In a quandry? Have problems? Have questions… about anything… anything at all? Stop banging your head against the wall? Write Justplainwill.

Dear Justplainwill:

My wife is pregnant with our first child. We are so excited. Do you have any suggestions for baby names?

Maury

Los Angeles, CA.

Dear Maury:

Congratulations on the big event. However, I suggest that you wait quite awhile before you officially name the new offspring. Government studies show that it takes five years for children to fully develop their personality. (Also, that’s what my Momma, “Justplainwilma” always said.) Specifically, it’s going to be a while before you, the kid’s mother and everybody else in America knows exactly what you’ve actually got on your hands… or if the child is even yours.

Maury, one of the worst things that parents can do is to name a newborn say, “Malcolm” (projecting someone with a calm personality) and then it turns out later that they own a kid, who should have been named “Tsunami” or perhaps even “Heinous”.

You should not give the ‘kid viewing public’ false expectations with an inappropriate kid name. As an example, I once lived next door to a toddler, who, whenever her parents had male visitors over,  displayed a decided proclivity for going into the one of the back bedrooms and emerging just minutes later, sans clothes—i.e. completely naked!  While this trait was deemed to be cute at the time, the child, named “Chastity”, grew up to be a morally challenged girl, who everybody now knows should have been named “Harlotta” if you get my drift.

Your friend,

J. P. Will

Dear Justplainwill:

Can money buy happiness? I’ve been told that it can’t. What do you think?

Donald T.

New York, N.Y.

Dear Donald:

What the hell kind of question is that!? This is a serious publication, Donald.  Don’t waste our time, dammit.

However, in the unlikely event that you are serious, the answer is HELL YES!

Donald (if, in fact, that is your real name), anybody who says that money can’t buy happiness just hasn’t been shopping in the right places. Furthermore, you can bet that the people who have promulgated this ugly rumor are filthy, sloppy rich and very probably, Republicans. They just don’t want you to know what they know.

Your friend,

Justplainwill

Dear Just Plain:

I am about to be married. I am worried though because as you know, one out of every two marriages ends in divorce. Do you have any advice for achieving marital harmony and longevity?

Kim Z.

Atlanta, Georgia

Dear Kim:

Yes. Take it from me, someone who has been successfully married eight different times, you should never  have an in-depth conversation with your spouse about anything. This includes money, sex, politics and especially religion. You should especially never have any conversations about careers or jobs. (i.e. how your future husband brings home the ‘bacon’) or even where he works. Trust me Kim,  it’s better that way. Besides, if you are ever visited by the police, the liberal left -wing news media or anyone otherwise known as “the authorities”, you will be able to pass the lie detector test and thus, be “in the clear”.

Good luck.

Your com padre,

Justplainwill

Dear Justplainwill:

Boy do I need some advice. I’ve got problems galore.

I recently moved here for a job that somehow I got conned into taking. Already, it seems that everybody is on my butt. First of all, a bunch of people are on my ass about re-distributing the wealth. These people  are calling me a ‘socialist’. Other people are on my ass about taxes. Some say that taxes should be higher, while others say that they should be lower. Still others tell me that my job is to manage something called ‘the deficit’. On top of it all, my wife, Michelin says that I should spend more time getting folks, especially kids, to lose weight. (Just between you and me, she says that we have …’a bunch of fat bastards’ in this country.)

Anyway, it’s all a bit much. If I only I had  known. Help.

Barry O.

Washington, D.C.

Dear Barry:

OK “Barry”, calm down and pay attention, especially since that’s about all that anybody in Washington, D.C. can afford to pay for these days anyway.

First, eliminate all Income Taxes. This will make a lot of people happy, especially since many of us are unemployed and have no income in the first place. Eliminating the Income Tax will also make you wildly popular and will get you acreage on Mt. Rushmore right next to George Washington. You can trust me on this.

You will need some new revenue source though in order to eliminate that deficit thingy. Lucky for you though Barry, your wife —“Michelin”–is right. Sixty seven percent  of all Americans are obese. Accordingly, a great way of ‘killing two birds with one stone,’ as it were,  would be to implement the not the FAIR TAX or the FLAT TAX, but rather, the FAT TAX.

As you know under the conventional notion of weight loss in this country, Americans often pay someone named “Jenny” or “Benny” or “Lenny” to actually watch them lose weight. You’ve seen the ads: LOSE 50 LBS BY NEW YEAR’S EVE. Barry, how dumb is that? To me, it’s like being water-boarded and actually paying Dick Cheney to direct the proceedings. The whole approach is wrongheaded at best and spectacularly misguided at worst. Thus, I recommend you do a government takeover of the weight control industry and penalize people for GAINING weight: “Shirley, you’ve gained 10 pounds this month. That will be a hundred dollar fine. Please pay at the window. We take Visa, MasterCard, and American Express. See you a next month’s weigh-in, Shirley.  You go girl, you patriotic American you.”

Since no  American, living or dead,  has ever to managed to permanently lose any weight, the deficit will be paid off in about six months. Everybody, including Michelin, will be satisfied with the great job that you’ve done.

Barry, by now you’re saying “But Justplainwill, isn’t a takeover of the weight control industry a form of socialism?” And you’re right. It is. However, with the implementation of the Fat Tax, everybody will become disinterested in the re-distribution of the wealth and become much more interested in a re-distribution of the weight! And with the prior elimination of the Income Tax, nobody will say a damn thing (well, except maybe for Jenny). But  by then you’ll be safely ensconced on Mount Rushmore.

Brilliant plan. Right Barry? You can thank me later, but just think…with this deft plan, you will have killed two birds with one stone. In fact, you will have killed a whole flock of birds. Of course, by killing all of those birds, those people over at PETA will now be all over your ass. Alas, you can’t have everything.

Patriotically yours,

Justplainwill



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Write [email protected].

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Just Plain Will

Just Plain Will

J. P. Will is a noted counselor, spiritual adviser and advice giver to the stars as well as the star-crossed. A former goat-herder and Arctic explorer, Will is the proud holder of a GED as well as a Certificate of Attendance of the Naples, Florida School of Online Tooth Extraction and Snow Removal. He also studied psychotherapy in Vienna, which he proudly points out is located about 75 miles due north of Hahira, Georgia.

All of these accomplishments make him as qualified to give advice as... er, well... anybody else.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there are many who think that Justplainwill is an alter ego of frequent Dew contributor, Will Cantrell ( furthering the notion that Cantrell needs a new, different, and better personality.) On the other hand, Cantrell, in a recent meeting with our editors, vehemently denied and disavowed any knowledge of Justplainwill's existence. (“Just plain who? Never heard of the jerk... that is unless he says that he owes me money”, said Cantrell.) Despite Cantrell's protestations and what we are sure was feigned indignation, we at Offices of The Dew have our suspicions --- especially since no one has ever seen both Justplainwill and Cantrell at the same place at the same time.