Justplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or even where to catch the No. 37 MARTA bus? Write Justplainwill.

Dear Justplainwill:
I am a proponent of global warming – a “true believer” – you might say. Lately though, it seems that both global warming – and me – have lost some of our “mojo.” A lot of people are expressing doubts… saying that the whole thing might even be a hoax. They want absolute proof. Last summer, the whole thing even caused a serious rift between me and my wife, Tipsy. Can you advise me on what to do, Justplainwill?
Albert G.
Nashville, Tenn.

Dear Albert:

There’s just no convincing some people. Some folks wouldn’t buy into the idea of global warming unless the Arctic ice packs have melted enough so that Peachtree Road is beachfront property or  when polar bears show up on their door-step.

‘Course, when I think about it, there are really only two kinds of people, who can give you absolute proof on anything. They are (1) statisticians and (2) the coroner! Getting proof of global warming from the coroner is a little dicey since usually by the time that the coroner gets around to proving something, the subject is moot, dead – or both. And while they are slightly timelier than the coroner, statisticians are the exact, same group that was once hired as consultants by the dinosaurs. (Tyrannosaurus Rex’s idea was to obtain expert, verifiable, undeniable proof on whether or not that strange looking object in the sky –i.e. the asteroid – was something to worry about. Statisticians don’t usually do anything until AFTER the fact.)

Albert, methinks that the real problem is that you “global warming” true believers need to fine tune the message …and also get the proper spokesmen. If I were you, I’d hire all of the following people to sell the idea of global warming: Bill Clinton, Martha Stewart, Snoop Dogg, Ron Popeil (the Showtime Oven guy), and those women on the QVC Channel. Yeah, I know that, at first glance, it appears that these folks have very little in common. Others might even use the words “slick” or “charlatan” in describing them. (Some have even used the phrase… “questionable veracity.”) However, it has been proven time and time again – oftentimes to my utter frustration – that Americans (even Tipsy) will buy anything (or anything said) from these individuals, even when common sense says that we obviously shouldn’t.

Warming to the task,
Justplainwill


Dear Justplainwill:
I am asking this question on behalf of my “friend,” who works in the office down the hall. He has this big job and is always whining about having to balance this really big budget as well as having to win a war in some place called Afghanistan. He’s always complaining about people being “on my ass.” What can I tell him, Justplainwill
Barry
Washington, DC

Dear Barry:

Afghanistan is the place with the mountains, the mountainous operating budget and the mountainous roads, right?

OK, here’s what you should do:

First, have “your friend” bring everybody home from Afghanistan. Immediately. This will make a lot of people happy, especially the folks being brought home (as well as their creditors).

Your friend will still have the problem of Taliban, though. Not to worry, Barry. Your “friend” will no doubt remember all those Toyota’s that those people in Japan screwed up at the factory last year…you know, the ones with all of the braking problems… the same Toyotas, whose accelerators frequently got stuck to the floor. Yeah right. The very same ones. I suggest that what you do… er, rather, “your friend” do… is to have those “know it all’s” in Congress* drive those Toyotas with the faulty brakes to Afghanistan and abandon them on the side of Afghan mountain roads in plain view of the enemy. Since there is not one person in the entire known world –not even an Afghanistan – who can resist “that new car smell”, the Taliban will be attracted to the Toyotas with the bad brakes. The enemy will take the Toyotas for a test drives on those same mountainous roads with the sudden, hairpin turns and… well, you get the picture.

Voila! Problem solved, Barry. You… er, rather “your friend” can thank me later.

Your friend,
Justplainwill

*they can later hitch-hike home.


Dear Justplainwill:
Is there anything new in the field of religion? Yesterday, I was listening to one of the televangelists on Channel 57, who said that there were some exciting new discoveries in the Middle East. The bishop hinted at something about “stone tablets” but then said that he would gladly reveal these important new discoveries to anyone, who sent in three easy payments of $79.99. Quite frankly Justplainwill, I don’t have even have the cash for one payment. There’s a recession going on, you know. Can you help a brotha out?”
Kevin
Atlanta

Dear Kev:

First, why are all TV evangelist guys always “bishops”? Are there no “justplainpreachers”, who claim to know every damn thing? But I digress…

Secondly, as for “helping a brotha out”, ‘ol Justplainwill is broke, himself. (It’s not like this advice gig pays any real money.)

Kevin, I can tell you that much to my amazement, my research shows that there indeed have some new discoveries in the area of religion. Specifically, three new Commandments have been discovered in the Middle East. Yep, there’s actually been thirteen of ’em all along. (No wonder there are all those rumors about Hell being so full. Who knew!?)

Anyway, as best that scientists can piece the story together, Moses must’ve stubbed his toe, fell and broke a third stone tablet to “smithereens” on his way down Mt. Sinai. (There is also evidence that he also cussed a little as he fell to the ground – “Holy Moses!,” he most assuredly said). The actual discovery of the third tablet was made around 1967 but it has taken all of these years to piece the tablet back together with Super Glue – and to do the translation.

A formal announcement will be made this summer in a TV production to be hosted by Donald Trump and sponsored by McDonald’s. (The scuttlebutt is that McDonald’s will also be including the new Commandments in a new version of the Happy Meal called McTablets.)

While I can’t tell you for absolute sure about anything (please refer to my answer above to Albert G. as to why ) , my sources tell me that the 11th Commandment says “Thou Shall Not Social Network” (as in Facebook!) and the 12th has something to do with Reality TV. The 13th Commandment is still being translated, but archeologists are pretty sure that it has something to do with Paris Hilton. They are just not sure if it refers to the woman out in Hollywood or the hotel over in France. However, I would stay away from both of them if I were you….at least until Donald Trump tells us which one of ’em is safe. I hope this helps.

Your friend,
J. P. Will



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Write [email protected].

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Just Plain Will

Just Plain Will

J. P. Will is a noted counselor, spiritual adviser and advice giver to the stars as well as the star-crossed. A former goat-herder and Arctic explorer, Will is the proud holder of a GED as well as a Certificate of Attendance of the Naples, Florida School of Online Tooth Extraction and Snow Removal. He also studied psychotherapy in Vienna, which he proudly points out is located about 75 miles due north of Hahira, Georgia.

All of these accomplishments make him as qualified to give advice as... er, well... anybody else.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there are many who think that Justplainwill is an alter ego of frequent Dew contributor, Will Cantrell ( furthering the notion that Cantrell needs a new, different, and better personality.) On the other hand, Cantrell, in a recent meeting with our editors, vehemently denied and disavowed any knowledge of Justplainwill's existence. (“Just plain who? Never heard of the jerk... that is unless he says that he owes me money”, said Cantrell.) Despite Cantrell's protestations and what we are sure was feigned indignation, we at Offices of The Dew have our suspicions --- especially since no one has ever seen both Justplainwill and Cantrell at the same place at the same time.