- Important: All passwords were reset on 06/15/11. Old passwords will no longer work. Click here to retrieve your password.
- Subscribe to Our Free Dewsletter
We are non-commercial, all volunteer and supported by our readers. Please help sustain the Dew by making a donation.
Thou Shalt Not Kill? No Big Deal
Announcer: Fox News. We Rant. You Submit. Now Live From Our News Desk In New York, Far Away From Any Real Americans, Is Bambi Lear, With Breaking News
Bambi: Good afternoon. Fox News has learned of an effort by conservative Christians and Republican Party leaders to amend The Ten Commandments. Let’s go now to our reporter in Washington, Hal Gullibal.
Hal: Thank you Bambi. Yes, today we can now confirm that Republican Party leaders and their conservative Christian supporters are working to amend the Ten Commandments by eliminating the sixth commandment, Thou Shalt Not Kill.
Bambi: Republicans have never been happy with that one. Isn’t that right, Hal?
Hal: That is correct, especially since former President George W. Bush began the war on Iraq in 2003. The tens, or even hundreds of thousands of Iraqis killed in the war, that is, if you can believe the numbers liberal groups put out, have made many Republicans and conservative Christians uncomfortable with the perception that they’re ignoring one of God’s sacred laws. So they have decided to make it go away. Just a few minutes ago I spoke with conservative Christian leader Pat Robertson about the back-room efforts to make sure that God and the Republicans remain on the same page. In an exclusive, here is what Pat Robertson told Fox News.
Pat Robertson: As you know, Hal, we, like the people at your network, have never been that rattled over violence and murder unless it involves young attractive white women. So deleting Thou Shalt Not Kill from The Ten Commandments is a logical step. Besides, if God had thought it was so important, he would have ranked it higher than sixth. We believe the Ten Commandments to be a living document, or stone tablets, or whatever, so amending, repealing or just plain tweaking some of the commandments makes perfect sense to us.
Hal: Mr. Robertson, is it true that noble Americans like the minister in Georgia influenced the thinking of conservative Christians and Republican lawmakers?
Pat Robertson: You mean the one who supports bringing guns to church? Absolutely. Church leaders who can get beyond the musty old compassionate way of thinking make up the future of our ministry. Look, at a lot of churches there are signs at the edge of the parking lot that say “You are now entering the mission field. ” In some areas, that means to pack some heat on the way to the Cracker Barrel after services. And also we have to keep in mind that a lot of folks in the so-called mission field are rather undesirable types. Sometimes they come to church services looking for spiritual guidance. At least that’s what they say. But who can trust them? A really safe congregation has at least a couple of deacons ready to fire if some undesirable walks up the aisle during the Hymn of Decision. The guy could be sincere or he may plan to assault the minister and steal his Rolex.
Hal: So will it be just The Nine Commandments from now on?
Pat Robertson: No, Hal. The Ten Commandments is a great brand. We’re just going to make some disgusting act the new top ten sin. My friend James Dobson has suggested “Thou Shall Not Have Oral Sex.” You know, we just can’t resist digging at Bill Clinton.
Hal: We’re back live now, Bambi. Robertson had to break away to stop a tornado somewhere. But he did tell me that even though most of the parties, including Right-wing ministers, Sarah Palin and Alabama Senator Sessions are in agreement, there is still much work to be done. The Most Divine One has to sign off on the changes.
Bambi: You mean Dick Cheney.
Hal: That’s right, Bambi. In fact today Cheney is reportedly meeting with Moses at an undisclosed location near Mt. Sinai.
Worthy of Comment
Also on the Dew
I live in Alabama, and though I wasn’t born here and didn’t even move here until I was in my late thirties, I have come to be All-Things-Alabamian. For those who don’t know, we attach miracle-like attributes to many of our foodstuffs here. Black-eyed peas, for instance, are thought to bring good luck throughout the South, especially when served on New Year’s Day. Well, who needs good luck then? Good luck is most appreciated when it matters most, and when it matters most here is now — the days following Thanksgiving. You see, we are very different from the rest of you. For instan Read on →
I looked over and the strange fact that Pamela Kheto was driving seemed perfectly normal, even though my sole contact with her in the last ten years was a brief meeting in a parking lot where she tried to recruit me for some kind of power-grab at her church. When I looked to the front I saw we were on rough terrain. I felt the bottom scraping on large boulders, finally hitting something huge that threatened to completely tie us up, the edge of a cliff actually, but our momentum carried us up and over, teetering on the edge a Read on →
Nothing is as it seems in the land of the Cons. We've got to remember that. Sometimes it seems that, regardless of the issue, con men have to deceive, even if it means cutting off their own noses or, if they happen to be politicians, the noses of the constituents they expect to vote for them. If that makes no sense, it is still a fact in the twenty states where Governors, no doubt on the advice of their Representatives in Congress, are rejecting the extra dollars that would extend health care to people not earning enough to afford even subsidized Read on →
Pope Francis' recent encyclical is sending shock waves around the world. In addition to exhortations to the faithful, Evangelii Gaudium ("The Joy of the Gospel") packs a scathing critique of "unbridled" capitalism and consumerism. Here's the flavor of the Pope's message: Just as the commandment 'Thou shalt not kill' sets a clear limit in order to safeguard the value of human life, today we also have to say 'thou shalt not' to an economy of exclusion and inequality. Such an economy kills. Today everything comes under the laws of competition and survival of the fittest, where the powerful feed upon the powerless. A new Read on →