We are non-commercial, all volunteer and supported by our readers. Please help sustain the Dew by making a donation.
Thou Shalt Not Kill? No Big Deal
Announcer: Fox News. We Rant. You Submit. Now Live From Our News Desk In New York, Far Away From Any Real Americans, Is Bambi Lear, With Breaking News
Bambi: Good afternoon. Fox News has learned of an effort by conservative Christians and Republican Party leaders to amend The Ten Commandments. Let’s go now to our reporter in Washington, Hal Gullibal.
Hal: Thank you Bambi. Yes, today we can now confirm that Republican Party leaders and their conservative Christian supporters are working to amend the Ten Commandments by eliminating the sixth commandment, Thou Shalt Not Kill.
Bambi: Republicans have never been happy with that one. Isn’t that right, Hal?
Hal: That is correct, especially since former President George W. Bush began the war on Iraq in 2003. The tens, or even hundreds of thousands of Iraqis killed in the war, that is, if you can believe the numbers liberal groups put out, have made many Republicans and conservative Christians uncomfortable with the perception that they’re ignoring one of God’s sacred laws. So they have decided to make it go away. Just a few minutes ago I spoke with conservative Christian leader Pat Robertson about the back-room efforts to make sure that God and the Republicans remain on the same page. In an exclusive, here is what Pat Robertson told Fox News.
Pat Robertson: As you know, Hal, we, like the people at your network, have never been that rattled over violence and murder unless it involves young attractive white women. So deleting Thou Shalt Not Kill from The Ten Commandments is a logical step. Besides, if God had thought it was so important, he would have ranked it higher than sixth. We believe the Ten Commandments to be a living document, or stone tablets, or whatever, so amending, repealing or just plain tweaking some of the commandments makes perfect sense to us.
Hal: Mr. Robertson, is it true that noble Americans like the minister in Georgia influenced the thinking of conservative Christians and Republican lawmakers?
Pat Robertson: You mean the one who supports bringing guns to church? Absolutely. Church leaders who can get beyond the musty old compassionate way of thinking make up the future of our ministry. Look, at a lot of churches there are signs at the edge of the parking lot that say “You are now entering the mission field. ” In some areas, that means to pack some heat on the way to the Cracker Barrel after services. And also we have to keep in mind that a lot of folks in the so-called mission field are rather undesirable types. Sometimes they come to church services looking for spiritual guidance. At least that’s what they say. But who can trust them? A really safe congregation has at least a couple of deacons ready to fire if some undesirable walks up the aisle during the Hymn of Decision. The guy could be sincere or he may plan to assault the minister and steal his Rolex.
Hal: So will it be just The Nine Commandments from now on?
Pat Robertson: No, Hal. The Ten Commandments is a great brand. We’re just going to make some disgusting act the new top ten sin. My friend James Dobson has suggested “Thou Shall Not Have Oral Sex.” You know, we just can’t resist digging at Bill Clinton.
Hal: We’re back live now, Bambi. Robertson had to break away to stop a tornado somewhere. But he did tell me that even though most of the parties, including Right-wing ministers, Sarah Palin and Alabama Senator Sessions are in agreement, there is still much work to be done. The Most Divine One has to sign off on the changes.
Bambi: You mean Dick Cheney.
Hal: That’s right, Bambi. In fact today Cheney is reportedly meeting with Moses at an undisclosed location near Mt. Sinai.
Worthy of Comment
Also on the Dew
Many people say that English is the hardest language to understand because so many words can mean different things and we often need a sentence to explain one word in another language. For example, in the US it is quite common for people to publicly “root for the team.” In other English-speaking countries if you are caught doing that you will be arrested. In Australia to call someone “an old bastard” is a term of endearment. But in some other English-speaking countries it could be the first few words in an argument or the last words before a fight. In the US Read on →
The outcome of Christie's recent auction of General Robert E. Lee's precious navel lint left even the most jaded “Lost Cause” memorabilia mavens gobsmacked and whistling Dixie. Not to mention afflicting many frustrated, heart-broken losing bidders with a temporary paralysis that baffled emergency physicians compared to the old-timey Southern Belle "vapors." This dream-crushing auction loss brutalized their very star and barred souls. The awestruck winner of General Lee’s coveted navel detritus, said that he did not consider himself to be the “owner” of the singular holy Rebel artifact; only its humble and devoted caretaker until the treasure is passed on to the next wors Read on →
Richard Rose, President of Atlanta's NAACP, advocates that we sandblast the bas-relief of Confederates Jefferson Davis, Stonewall Jackson, and Robert E. Lee from the face of Stone Mountain. Months before the havoc wreaked on September 11, 2001, many of us cringed as the Taliban government of Afghanistan destroyed multiple Buddhas. How can destroying icons of another group increase respect and appreciation for your own icons? In March 2001, the government sent envoy Rahmatullah Hashimi to Washington to contextualize the destruction: "The Islamic government made its decision in a rage after a foreign delegation offered money to preserve the ancient works while a Read on →
No one in his right damn mind pays “you’ve gotta be kiddin’ me” prices to see a movie -- even if it is an advance showing of a major motion picture. I’m willing today because this little excursion is part of my scheme to throw some serious ‘shade’ –- and some serious ‘cool’ --on a despicably hot summer day. I’ve come to the mall multiplex to match wits with Tom Cruise, to see if I can keep up with the on-screen goings-on in the latest installment of Mission Impossible. Just within the mall, but outside the cinema, the conditioned air smells of popcorn and pastry Read on →