‘We run this.’

Mr. Claus, as you can see, help is on the way. You can express your gratitude by bringing me those new golf clubs that I’ve been wanting for a couple of years now. (The Callaway X-22’s with the graphite shafts.)

Yours truly,

Justplainwill



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Write [email protected].

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Just Plain Will

Just Plain Will

J. P. Will is a noted counselor, spiritual adviser and advice giver to the stars as well as the star-crossed. A former goat-herder and Arctic explorer, Will is the proud holder of a GED as well as a Certificate of Attendance of the Naples, Florida School of Online Tooth Extraction and Snow Removal. He also studied psychotherapy in Vienna, which he proudly points out is located about 75 miles due north of Hahira, Georgia.

All of these accomplishments make him as qualified to give advice as... er, well... anybody else.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there are many who think that Justplainwill is an alter ego of frequent Dew contributor, Will Cantrell ( furthering the notion that Cantrell needs a new, different, and better personality.) On the other hand, Cantrell, in a recent meeting with our editors, vehemently denied and disavowed any knowledge of Justplainwill's existence. (“Just plain who? Never heard of the jerk... that is unless he says that he owes me money”, said Cantrell.) Despite Cantrell's protestations and what we are sure was feigned indignation, we at Offices of The Dew have our suspicions --- especially since no one has ever seen both Justplainwill and Cantrell at the same place at the same time.