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Thursday, October 30, 2014
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    Thou Shalt Not Kill? No Big Deal

    by | Jul 12, 2010

    Announcer: Fox News. We Rant. You Submit. Now Live From Our News Desk In New York, Far Away From Any Real Americans, Is Bambi Lear, With Breaking News

    Bambi: Good afternoon. Fox News has learned of an effort by conservative Christians and Republican Party leaders to amend The Ten Commandments. Let’s go now to our reporter in Washington, Hal Gullibal.

    Hal: Thank you Bambi. Yes, today we can now confirm that Republican Party leaders and their conservative Christian supporters are working to amend the Ten Commandments by eliminating the sixth commandment, Thou Shalt Not Kill.

    Bambi: Republicans have never been happy with that one. Isn’t that right, Hal?

    Hal: That is correct, especially since former President George W. Bush began the war on Iraq in 2003. The tens, or even hundreds of thousands of Iraqis killed in the war, that is, if you can believe the numbers liberal groups put out, have made many Republicans and conservative Christians uncomfortable with the perception that they’re ignoring one of God’s sacred laws. So they have decided to make it go away. Just a few minutes ago I spoke with conservative Christian leader Pat Robertson about the back-room efforts to make sure that God and the Republicans remain on the same page. In an exclusive, here is what Pat Robertson told Fox News.

    Pat Robertson: As you know, Hal, we, like the people at your network, have never been that rattled over violence and murder unless it involves young attractive white women. So deleting Thou Shalt Not Kill from The Ten Commandments is a logical step. Besides, if God had thought it was so important, he would have ranked it higher than sixth. We believe the Ten Commandments to be a living document, or stone tablets, or whatever, so amending, repealing or just plain tweaking some of the commandments makes perfect sense to us.

    Hal: Mr. Robertson, is it true that noble Americans like the minister in Georgia influenced the thinking of conservative Christians and  Republican lawmakers?

    Pat Robertson: You mean the one who supports bringing guns to church? Absolutely. Church leaders who can get beyond the musty old compassionate way of thinking make up the future of our ministry. Look, at a lot of churches there are signs at the edge of the parking lot that say “You are now entering the mission field. ” In some areas, that means to pack some heat on the way to the Cracker Barrel after services. And also we have to keep in mind that a lot of folks in the so-called mission field are rather undesirable types. Sometimes they come to church services looking for spiritual guidance. At least that’s what they say. But who can trust them? A really safe congregation has at least a couple of deacons ready to fire if some undesirable walks up the aisle during the Hymn of Decision. The guy could be sincere or he may plan to assault the minister and steal his Rolex.

    Hal: So will it be just The Nine Commandments from now on?

    Pat Robertson: No, Hal. The Ten Commandments is a great brand. We’re just going to make some disgusting act the new top ten sin. My friend James Dobson has suggested “Thou Shall Not Have Oral Sex.” You know, we just can’t resist digging at Bill Clinton.

    Hal: We’re back live now, Bambi. Robertson had to break away to stop a tornado somewhere. But he did tell me that even though most of the parties, including  Right-wing ministers, Sarah Palin and Alabama Senator Sessions are in agreement, there is still much work to be done. The Most Divine One has to sign off on the changes.

    Bambi: You mean Dick Cheney.

    Hal: That’s right, Bambi. In fact today Cheney is reportedly meeting with Moses at an undisclosed location near Mt. Sinai.

    ###
    Jeff Cochran

    Jeff Cochran

    Jeff Cochran worked in advertising at The Atlanta Journal-Constitution for 27 years before accepting a buy-out in the Summer of 2008. In the seventies/early eighties, he handled advertising for Peaches Records and Tapes' Southeastern and Midwestern stores. He also wrote record reviews for The Great Speckled Bird, a ground-breaking underground newspaper based in Atlanta.

     

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    • http://leslieevanscreative.com Lee Leslie

      I suppose, guns in church is just another faith-based test similar to snake handling. God will protect those of faith and the rest, they can just bleed out.

    • George

      Now just stop it. All the Christian Right is trying to do is bring peace and sliced white bread to the rest of world.

    • Lee Hatling

      My favorite bumper stickers:
      1)Jesus, protect me from your followers
      2)I am pretty sure when Jesus said”Love your enemies” He meant don’t kill them

    • http://patsydickey.com Patsy Dickey

      Jeff, obviously you have a developed sense of humor. It is also cruel and does not reflect the nature or commitment of a devout Christian. You’re obviously gifted. Please use your gift to help create a better world. This piece is unfair and reflects only the nature of someone who is uniformed, and basically unhappy within himself.

      • Jeff Cochran

        Hi Patsy,

        Thanks for reading. And thank you for the compliments mixed in with the criticism.

