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Sunday, December 21, 2014
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    Islands in the stream

    by | Apr 7, 2010

    Proceedings of the House Sub-Committee on Relocation and Allocation of Personnel Resources Subject to Allocation and Relocation Guidelines.

    CHAIRMAN: The House Committee on Relocation and Allocation of Personnel Resources Subject to Allocation and Relocation Guidelines will come to order. Mr. Gingko you may proceed.

    GINGKO: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Mr. Wingle, you are the Director of Human Asset Relocation for the State Department.

    WINGLE: That is correct.

    GINGKO: And you are in charge of human asset relocation, correct?

    WINGLE: Well … sure.

    GINGKO: And what does your job involve?

    WINGLE: Making sure our many embassies, consulates and economic missions and task forces are properly staffed.

    GINGKO: With people?

    WINGLE: Yes, people.

    GINGKO: No animals?

    WINGLE: No.

    GINGKO: Fish?

    WINGLE: Not to my knowledge.

    GINGKO: You are planning to relocate 250 people to the island of Patmos, correct?

    WINGLE: Yes, we are establishing an agricultural trade center.

    GINGKO: What kind of agriculture, Mr. Wingle?

    WINGLE: We’re going to help the Greek government expand the production of olives and fruit.

    GINGKO: I wasn’t aware that olives were an agricultural product. I always thought they came in the little bottles you buy at Publix.

    WINGLE: You have to grow the olives before they can be put into the bottles.

    GINGKO: What variety of olive has the little red thingies in them?

    WINGLE: I’m not quite sure how to answer that.

    GINGKO: Don’t worry, you can’t be expected to know everything. That’s what Congress is for.

    WINGLE: That’s a relief.

    GINGKO: Now, this island of Patmos, it belongs to Greece, correct?

    WINGLE: Yes.

    GINGKO: Why is that?

    WINGLE: Why is what?

    GINGKO: Why does Patmos belong to Greece instead of, say, South Carolina?

    WINGLE: South Carolina isn’t a sovereign nation.

    GINGKO: Really? I didn’t know that.

    WINGLE: Life is full of surprises.

    GINGKO: You noticed that too?

    WINGLE: There are unexpected surprises at every turn.

    GINGKO: I understand Patmos is where John the Apostle wrote the Book of Revelations .

    WINGLE: That’s what they say.

    GINGKO: Who are they?

    WINGLE: A lot of people.

    GINGKO: Have you met John yet?

    WINGLE: John … ?

    GINGKO: John the Apostle.

    WINGLE: No … uh … you know, Mr. Gingko, the Book of Revelations was written over nineteen hundred years …. forget it. No, I have not met him.

    GINGKO: Please tell him I said hello.

    WINGLE: Absolutely.

    GINGKO: Living on Patmos probably will be scary.

    WINGLE: Scary?

    GINGKO: Yeah. Patmos isn’t very big and if you get too many people on it the whole island will sink.

    WINGLE: Sink?

    GINGKO: I owned a nine-foot motor yacht once and those things can go right to the bottom.

    WINGLE: I …..

    GINGKO: I don’t care how carefully you anchor a boat, or a raft or a small island, they WILL sink. And that’s a fact.

    WINGLE: Mr. Gingko …

    GINGKO: Yes sir, those little patches of land will tip right on over and disappear into the brine.

    WINGLE: Mr. Gingko …

    GINGKO: Right on down to the bottom of the deep blue sea. Splash, splash.

    WINGLE: Excuse me …

    GINGKO: Huh?

    WINGLE: Islands are the tops of mountains sticking up out of the water.

    GINGKO: Nah … you’re making that up, right? You’re saying if you put a couple of hundred additional people and animals on Patmos, the island won’t get overloaded and sink, and every man, woman, child, poodle and goldfish won’t get eaten by sea monsters?

    WINGLE: That’s correct. Everybody lives.

    GINGKO: You wouldn’t kid me would you?

    WINGLE: Wouldn’t dream of it.

    GINGKO: Islands don’t float. Wow. Sure changes my thinking. Well thank the Lord! I was so worried!

    WINGLE: I’m sure you’ll sleep better.

    GINGKO: This has been a fascinating discussion.

    WINGLE: You have no idea.

    GINGKO: That’s all I have, Mr. Chairman. But Mr. Wingle I’d like a moment of your time after the hearings. I have some more olive questions.

    ###
    Mark Johnson

    Mark Johnson

    Mark Johnson is a professional mentalist and mind reader who presents his unique and unforgettable program to conventions, college and universities, sales meetings, private parties, business and civic clubs and more. He has also appeared at the Punchline Comedy Club in Atlanta. He is a member of the Psychic Entertainers Association. You can learn more at www.MarkJohnsonSpeaks.com. He is the author of three books: "Living The Dream," the story of the first ten years of FedEx; "Superman, Hairspray, and the Greatest Goat On Earth," a collection of mostly true stories;, and "Yes Ma'am, You're Right: The Essential Rules For Living With A Woman."  Mark has traveled around the world twice but has never been to Burlington, Vermont. He does not eat beets or chicken livers, and he has never read "Gone With The Wind." He is the only person he knows who was once a card-carrying member of the International Brotherhood of Ventriloquists. He is a fifth generation Atlantan,  the father of three, and the grandfather of five. All offspring are demonstrably perfect. He lives in Smyrna with his wife Rebecca (aka The Goddess) and two dogs: Ferguson, an arrogant Scottish terrier; and, George, a lovable Briard who has the IQ of horseradish.

     

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    • C J Smith

      Mark you must be running for some political position.

      • http://www.MarkJohnsonSpeaker.com Mark Johnson

        When I first saw the Congressman-who-shall-remain-nameless asking an admiral if he were concerned about Guam tipping over I thought The Onion had taken over YouTube. But, as I have often pointed out, you can’t make this stuff up.

    • Sheree D.

      No, you can’t make this stuff up. Georgia’s citizens deserve better than this, much better.

    • sally wood

      Loved it. Loved it. But you left out an important part--what kind of olive tree do those ones with the little red thingies come from?

    • AMB

      Olivus pimientos

      Olivus flattius produces olive loaf.

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