It was during breakfast in Seattle that I had to choose between killing dust mites and looking good naked.
You see, the booths at the hotel café had individual TV monitors. The programming consisted of the major networks, the two cable news channels, endless NCIS reruns, and a veritable goldmine of infomercials.
As I took the first sip of my double quad skinny mocha with extra whipped cream, I was given the chance to learn “Seductive Hair Secrets.” I quickly found out that I would get more out of the technique if I were female and had hair. Onward.
“Burn Fat and Lose Weight” sounded like too much trouble, but I had to admit the logic was inescapable.
The next one hit home: “Kill Dust Mites.” I’ve read enough horror stories to know that every home is overrun with dust mites. And I know that I should be petrified that even one of the hideous creatures might violate my body, even while I was burning fat and losing weight. However, the solution to my dust mite occupation was what looked like a feather duster attached to a wet/dry vacuum cleaner. Apparently it worked, because the young woman following the dust mite killer equipment operator was beside herself, even when Mr. Killer stuck the duster thingy into the bathtub.
The next one promised me a “Perfect Bikini Body.” Yeah, right.
Next was “Look Good Naked.” A riveting and well-worded title. I felt it was my civic duty to investigate and see if there was any actual nudity being shown. We all know the answer to that, now don’t we?
I was offered a “Free Shop Mop” with a 24 inch crevice tool and a large capacity cup. I passed because I couldn’t think of any use I would have for a 24 inch crevice tool. Plus they were a tad vague about what the large cup was for.
The last of this informational overload was “Dance Away The Pounds.” It, too, was a little thin on details: there was no mention of how much dancing and how many pounds.
I got to thinking there would a huge savings in production and talent costs if some these epics were combined. Just think of the possibilities: Kill Dust Mites While You Dance Away The Pounds Naked For A Perfect Bikini Body and your own Shop Mop with a 24 inch crevice tool.”
It has blockbuster written all over it.