I can’t believe all you whining slackers out there sitting on your lumpy sofas complaining about not having a job. It’s the third millennium, people, wake up and get to work. Because I’m going to tell you exactly how you –yes even you– can get a 6 figure job with great benefits. And that’s just the beginning.
We’re talking top dog, king of the hill, big cheese, leader of the pack kinds of jobs. You won’t be doing grunt work like you have in the past. You’ll be a bona fide top executive with scads of plebes to kick around. Your house. Your rules. You can spend your days playing online games with FREE HIGH SPEED INTERNET while those people you used to work for do all the heavy lifting.
But wait, there’s more. Are you sitting at home alone? Friendless? Never invited anywhere? Not after you follow my plan.
People with piles of money will invite you for breakfast, lunch, cocktails and dinner almost every day. You’ll be in demand at parties, no matter how big a social loser or mental midget you are. You’ll take free weekend trips and vacations. You’ll be on TV. You’ll get so many gifts you won’t know what to do with them. You’ll even be able to wangle a book deal – and not even have to write a word of it! How cool is that?
This is not a joke or a scam. You won’t find it on Craig’s List. This, my friends, is the real deal. And better yet, no real ability or training is required!
You can go from gutter to top of the world in no time at all. Nothing matters except your desire to have the job. More and more people are following this plan and finding their way to real long-term riches, great retirement plans, and health benefits for life. They aren’t worrying about social security or medicare – and you won’t have to either! Once you’re elected Governor or Senator or Congressperson all that will come easy.
All you need is a few million dollars (nothing’s free, buddy) that you made doing, well, whatever. You could have been robbing banks or ruining the environment. Stealing from government programs or destroying the economy. Or running a major corporation. So long as you have the Benjamins it doesn’t matter. We can even spin you a better past.
Don’t fret about spending millions for a shot at a job that doesn’t pay near what you’re spending; the side bets you make while you’re sitting in the big chair will carry the next two generations of your family, easy.
You could choose to do this the old-fangled way: Prove yourself through years of public service and work your way up through the RepubliCrat party. Maybe someday get your shot. But my way is guaranteed faster.
What? It’s not my fault that you don’t have the millions you’ll need. But there’s still time for you. Remember, nobody will care where you got the money except the people you took it from. (Earned money is okay, too, but who does that anymore?)
One poster child for this method is carpetbagger and Daddy Warbucks impersonator Rick Scott, who seems to have been asleep at the wheel when the company he ran was accused of the country’s biggest Medicare scandal ever and got hit with a $1.7 billion fine (“Mistakes were made”). This qualifies him to apply to lead the state of Florida, where he plans to put people back to work by firing state workers, – his plan so far. At the current salary of @$133k/a, Rick will have to govern Florida for nearly 376 years to earn back the $50 million he’s reportedly spent on the primary alone. That’s dedication.
Other very rich people are successfully using their own millions to get elective government jobs. Meg Whitman (CA) is spending $100 million; Linda McMahon, (CT), $50 million; Michael Bloomberg (NY Mayor) spent $108 million and Rick Snyder (MI), $6 million. Who’s buying your elections? It could be you!
Step 1 is to get really rich. Of course, there’s no guarantee you’ll get the job. Just ask Jeff Greene (FL) $6 million; or Al Checchi (CA) $39 million. But once you’ve got your hands on that kind of money to start with, your job hunting troubles are over.
And maybe the losers just didn’t spend enough. After all, we deserve the best government money can buy. It’s a tradition.