- Important: All passwords were reset on 06/15/11. Old passwords will no longer work. Click here to retrieve your password.
- Subscribe to Our Free Dewsletter
We are non-commercial, all volunteer and supported by our readers. Please help sustain the Dew by making a donation.
Very Common Sense
Martha, Mashuganas and Motherf@#$&%s
Justplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or even, “Who does Herman Cain really think he’s foolin’ anyway?” Write Justplainwill.
I see your point. It is clear that a lot of people should be even less involved in their kid’s education — or life. It’s also obvious that some people shouldn’t have had kids in the first place. Abner, look at the idea of teachers grading parents as the government’s way of telling you that they’ve finally figured out who’s messing up the gene pool — and that the authorities are likely on their way. Think of it as an Early Warning System, similar to NORAD … except in this case, it’s NO WAY.
On the lookout for you,
Is Martha Stewart part of the solution or part of the problem? She’s pretty annoying, if you ask me. What do you think Justplainwill?
I know what you mean. Martha is infuriating. First, she’s on all channels … every single one. She’s like kudzu. She’s every dam where. A guy turns on the television and there she is looking right back at you, preaching about how to make doilies or quiche or anything else that’s totally useless. (In order to make quiche, you have to break eggs, mince 87 different kinds of vegetables. I mean you gotta bake that stuff. It takes time, you know!? Heck, most of us need that time to look for jobs on the Internet.)
At the next National Convention of Advice Givers, I plan to have a sit down with her and make it clear that if she insists on meddling in people’s lives then she sure as hell ought to tell them how to do useful stuff like maybe making their own electricity. The rest of us are in a recession, after all. At the very least, Martha should be teaching people how to steal cable from their neighbors or glom off their internet, something useful like that. You’d think the woman would want to be more helpful.
Do any companies ever really read the resumes that are sent to them over jobsites on the Internet? I have sent out thousands of resumes and not one has ever been selected for consideration. Not a single one. I have excellent qualifications for the jobs for which I am applying. Mr. Justplainwill, I have been laid off since the Bush Administration –the first one — and I really need to a paycheck.
First of all, who the hell are you calling ‘sir’? I may be getting old, but you don’t have to go around calling it to everybody’s attention. I just bet that you’re also one of those young smart asses, who goes around holding doors open for everyone who looks like they shouldn’t be making a lot of long range plans. Jerk.
Now, to answer your question: Yes and No.
In an effort to get to the heart of the matter, your intrepid advice columnist recently visited with the Director of Human Resources of one of the Southeast’s leading companies. Below is a partial transcript of that visit.
JPW: Harry, how do you select which resumes that you are going to consider for hiring?
Harry: It’s simple, Justplainwill. We scan each piece of paper that we get using artificial intelligence. The computer looks for certain key words on each page. If we find just two of ‘em, BINGO, we got a hit, and we select that resume.
JPW: So you’re looking for magic words, eh?
Harry: Yeah, I guess you could say that.
JPW: Doesn’t seem like you people get many hits. What are the magic words?
Harry: Will, I could get in a lot of trouble for this, but since it’s you, the words are:‘Beelzebub’, ‘Mashugana’, ‘foreplay’, ‘Alcatraz’,’ porn-star’ and ‘motherf(*&%r.’
JPW: What!? Motherf(*&%r? Mashugana? Come again!
Harry: It’s corporate policy, Will. Most of your better companies do it the exact same way.
JPW: But the chances of anyone having one of those words in their resume, let alone two is…
Harry: That’s the way it is, Will. Like I said: Corporate policy.
Harry: When we get a hit, we call ‘em and tell them to come out for an interview.
JPW: And then you start the formal ‘HR process’ to hire them, right?
Harry: You’re expecting wayyyyyyyy too much, Will. I mean, who’s got that kind of time?
We’re in a recession, you know. We have to reject people real fast. No, we tell the idiots, who actually come out here that we were just kidding. Well, we don’t use those words exactly. We tell them that there’s a hiring freeze on … ’announced just this morning’. Or we tell ‘em that they are over-qualified for the job. Like I said, most of your better companies do it the same way. There really no secrets in this business. None…
JPW: So the chances of …
Harry: … winning the Powerball lottery are better than getting hired or having an actual resume being selected. And that’s the way it works, Will. The country has a high rate of unemployment. Our company is proud that we’ve done our part to keep it that way. This is a great country, just the way it is, and we’re are going to do whatever we can to keep it that way.
Larry, by now you get the idea. I am not saying that your resume will never get selected, but I wouldn’t be making any plans to go to any employee picnics anytime soon, if I were you. Or if you do, plan on the festivities being held next to the Ganges River in India, where all the other jobs have gone.
Worthy of Comment
Also on the Dew
"Science does not need mysticism and mysticism does not need science, but [humans need] both." -- Fritjof Capra A conflict between "science" and "pseudoscience" is now playing out on the national stage. The conversation is long overdue. I speak of the recent flap surrounding two TED lectures on the nature of consciousness -- by Rupert Sheldrake and Graham Hancock -- that were initially removed from YouTube because TED's scientific curators deemed them "pseudoscience." The move generated strong reaction from TED's normally doting followers. Sheldrake's and Graham's offense: proposing the unorthodox view that consciousness is nonlocal. *****At issue is the relationship between "brain" and Read on →
A friend sent me a video compilation of the 100 best movie insults. I enjoyed watching all of them but they all fell flat when compared to a few I have had the pleasure to hear personally. There are several types of insults, both intended and unintended. An insult can be delivered in anger, disguised in humor, masked as love and caring, or just thrown out like a fast ball. The preferred delivery is as personal as your fingerprints, formed from observing insulting in action or from being a target of masterful insults. All of these delivery methods have advantages Read on →
There’s something about being a writer that leads people to confide in me. Think about that. Why tell a writer, a person who uses life itself as raw material, your deepest secrets. But tell me they do, and sometimes their secrets break my heart. Through my writing and books, I meet a lot of people. Some become friends. I’ve come to know women who confided in me just how much they hated their father. They had reason. So they say. Several told me how hard life was with an alcoholic father. Others talked about how abusive their dads were, and some fel Read on →
My Aunt Naomi from the piedmont of South Carolina was visiting my mother in Southern Georgia. I wanted to see her, too, so I invited my parents and Aunt Naomi over for a cookout at my house. Aunt Naomi had been the victim of a stroke some years earlier and had some problems from time to time with speech, but hadn’t aged much, except for long gray hair that resembled Emmylou Harris. The steaks grilled, corn on the cob boiled, field peas cooked just right in chicken broth, and the crescent rolls ready, my wife and I sat down with them f Read on →