        Usually I avoid replying like this, but some of your observations compel me to respond.

        Yes, some people will believe the piece is cruel or unfair. That’s fine. Yet what’s really unfair is how those in the conservative Christian political movement have sullied the faith. The mixing of church and politics has been poisonous for Christianity.

        It’s also fine for you to say I’m uninformed, although you are one of the few to ever make that accusation.

        But please don’t judge me as unhappy. I am not. I am happy for each day that I wake up. Everyday is a blessing. But I am informed enough to be unhappy with things that happen in our country.

        Back to the issue of fairness, you may want to check out some of the other 80 articles I’ve written for Like The Dew. You can find them by going to “Writers” at the top of the home page. (We are alphabetized by first name.) Many of them may not interest you, but there are a handful of stories that reflect well on Christianity. Check them out. Let me know what you think.

        Thanks again and keep reading Like The Dew.

        Jeff

    • http://www.brotherhug.com Brotherhug Balow

      Thanks for sharing this Jeff.

      One bumper sticker that used to upset me in our church parking lot every week was the airborne motto “Kill them all, let God sort them out.”

      What part of “Thou Shalt Not Kill” don’t they understand? Conservative Christians are rewriting history, science and their bible. Rewriting the 10 commandments isn’t much of a stretch.

    • MaryCan

      I just moved back to the Atlanta area from three years spent in deep south Georgia — I was stunned at hearing some of the comments made in churches down there about this administration, at least one thing from the pulpit by the pastor. It sounds to me as if quite a few “Christians” no longer think the Sixth Commandment applies when you don’t like the guy in the White House, especially if that guy happens to be black. And while I know that the main thing tea parties have in common is that they have very little in common — folks, where I lived, the tea partiers I saw toting signs apparently would, I think, support assassination.

      Anne Lamotte says: “You can safely assume that you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.”

    • Francois Lipton

      The Leftist Internationale MADE MOVIES about assassinating George W. Bush (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/09/01/AR2006090100858.html) and of course that was just noble artistic political dissent. Now, when the Angry Left hears a RUMOR that someone might have made an unpleasant comment at a political function — the left screams “Racist! Victim! Call the DoJ!” (unless, of course, the aggressor is a Black Panther and the victim is white). I believe Andrew Brietbart offered $100,000 if anyone could find proof about Tea Party threats to legislators. I think that money is safely earning interest in his account.

    • Alex Kearns

      “If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be – a Christian” and “There is one notable thing about our Christianity: bad, bloody, merciless, money-grabbing, and predatory. The invention of hell measured by our Christianity of today, bad as it is, hypocritical as it is, empty and hollow as it is, neither the deity nor his son is a Christian, nor qualified for that moderately high place.” Mark Twain, the great American voice of reason.

      “I bring you the stately matron named Christendom, returning bedraggled, besmirched, and dishonored, from pirate raids in Kiaochow, Manchuria, South Africa, and the Philipines, with her soul full of meanness, her pocket full of boodle, and her mouth full of pious hypocrisies. Give her soap and towel, but hide the looking glass.”
      -- “A Salutation from the 19th to the 20th Century,” December 31, 1900

      “This is a Christian country. Why, so is hell. Inasmuch as “Strait is the way and narrow is the gate, and few-few-are they that enter in thereat” has had the natural effect of making hell the only really prominent Christian community in any of the worlds; but we don’t brag of this and certainly it is not proper to brag and boast that America is a Christian country when we all know that certainly five-sixths of our population could not enter in at the narrow gate.”
      -- Mark Twain in Eruption

      “You can never find a Christian who has acquired this valuable knowledge, this saving knowledge, by any process but the everlasting and all-sufficient “people say.” In all my seventy-two years and a half I have never come across such another ass as this human race is.”
      -- Mark Twain’s Autobiography

      ‘Nuff said. The venerable and beloved American icon has spoken and I find his words to be truer today that ever before. Well done, Jeff.

      • Francois Lipton

        It would be great if liberal progressives like yourself would take Twain’s case to the Democrat controlled school boards who have banned him under the righteous banner of secular political correctness.

        • Billy Howard

          Liberals are indeed progressive, thank you for pointing that out. As for school boards, let’s look at the regressive tactics by the Texas department of education to basically re-write history books. Now there’s some conservative regression if ever there was. And for the record, most liberals I know are for more open access to books in school libraries while most of the efforts to ban books in school libraries come from conservative factions.

    • Noel Holston

      Yes, well-done, Jeff. On a similar topic, I keep asking fundamentalist Christians I went to school with way back when how they can condone the Bush administration’s use of torture when their professed Lord and Savior was Himself a victim of torture. I get no replies.

    • Cliff Green

      Precisely, Jeff. Right on!

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