It turns out, according to the latest in science news, Neanderthals and “other archaic hominids” actually mated with human’s way back when. At first I thought they were referring to my neighbors, because if the phrase “other archaic hominids” describes anyone, it’s my neighbors, or possibly my sons, take your pick.

But as usual, I got things turned around; they are referring to the long extinct species of mankind that the “cretin-ists” and the Tea Party believe never existed. This was all new to me, as they skipped over this inter-species love thang in my high school social studies courses. But really, does this new information actually surprise anyone? Early man, ten thousand years ago, just like modern man, today, will breed with damn near anything given half a chance and a couple of beers. Think about it, if they can sell a plastic inflatable beach raft in the shape of a female for immoral purposes, I imagine a live, naked, hot blooded, NeanderGal running through the forest would make any Homo Sapien sit up, take notice and follow in hot pursuit.

But the real question is – what was the impact on the social norms of the day? Was inter-species love going to be tolerated? Was Neander-Love even legal? Would they be allowed to marry? Seriously, what Paleozoic church would bless the canoodlings of Ned the Neanderthal and Sally the Modern CaveBabe? Normally I, (being incredibly liberal, as well as incredibly lazy) wouldn’t spend a lot of time giving a crap about this kind of hoopla. I say, live and let live.  Show up for lovely couples nuptials, bring a moderately priced blender to spruce up an otherwise device-poor cave dwelling, and eat as much roast wooly mammoth as you can stuff into your early man, pre-agricultural digestive system, and you’ve done your part. Their marriage is their problem. But the “other archaic hominids” may have had a problem with inter-species love. I knew several “archaic hominids” back in high school and they can get stupid real fast. They don’t have a lick of sense and I suspect the Tea Party is being run by a few of them.

Now, the more conservative of the early humans (who, according to my TV, haven’t changed much over the millenniums) may have thought differently and felt the need to protest. Like today, they picketed, and marched, and carried protest signs (though the protest signs didn’t say anything back then because writing wasn’t going to be developed for another ten thousand years.) My guess is they felt that Neander-Love was a sick perversion which would destroy their marriages and upset the tribes “Traditional Values” of rock throwing and spearing things. For instance, if Neanderthals were allowed to marry us humans, would early man be able to drag their spouses around by their hair anymore? Would they pray to the same rock formation as we do? Would it bring cave prices down having a mixed Cave-Couple next door?  And what about the many public health issues associated with interspecies love? (Humans and Neanderthals were notoriously filthy back then and soap on a rope was a long way off.) I suspect they felt that marriage should be defined as one “Early Human Mom” and one “Early Human Dad” in order to properly raise the “Early Human Cave Brats.” Having a non-verbal Neanderthal lurching around the premises might be a bad influence on Cave-Kids who had an average lifespan of about 6 years or one incident with a saber tooth kitty.

What must Mom and Dad Flintstone have thought when they caught their teenage daughter sucking face with Neanderthal? What if she drags one home to meet the grand folks? (Well the grand folks were probably dead, so no problem there.) Will he grunt at her inappropriately? Will her folks accept him for who he is, or insist he learn how to make simple tools? And then there is all that disgusting hair, lots and lots of disgusting hair … I know, I know, most of you just realized, “Holy Crap! My daughter is dating a Neanderthal!”

So the question is, was Neanderthal love just one of the early god’s practical jokes or a decadent lifestyle choice?

Are you born lusting after Neanderthals, or do you wake up one morning and choose to go that way? Who hasn’t let his or her eye wander to something a little too primitive after having had one too many at the Annual Cave Party. Who can blame Nancy, the Neanderthal Cave Slut, for making eyes, under her sexy, protruding, brow ridge and hitting on some newly evolved Homo Sapien? Remember, they didn’t call him Homo Erectus for nothing. Early man must have been a rather enticing package to a young, impressionable Neander-Gal. A Hunter-Gatherer with a large head, the ability to reason, all wrapped up in the latest cheetah skin – that’s a pretty attractive package. He was likely the owner of not one, but two, Clovis points and had that super-sexy ability to form syllables. Hell, that’s hard enough to find that in a man today. All very heady stuff for a girl who has never taken a ride in a 440 Cutlass or been to Bergdorf Goodman’s … I can see the attraction.

So the question remains, what was early man’s position on diversity? Is there any anything in the fossil record to see just how early man dealt with this social upheaval? Can we learn from this early social calamity and apply it to our lives today? Keep in mind it was only a few short years ago when a bunch of dumb-ass Neanderthals wouldn’t let black people and white people marry. It took a while but we muddled through that and it seems to have turned out okay. But we still have a problem with Biff and Bob getting hitched or serving our nation. Did early man tell the tribe’s gay dudes, “OK, ya’ll can hunt with us, but try and pretend you like the ladies?” Why is it OK to tell someone you enlisted, froze your ass off in a foxhole, endured hell, saved a comrade and shot someone in a foreign land, but you can’t tell them you dated another guy? Seems a tad silly doesn’t it?

I hope the Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens decided just to live and let live. Remember, we ain’t gonna be here long and then someone else will be digging up our fossilized remains and delving into our past 50,000 years from now. And when that time comes, I sure hope they won’t be sayin’ “Wow, these primitive morons really spent a lot of time worrying about some really insignificant shit!”

Remember a lot of us still face this same problem today. My wife is definitely a modern woman, I’m pretty much a Neanderthal, and I’d like to stay married.

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Trevor Stone Irvin

Trevor Stone Irvin

Illustrator and Designer living in the Candler Park area...At one time I worked at the Atlanta Constitution and then for CNN at the startup...it all seemed too much like real work so I went freelance...which my father defined as "being unemployed for a real long time".